Friday, October 06, 2006

J. Harvey once again, folks. He does not disappoint.

America's Next Top Model: Princess Dethroned

Previously - Monique was a princess of the throne and Megan's plane crash story did nothing for her.

Night. The girls are high as kites and using a long mattress to slide down the stairs. Jaeda misses her hair and to be truthful - she looks like she just got shock treatment. They really messed her up. In the next scene, she has it slicked down and looks like Eddie Murphy in Harlem Nights. Everyone still hates Monique and who can blame them - they're only human and have all six of their senses. TyraMail! Something about being on a line. Girls leave in the van, and Melrose says she's being all attentive because nothing here is pointless. You sure? Ms. Jay is waiting for them on a tightrope, and being his usual goofy queen self. The girls are here to learn balance. Ms. Jay's got some lacquer on his hair or something - it looks positively flammable.

Caridee asks the wire guys if they've ever seen a blonde do this? And she says she can barely walk a straight line sober. How would you know, Drunky? In her one-on-one, she's got that wet dog hair thing going on which makes me think of the way bad home perms smell. One of the wire trainers demands that Eugena smile. She is supposed to be showing more emotion, but for real? You're lucky I can even UNCLENCH my teeth if I'm walking on a friggin' tightrope! Melrose is one-on-oneing in her pink beret again. I hope someone French beats her ass for making their country look worse

Exercise over. More TyraMail about frocks, but the real show is Melrose and Monique. There is more drama over the phone. Monique busts in on Melrose, and then Melrose repeatedly shuts the door, whacking Monique out of the doorway. How this plate glass door stays in one piece I have no idea. I'm shocked none of these crazed bitches hasn't hurled a hairbrush through it yet. Monique tells her Mom, the queen of the throne, that she's about to hit Melrose. When Monique goes into the phone booth, she shoulder checks Melrose. Melrose laughs it off; because once you've dropped the "issa" you're ready for anything. Monique is crazy and evil, she's "crevil". She decides it would be funny to rub her panties all over Melrose's bed. With Melrose in it. Ewww. She's a goddamn whack-a-mole. She giggles and gibbers and hopefully she doesn't have the clap or Melrose's comforter is going to have to head down to the VD clinic. The girls are all kinda nervous now. Anchal expresses concern that Monique might throw lemonade on her while she sleeps. What a random liquid to be afraid of. Honey, Monique is much more likely to throw her own urine on you. After Monique finishes with the panty-wiping, she curls her hair and hisses to herself. They need to give her some scary music, and an eye patch.

The next day is more blah, blah, blah Monique and Melrose. One of these girls needs to get axed, because I'm getting bored. The girls head off to the hills where they encounter Ms. Jay in this huge creampuff little girl dress with Mardi Gras mask. The girls are going to learn how to walk with balance whilst walking on cobblestones in high heels, wearing evening gowns and masks. Someone fetch the plaster of paris. He is assisted by former competitor Bre who appears as though she has done nothing with her life but dye her hair red. It's more than I get done in a day, though. And why is Tyra so determined to get these girls some broken legs? The girls walk, and Bre shouts useless encouragement like "preserve your sexy, honey!" which I always thought meant to look after your wig or make sure you use moisturizer not try not to snap your ankle on cobblestones. A.J. is the winner and picks stoner Megg and crackhead Caridee as her partners. They will be modeling in some Dennis Quaid fashion show in Texas. Brooke is from Texas, and when AJ doesn't pick her, she's upset. She says she doesn't want to cry, but does. Don't even preface it with bullshit, just let it out.

Monique gets sick, and she's all sweat-glazed and I would feel bad for her if she wasn't such a douche nozzle. Melrose thinks it's all her negative energy coming back on her so she's obviously a trained physician. The Scary Hair Trio jets to Texas. They will be modeling alongside older top models, none of whom I recognize except for Coryn who I only remember because she beats out Jaeda in the man race. Can Megg like wash her weave or condition it or something? It looks scratchy. Dennis Quaid pops up, and he's got Ellen Degeneres' haircut but nice teeth. I can see why my Moms found him creamy. Greg Kinnear's there, too, so this sure is an impressive event. If Megg shouts "rock n' roll" again I'm going to kick my TV through the wall. Caridee walks like she's mechanized but Dennis Quaid is obviously popping a rod for her. Anything to wash the taste of Meg Ryan's plastic surgery out of his mouth.

The TyraMail is about walking the plank. Monique is still feverish and how she has a friend I don't know, but Eugena takes her and her comforter to the ER. And she's told she's dehydrated and sent home. So bitch should have had an Aquafina. The next challenge takes place at what at first looks like a farm. Models will be walking in a runway show modeling the clothes of the hairstylist. If Mizrahi is designing for Target, they probably could have had least landed him. The hairstylist is a hot looking bear type though. Woof. He cautions that some of the pieces are super fragile, so I can already hear the lace tearing and models crying. Monique leaves the challenge, and one of the twins has a flashback to Snow Black in the Thai hospital dying yet still winning the challenge that day. And she was in a place where no English was spoken! Got it, Monique? Mr. Orange lets us know that the girls should be prepared to do anything to sell a garment. Prostitution, murder, organ theft, what have you. Oh, and the runway is a wobbly dock in the middle of a pool. You've got to be kidding me.

Caridee's boob makes an appearance. It's so Paris, the hair stylist/designer exclaims! Most of the audience appears to be wearing his clothing as well. Who did this guy f*ck? Eugena slides into the water. Glub glub. This is so retarded. It's really just an excuse to humiliate these sad bitches.

TyraMail. Only ten will go on. Melrose gets jesus freak and feels that maybe God doesn't want Monique here. Let's hope she doesn't run over Monique in her newly purchased Christ-mobile. I would almost feel bad for Monique if she wasn't rubbing her drawers on people's beds for kicks.

Judging. Tyra holds court. Her hair is still big and scary and she's not fitting in her bustier. The cute stylist is there, as well. The judges make the girls walk with fruit bowls on their heads. Tyra says if Nnenna from last year can do it, they can. She neglects to mention that Nnenna hailed from a country where people balanced all their shit on their heads - like their living room sets, and livestock. Tyra spends a lot of time laughing at the girls. She must be stopped.

Jaeda's hair is curly and boyish - she looks like Devon from Y&R. The judges give crackhead Caridee some advice and she says "I smell what you're stepping in". Ok? Twiggy looks bewildered by her, as if they don't have blonde glue-sniffers in Jolly Ole' England. Tyra says that you have to respect the designer's clothes, as we see footage of her from 30 lbs. ago. The cute designer agrees, but it's hard to listen to a man telling you to respect clothes when he's wearing a pink blazer.

Monique is really sick, and Tyra says it's the real world and sick don't cut it. This is the real world? Judges judge amongst themselves. Caridee is correctly diagnosed as cuckoo and Nigel says its ok, they like cuckoo. When what he meant to say was he likes anything that has ever menstruated. The judges burst into song and dance to mock Monique. It's really quite amusing. Tyra becomes slow-talking retard. I usually have to fast-forward through this part because this persona irritates me. Caridee screams OH JEEZ (Tim Gunn?) when she's called and thanks Tyra for believing in her. Tyra calls her Jade, and we get some quick flashbacks to the diva herself. Tyra is funny, and obviously hated Jade and I'm loath to say this but maybe she should write this column. Monique goes home. Later, ho. The princess has been dethroned, and she doesn't go to hug anyone, She even camera-horriblebitches that this whole thing was a waste of time. Well, at least she's not wishy-washy.

Next - Melrose doesn't like lesbian orgies in her shower, and Anchal's new forehead isn't helping her insecurities.

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