Thursday, June 22, 2006

How I Amuse Myself

You all know about my job. It's boring. It's slow. There are rarely any assignments for me to do and when there are, it's either the dreaded Impossible Research, or which case I could probably write an inappropriate limerick all over the margins and no one would even notice because they practically never make my changes.

So I find ways to amuse myself. Usually this includes the aid of crossword puzzles and the Internet, but on a rare occasion my job will unexpectedly throw something funny at me. I am amused easily - to the point of ridiculous some might say. I mean, I can be on the phone with Brett and he'll just be talking and I think something comes out a slightly funny way and, if I am in just the right mood, I will start cracking up to where it goes into silent laughter mode, and then Brett is all, "WHY are you laughing?? I didn't even do anything!" and will get honestly annoyed.

But sometimes, sometimes, I giggle for good reason. Here are just a couple of examples from earlier today.

Exhibit A:
From everybody's favorite Engrish site:

Exhibit B:
My assignment today is to make up a list of utility companies so we can send them our brochure in hopes of attaining a few more clients. I was looking through the results on an online yellow pages site and this is what I saw:

A Quik Dump

Kansas City, MO 64151

Exhibit C:
Moving on after my brief laughing fit, I called this purported oil company.

Someone answers and I start my spiel, "Hi, my name is Brianne, I'm with PTK Communications, I'm making a..." but then I'm interrupted by, "I'm Stevie." A little kid answered the phone. Kids are so dang cute. It just caught me off guard so I go, "Ohhh-kay, I think I got a wrong number," and the little kid says, I'm assuming talking to a parent, "It's a wrong number." hehe

Exhibit D:
If the daily comics fail to satisfy my cartoon addiction, I turn to the Garfield vault.

*blogger was being so good, so cooperative...I think that first picture did it in, though.*

Exhibit E:
Dave Barry always has the best stuff on his blog. fyi: the link to his blog is just to the right of this entry.

The following text courtesy of Dave Barry:


...make it this one."

He also gave me this laugh:

Exhibit F:

Flag-Stealing Baboons

Well I don't know about you, but I am all chuckled-out!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Silly Peacocks

Across the pond, the peacocks are getting a wee bit amorous...

Peacock falls for a petrol pump

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

No More Weekend

*My apologies. This is yesterday's post, however, Blogger was being a horrible site yesterday and wouldn't let me post this in its entirety. So here it is now!*

Not that I was thrilled to come to work this morning either. It was just a weekend of mishaps.

First of all, on Friday, there were only three of us in the office: me, Brent and Phil. So Brent told me that he and Phil really didn't have any work to do and if I wanted, I should call Deanna to see if we could cut out at around 1 p.m. Looking back, I should've just told him to do it himself. But anyway, I called her and she said she'd call me back. Well she called Rob.... and then I got a phone call from Rob who wanted to talk to all three of us on speakerphone basically to berate us. "There are always things to do!" Ummm well no really, there are things to do but they all require either direction or approval from Rob. To me, he said that there is unlimited work as far as putting together new business lists (so if we wanted to break into the banking industry, I'm supposed to make a list of all the local banks with the name of their marketing director). Ok - first of all, new business is Rob's job. I am totally fine with making the lists but I need some industries first. We're trying to break into health care but while some hospitals may have marketing directors, smaller ones don't and I don't want to be the idiot who calls with no idea of what information they're looking for. He just expects us to do everything on our own but he's so damn picky about everything... and he gives us all zero direction. Isn't he supposed to be the leader? So that sucked...

Friday evening Brett and I met up with his mom and her friend, and her friend's daughter, at Garozzo's before we went to Jazz in the Woods. It's this free show that's held in Corporate Woods every year, and it's pretty fantabulous. But we decided to have a stuffed artichoke and wine first.


After Garozzo's, we went to the Woods. Jazz in the Woods is a weekend-long event. Friday's headliner was Average White Band. They were pretty decent! Afterwards, we were packing the chairs up and getting ready to leave, Joni and I switched chairs and in the process, one of them fell on my big toe. I held back my cry of pain because I didn't think it was any big deal. But as Brett and I were walking away, I was thinking, [utter favorite expletive phrase in 3...2...1...] "Sweet fancy Moses on buttered toast, this still hurts!" So I bent down to check it and nearly passed out with nausea at what I saw. Apparently the chair had cracked the nail - there was this huge chunk almost entirely broken off. Let me make an illustration: *Stupid Blog people! There is an ongoing problem concerning picture posting. So it's their fault that you can't see my lovely drawing.*


That didn’t stop me from going to the pool with Brett and lounging all day on Saturday. Although when we got back to the apartment, Brett made a startling discovery – Gilbert was missing. Before we went to the pool, Brett got him out and put him in our Papasan Chair. He thought I had put him back in the cage, I thought he had put him back in the cage, so we went on our merry way to the pool. Gilbert took advantage of his brief freedom. It wasn’t difficult to find him, thank goodness. He had ventured into Neil’s room and took refuge under the bed. It took us awhile to lure him out. But we finally did with the magic of cantaloupe. Bun has always been partial to fruit.

Neil left this weekend. He’s gone for the summer. He has an internship in western Kansas somewhere. Then when he comes back in August, he’s moving to his new house. So we are alone. And it’s weird. Just that there’s not another person in the house. It’s just us. We are officially cohabitating!

Sunday, Jill and her boyfriend came over to chill at the pool with us. We got some beer and a jug of pre-made margaritas. As it turned out, I was the only one in the mood for margaritas. Once we were poolside, the drinks got cracked open. Those margaritas were dangerously refreshing. I had just a few too many… I ended up passing out on one of the chairs for about an hour… then I made my way back up the apartment and fell asleep again in our room…on the floor…laying on body pillow….still in my swimsuit. When I woke up (again – probably about an hour later) I was in shorts and a T-shirt. Brett said he put them on me. They were all down by the pool again grilling the burgers and hot dogs. So I trekked back down there.

When they had left, and it was just Brett and me, he settled in to play some Zelda and I washed the chlorine out of my hair. And that’s when a wave of homesickness came over me. I brushed it off and went back to the living room where Brett was playing this CD… Sondre Lerche. On this particular album, he just does covers of songs like Night and Day, You Knocked Me Off of My Feet, and others. It’s worth checking out. Anyway, for one reason or another it reminded me of being at home in Wichita with my mom on a Saturday night and her listening to Prairie Home Companion (the movie, she says, is excellent) and the kind of music they play on that program… even though it’s not really like the music they play on that program. Follow? Anyway and then the homesickness came back… so that wasn’t fun. So then I went to bed around 9:30… I was still just exhausted.

Ohhhh I had a rough night ahead of me.

Fast forward to midnight. I woke up feeling all kinds of awful. I ended up paying homage to the porcelain god twice… Ugh. No fun. And of course, then – despite whether or not you brush your teeth immediately after – you still wake up with the most horrible aftertaste.


I got up at 5:50 a.m. Bunny had to be dropped off at the vet by 7 a.m. Poor thing was scared. He knew something unpleasant was going to happen. He was shaking the whole way. We were the first ones there this morning. One of the ladies there asked where they were supposed to put a rabbit. The other one answered, “Surgery, back with the cats.” Poor Gilbert had to be housed with four cats! Oh poor thing….

Before I left though, I was stopped by one of my downstairs neighbors. He was asking me if I wanted to give his older son (Alex, who is probably 6) piano lessons. I was a little bit caught off guard with the proposal. Sure, I could give him lessons. But I have no idea how to go about starting off a pure beginner. I know they don’t have a piano, and I’m not sure if they even have a keyboard. And that is essential – because two thirds of learning piano is practicing. And I’m sorry, but I don’t really want him traipsing up to my apartment every day to practice for half an hour. They would also need to buy him all the piano books. I’d lend him mine but: 1) they’re in Wichita, and 2) he really needs his own because mine are covered in scribbles from my own teachers. So I need to look into these factors…. Hell, what would I charge? These are nice people and since they might need to buy a keyboard and all this music, I don’t want to overcharge. It’s a conundrum…

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I was taking some trash out to the dumpster yesterday evening and stopped to talk to Keila, who lives below us. She was outside supervising her two little boys. Anyway, we were talking for a while, and then Halle, another neighbor, joined us, and then Keila's husband Matt came out as well. Halle made a comment about the Jeep that was parked in the best spot right by the building and she says, "I hope she gets bird shit all over that Jeep of hers." Apparently, the woman who lives across the hall from us parks her Jeep there and then leaves town. Now that's just not right. That is downright selfish. A while back, there was this Escalade that would always park in the same spot that wasn't an actual spot. And she would park it at this huge angle and it made it difficult for people to get around. It really pissed me off because it's like - lady, just because you have an Escalade does not make you special. Why can't you walk 200 feet? It is no big deal. Everyone else has to do it now and again.

So I put my frustrations in an anonymous letter and put it under one of her windshield wipers. Ha HA! I was a bit more articulate in the letter. This was a while ago so forgive my poor memory of it, but I know I laid down the point that it was NOT a parking spot. I also said something along the lines of, "If there was an emergency requiring an ambulance, their response time would lag and they would have trouble getting through because of you," or something like that.

I thought that would be a good topic to bring up last night when Halle made her comment. I was just going to say, "Do you guys remember that Escalade that would always park askew right over there?" but all I got out was the Escalade (well actually I said Navigator because I had a massive brain fart and couldn't remember which SUV it was for the life of me) and Keila goes, "That was my mom!"

Hmm... oh....

Then she went on to say, "Someone put a note on her windshield and I was so happy!" She turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder and goes, "I knew it was you but I didn't want to say that to her."

Aaah! How did she know it was me?! I tried to be all sneaky about it!

Keila continues, "I'm so proud of you for doing that!! We're not mad, no my mom is crazy. She thinks she's entitled. She even parks in handicapped spots and she's not handicapped. Matt and I told her all the time not to park there but she wouldn't listen to us! We laughed our butts off over that letter."

Whew! At least they weren't mad. Quite surprisingly, they were...well, gracious. Odd. But I thought that was hilarious! And hey - I haven't seen anyone park there since.

That gave me a good laugh. And a good blush. I was a bit embarrassed for getting caught.

So our weirdo rabbit Gilbert has an appointment to get his little bunny balls chopped off. He is nuts, I swear [no pun intended]. He will jump back and forth in his cage, he'll stomp on the bottom of his cage using his hind legs [I think we should change his name to Thumper; it's so applicable it wouldn't even be cliche]. I thought he was finally litterbox trained, too but apparently he isn't. He used to just pull his litterbox away from his corner where he does all his bunny business, but now he knows how to dump the entire thing over - which makes a huge mess. Squirting him with a water bottle does NOT work. Oh, and he also chews on the plastic things on his litterbox that kind of hook it to the cage. They no longer are functional. So yeah, the balls need to go.

Monday, June 12 is the big day. It'll be $95 but I think it'll be worth it. Brett and I are going to split the cost. Then we'll finally have a mellow bun to play with.

I need to get pictures of him on here... he really is a cute bun. I'll work on that.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Jazzoo Fug

Jazzoo. It's Kansas City's rockin'-est party. It's a benefit for the zoo and the majority of the attendees are stupidly wealthy. Every fancy restaurant in the area (and some outside of it) have booths lined up along the walkways. There is a smattering of beverage booths stocked with only the best alcohol, numerous mixers and soda. Live bands are scattered throughout the park. And it's all free. However, tickets will set you back anywhere from $150 apiece to $250.

Brett and I got to go.

It was pretty amazing. A guy in my office serves on the board and he had a couple of extra tickets. Extra tickets with a VIP parking pass. So naturally, I pounced on the opportunity. Somewhere between slipping a dress on and touching up the makeup, I had a shocking lapse of judgement. The shoes. I decided to wear my stilettos. Yes. That's right. My black stiletto pumps. They are damn cute and nothing goes better with that dress but - holy geez - my feet were killing me before we even got in. Right outside the entrance by the way, there was a real, live steel drum band playing! It was awesome. I mean I knew there'd be live music but they were so good, Brett and I thought it was coming out of speakers! But yeah, the shoes - I spent approximately half of the evening carrying the shoes because I thought I was going to die. Dirty feet don't bother me. You can always wash dirty feet. It's the blisters that span the balls of your feet that bother me. Later on in the evening, Brett got me a stiff drink to "ease the pain." It didn't work but the drink was good. Grey Goose on the rocks with a twist of lime.

Anyway, walking through the main building to get to the zoo now... we got handed a trio of flashy necklace things. At first I thought they were cheesy but they were pretty sweet when it got dark. One of them was a flashing martini glass from Houlihan's, another was a flashing star from the Kansas City Star, and another was a round flashing beer necklace. So yeah, then we got to the food. Pachamama's was there! That is the restaurant that Brett and I went to for our one-year dating anniversary. It is amazing. The restaurant whose fare I really wanted to sample was The Peppercorn Duck, though. That's the restaurant that sits atop the Hyatt Regency Hotel. I've heard nothing but wonderful things about it. We never did find it... darnit... And I'm even more disappointed now because I checked out their menu online this morning and the entrees are priced between $32 and $50! So there's no way Brett and I could just go eat there on our own sometime.

Unfortunately, the animals were blocked off, but whilst we were resting on a bench, a peacock wandered by.

One of the bands was The Licks, a Rolling Stones cover band. And man, they were good. The lead singer sounded uncannily like the one and only Mick Jagger.

So Jazzoo is a good time! I doubt we'll ever get to go again!

Saturday night, after chillin' poolside all day, we took in a movie. Neil, the roomie, wanted to rent a couple movies so Brett and I tagged along. You know those racks with the 2 for $20 movies? I bought a couple. I couldn't help myself. I got "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" (which is actually pretty good) and "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", which Brett still has not seen. A coworker lent me "Just Friends" and I also watched that over the weekend and it was surprisingly funny. It wasn't stupid like I suspected it might be. I highly suggest you all check it out.

The movies we rented? "Shopgirl" (I've been wanting to see that since it was in theatres) and "Kung Fu Hustle". That was Brett's pick. Since I so stubbornly refused to see it in theatres, I gave in this time. It. Was. Awesome. Again - HIGHLY recommend you all see this movie. Kind of cartoonish, but most entertaining and I would watch it again if I had the time and it didn't have to go back so soon.

That is why I buy movies rather than rent them. Amazon, people. Amazon.

And I'm not sure if people like these or not so I won't actually post it, but I'll link it. It's another laugh-out-loud entry from Go Fug Yourself. I think I just might have a new favorite expletive phrase...

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