Breezy is off the Wheezy

I recently figured out how to add a link to my sidebar here.. and so I added the site Go Fug Yourself. Very funny. Here is an excerpt.



"Yeah? So I ate some cookies. A whole lot of cookies. Wanna make something of it, bitch? Want to come over here so I can REARRANGE YOUR FACE? Huh? I didn't THINK SO.

Yeah, this IS my bitchface, BITCHES. I'm making a comeback, and it's BITCHY. I'm like the fat Shannen Doherty. I will MESS YOU UP. MESS YOU UP!

You think I look like a what? A pumpkin? Some kind of squash, is that what you said? I will squash YOU. Yeah, I'm talking to you, skinny girl with the pigtails. Aren't you the kid that took those pictures of me eating a Double Double in my car? It was PROTEIN STYLE, you know. I don't know why you people DIDN'T MENTION THAT.

For your information, I wore this dress to the Renaissance Faire last year and got A LOT of compliments on it, so why don't you just SHUT YOUR FAT FACES! Yeah, I said FAT. Like my new show on Showtime, Fat Actress, please watch it."

Oh thank you Fug girls.

I always hate to see Christmas end. I can't believe how fast it all went this year!! I didn't absorb it nearly well enough. I haven't yet had my fix of those corny Christmas songs or cold weather (won't it EVER come back?) or the vast buffet of comfort foods. Well... maybe that last one is a good thing. Brett and I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday. Then we cleaned the apartment thoroughly. It was 60 degrees outside yesterday and we had all of our windows open - it felt like spring cleaning. It was depressing. I'm weird - I LOVE cloudy/rainy days and cold weather, when cold weather is due. After we got the apartment spick and span we hauled up our collective loot. And now it's a warzone again.

I have to say that my favorite present was from my aunt. She and her husband sent everyone (at least my mom and grandma and I) calendars of her 2-year-old son, Henry, who just happens to be the most adorable kid ever. My Henry calendar is the BEST and I've been showing it off to anyone who'll look at it.

Last night we went to this new club in downtown OP and to see Brett and Neil's friend Steven, and his fiancee Kayt who are in town from LA for the holidays. So THAT was fun, although cut a tad short because I, the boring old person that I am, was the only one who had to get up early and go to work. Poo. I wanted more tequila shots.

Perhaps tonight. Let's see how the rest of my day goes...

"I am not a big fan of the Christmas song, 'The Little Drummer Boy.' Oh, sure, it's a beautiful song, for maybe the first thirty-five minutes. But eventually it gets on your nerves, those voices shrieking 'Rum-pa-pa-pum!' For openers, drums do not go "Rum-pa-pa-pum.' Drums go 'Rat-a-tat-tat.' Also, I have issues with the line that goes: 'The ox and the lamb kept time.' Really? How? Did they clack their hooves together, castanet-style? Did they dance? Are we supposed to believe that two barnyard animals with legume-level IQs spontaneously started doing the macarena? I'll tell you this: If I were taking care of a newborn baby, and somebody came around whacking on a drum, that person would find himself at the emergency room having his drumsticks surgically removed from his rum-pa-pa-pum, if you know what I mean."

-Dave Barry

Last night was filled with Christmas presents, homemade sushi, and barfing. It was lovely.

First off, yesterday evening while I was still lounging at work, I noticed a dull but persistent pain in my back - around the kidney region. Didn't think anything of it. Then I'm en route to the apartment and I got stopped at a light, and these two thug-looking guys run out in the street around the cars and I was sure they were going to carjack someone. Who runs out into the middle of the street and continues jogging down the center dotted line?? It was freaky.

Brett and I picked last night to have our Christmas because he has to work tonight and tomorrow, and then Friday I'm going to Wichita. I was so relieved because keeping his presents a secret has proved quite taxing. I love giving presents away. :) Particularly presents I KNOW the recipient will just love. He got me this GREAT Fossil watch! I suck at showing how much I like presents usually so he thought that I didn't really like it and I wasn't excited. But it's so cool. I'm so hip now. :) Is it sad that my boyfriend has better taste in clothes and accessories than I do? But that's beside the point... Its got a thick, brown leather strap with a gorgeous face - and I can't really describe it beyond that, but suffice it to say that I love it! :) He also got me Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and a Belgian waffle maker. And the movie Garden State. The funny thing about Garden State is Brett was going on about how much HE liked that movie. So I have been reiterating to my parents over and over, "Get Brett Garden State!" And I get it from him. :) It was so funny. What are the frickin' odds?!

I got Brett: 1) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, special edition DVD, 2) a domed popcorn popper - it's old school and very awesome, 3) Simpsons Operation, 4) Battleship, and a box with a masher, baster and tongs.

We thought we'd get in a game of Operation before we crashed. So Brett was out on the patio and I thought I'd practice a bit. My face was right by the board and I was concentrating real hard - and it buzzed - and I screamed - like a little girl. Like, REALLY screamed. It was sooooooooooo hilarious. :) Brett was out on the deck cracking up.

Before bed, Brett decided to make a snack of sushi rice and he tried his hand at making a roll. When he was visiting Neil in Japan, they had this Onigiri (oh-knee-GEAR-ee) that had tuna (regular canned tuna) mixed with mayonnaise in the center. That's what Brett made, except in roll form not Onigiri form. He used the nori (seaweed) that my mom had gotten for him last Christmas. And we had been warned by Neil that nori can go bad. But here's what Brett was thinking, and I would've totally agreed: it was in an air-tight seal and hadn't been opened at all so it was fine. It was really really NOT fine.

Two or three hours later I woke up feeling soooo miserable. The pain in my back had increased to excruciating and I felt completely ill. So I puked. Then I got back in bed and my back hurt so bad I didn't think I'd get back to sleep. I would have SWORN that I had a kidney infection. But I did eventually fall back asleep, only to be awoken by Brett's race for the bathroom. Damn that nori! It was completely foul. Word of advice: do NOT - EVER - eat nori that's been sitting around for a long time.

Okay. I'm preparing myself here. INFORMING myself. Because I am in dire need of an oil change and the only place close to work is, of course, Jiffy Lube.

Let's have a recap of the last experience with Jiffy Lube:
I went in for an oil change, and I specifically said that ALL I wanted was an oil change. Twenty seconds after they get my car in there, this douchebag comes in and tells me that, at 2 years old and 25,000 miles, I need a "motor flush" to clear out all this sludgy buildup I have mysteriously acquired. The ignorant female that I am, I was suspicious but said yeah okay whatever. And subsequently got charged $50. Upon talking to individuals more informed than I who had never even HEARD of a motor flush before, I got completely irate. So my dad went and yelled at them and got me my money back.

So! I find myself in the precarious situation of having no choice but to visit Jiffy Lube again, even though I vowed never again to give them my business. So I'm going to walk in, and say very slowly because clearly they're assholes, "Listen - closely - All - I - want - is - my - oil - changed - and - my - antifreeze - changed. If - you - come - back - in - saying - I - need - something - else - and - try - to - take - advantage, - I - will - make - you - stop - and - I - will - go - someplace - else. GOT IT??"

Jiffy Lube assholes...

I don't take too kindly to being ripped off.

I will update later.


(Later)


Well this Jiffy Lube experience came and went without confrontation. Good. Because I'm more talk than action. I tend to shy away from confrontations. Although I thought an issue might've been a'brewin' because one of the mechanics pulled me out of the waiting room so show me my air filters and trying to get me to buy a $20 air filter from them. And I just go, "No, I can get one cheaper than THAT." And he kind of looked at me derisively and said, "Do you KNOW how much they cost?" So I just said, "Well I know they're not $20!" So anyway, my oil is changed and all is well.

BOY!! Jessica is having a boy!! :) I'm so excited for her! And now I can better focus on what I'll buy her. Now I can look at gender-specific things. And OUTFITS!! Oh I go too crazy buying baby outfits. She's gonna kill me. :)

I love this Christmas parody. I can remember hearing this at Grandy's when I was with my dad. I was probably 8. We were finished but we stayed to hear the song and just cracked up.

The 12 Daze of Christmas - Fay McKay

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks.. and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 dry Rob Roys..hehehe..4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

(starting to get wasted now!) On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 Cuba Libres, 5 dry Rob Roys, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a tree... and a bird with the fruit on the limb.

Oooonnnn, on the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, 5 dry Rob Roys, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a tree, and a tree, and a tree in the meadow...

On the eighth day of Christm, on the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave me, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7, 7, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, ahhhh (skips 5), 4 Old Fitgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cut.. and a, and a surrey with the fringe on top.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave meeeeee, 9 my, my, 9 my - mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the - 9 mar, margaritas, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, ahhh, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, eeee uhhh, doo-doo doo de-doo doo *whistles.*

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave me, 10 rum ma-haaaye, 9 ria 9 ris, 9, 9 roto rooters, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba iah, oh chucka chucka chucka chucka chucka *whistles.*

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to meeeee, 11, 11, 11 (makes puking noises) Bloody Marys, 10 rum mahara, 9 ria (the rest is gibberish).

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave meee, 12 dry martoonis, 11 of that green stuff, 10 myrahama, 9 rigor mortis, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 somma, 6 shoo, ohh uhhhh, 4, 4 Old Fitz, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 city parks, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee.

Ah it's great! I know I don't do it justice so go download it like a good boy/girl.

We caught five mice. FIVE mice. I think they're done. I think that was the little family. Either that or they've mutated into super-intelligent mice. But I hear the neighbor across the way found a mouse. I hate to say it but good. Hopefully they'll leave us alone now!