Monday, October 24, 2005
Halloween Costumes by Dave Barry
On a personal note, I had a GREAT couples costume idea that I'm not sure I'll be able to employ this year due to a stubborn, reluctant significant other with no sense of fun (just kidding you know I love you!) and the fact that I'm not entirely sure they condone dressing up on Halloween at my new place of business. We shall see... *devious grin* No really though, my brilliant idea is: Peg and Al Bundy. HA! Wouldn't that be great? I was even supplied a small toilet keychain that makes realistic flushing noises!
"Halloween is coming, and you parents know what that means. It means it's time for you to make fun and creative costumes for your kids! Otherwise you are not as good as the other parents.
Even as you read these words, competing parents. . .the kind of people whose homes have candles burning in front of statues of Martha Stewart. . .are hunched over their workbenches, creating costumes that require more time and effort than you spent planning your wedding. These are the parents you see on the 'home and family' segments of morning TV shows just before Halloween:
HOST: Our next parent is Mrs. Shirley Hamperwinkle, who has dressed her daughter, Tiffany, as an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower! What an amazing costume! However did you do it, Shirley?
PARENT: Well, Sue, first I forged 12,000 miniature steel girders in my home blast furnace, using ore I dug out of my garden. I assembled these girders using 2.5 million tiny handmade rivets with the help of my husband, Ed, before he ran off. Then I attached the tower to Tiffany using 147 surgical screws.
HOST: But how does she take the costume off?
PARENT (becoming agitated): Take it off? Take it OFF?? WHY WOULD SHE TAKE IT OFF???
This is the kind of parent you're up against. So you can't just throw some half-baked costume together at the last minute, the way we did in my childhood, when 80 to 90 percent of us kids stumbled around blindly on Halloween night wearing bed sheets with poorly aligned eye holes. We were supposed to look like ghosts, although this never made a ton of sense to me. I mean, ghosts are the spirits of dead people, right? Why would dead people wear bed sheets? Did they all die in an explosion at a hotel laundry?
I preferred to trick-or-treat as a vampire, which I felt was much scarier. The problem was the plastic vampire teeth. I have a powerful gag reflex, so when people opened their doors, instead of being terrified by the awesome bone-chilling specter of the Prince of Darkness, they'd see this short, caped person, retching. Their only terror was that I might throw up on their shoes.
But getting back to my point: As a modern parent, you need to get to work on your children's costumes RIGHT NOW. Don't worry if you're not the 'artsy' type!
Because I have a really original and creative costume idea for you. Start by gathering together the following arts-and-crafts materials:
1. Car keys.
OK! Now drive to the mall and buy your child a creative and original costume that was originally created in a factory in Taiwan. Y ou'll have lots of choices!
For little boys, you may choose from the following: Superman, Batman, Spiderman, the X-Men, Licensed Character Man, Buzz Lightyear, Darth Maul, Rex Kilometer, Commander Strage, Buck Gouge, Sergeant Groin, The Violence Squadron, the Legion of Compound Fractures, the Masters of Really Hard Face Punching and Al Gore.
For little girls you may choose among the following: Ballerina Barbie, Princess Barbie, Cheerleader Barbie, Presidential Intern Barbie, Bride Barbie, Severe Hangover Barbie, Minority Group Barbie, Joint Chiefs of Staff Barbie, Chest-Cavity-Dwelling Alien Fetus Barbie, The Barbie Formerly Known As Barbie and Al Gore.
Now your kids are all set for some real 'trick-or-treat' fun! But before you let them leave the house, the U.S. Department of Consumer Nervousness reminds you to follow these important HALLOWEEN SAFETY RULES:
- Be aware that many municipalities have established special dates for trick-or-treating. For safety reasons, these dates are never on Halloween. Some of them are closer to Easter.
- Make sure each child is carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing a head-mounted smoke detector.
- Trick-or-treat candy may have been tampered with, so you should take it away from your children, check it carefully, then eat it.
- Never allow your children to tirck-or-treat at night, or in dangerous areas such as outdoors.
Remember: The important thing is to have fun in a safe and federal manner. Even you adults can join in the Halloween fun! Why not think of a clever and topical costume? For example, if you're a fat hairy man, you can walk around naked; if the police stop you, simply explain that you're trick-or-treating as the guy who won the million dollars on 'Survivor.' I'm sure the police will applaud your cleverness!
Then they'll take you to a place where you can make your one phone call. To Defense Attorney Barbie."
Friday, October 07, 2005
That would be an interesting solution. They're going for a celebration of life and that's awesome. You can go around, looking down at your ring fondly and tell people, "Yep, that's my aunt Silvia," or whomever. I'd kind of like to do that! Of course when I have to worry about it I'll be much older with lots more money and could be able to afford it. I just really liked that idea. It's strange, yes, but intriguing (and pretty) nonetheless.
You should check it out at www.lifegem.com.
Other than that what's going on in the life of Bri? Not much. Although I did receive my check from closing my savings account so I am so close to buying my keyboard!! I don't know if I want to do it tomorrow or if I want to wait until I get my paycheck next week so I can buy a bench and a stand as well. I'm so excited. I've waited for this for a long time now.
It was so chilly this morning. When I left the apartment I had on a thick turtleneck sweater and a sweatshirt over that. Plus leg warmers under my jeans. I left my coats and scarves and hats down in Wichita.
I'll leave you with three quotes from Dave Barry because he is the awesome-est:
"The reason it's called 'Grape Nuts' is that it contains 'dextrose,' which is also sometimes called 'grape sugar,' and also because 'Grape Nuts' is catchier, in terms of marketing, than 'A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,' which is what it tastes like."
"People who want to share their religious view with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
I especially think this one is great after my many years in the service industry.
"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."
Amen Mr. Barry.