Breezy is off the Wheezy

I've blogged about this before. My not-so-secret guiltiest pleasure is America's Next Top Model. I rearrange my schedule so I don't miss this show. I haven't done something like that since Friends.

The following commentary on A Socialite's Life, an entertainment blog I check regularly, (please remember that I am imprisoned at a desk for nine hours a day with nothing to do) is just as deliciously catty and guilty a pleasure as the show itself. From now on, I will make a weekly commentary post. But first, let's catch up shall we? [**side note: I realize the banner is old; this is season 7. I just use what they give me**] Also, there is at least one reference to the Flavor of Love show, on which this person also pens (types, rather?) a hilarious commentary.

America's Next Top Mildly Attractive Woman

It seems like only yesterday we were celebrating Snow Black's victory over that hot drunk Joanie. We've grown so much since then. We're bigger, faster, stronger. And somewhere Jade is telling fortunes on the boardwalk. It's time for a new crop of headcases, balding supermodels who give conflicting advice, orange homosexuals, and pre-op transsexuals. Join me, won't you?

We get the obligatory introduction to the world of Ty Ty. She decided she wanted to "give back" by gifting us with the next generation of cell phone throwers. Our cast of characters includes Ty Ty (who I suspect has gone completely bald), Ms. Jay (yay!), Mr. Jay (boo!), Twiggy (yawn....wot?), and potential date rapist Nigel Barker (ugh).

Bitches fly into L.A .from all over the land to compete. We meet some of them. Jaeda is 18 (*snicker*) and supports my theory that quite a few transsexuals have gotten past the judges in recent years. Seriously, I'm totally cool with it myself, but Jaeda is a guy. More power to him. I'm sure he will open doors for gender reassigned people everywhere. They too can be humiliated on a shitty network that no one watches, Evita has two kids who have the flu and their Dad's fighting over in Iraq. So I guess we all know who's up for Mother of the Year. Is this like when that couple took off to Cancun and had their six year old watch their infant? True story. Ms. Jay Alexander meets them at the airport and he looks a little fresher this cycle. He's all stewardess. We meet future troublemaker/borderline personality Monique, who looks a little....beat.

And that's when it occurs to me. ALL of these women look a little beat. Seriously, they're not....I don't know. I know beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes but this is a MODELING competition and leprosy is evident. There's not a lot of call for leper models is there? I'm just not feeling enthralled like I have been in the past. It's like America's Next Top Model has gone straight to DVD. Anyway, the girls are sent by Ms. Jay straight to a photo shoot at the airport. AJ, who is one of the few who could actually be called attractive, has no professional modeling experience and kind of a messy bouffant going on. There's a lot of Maxim here, but they only reach the level of Stuff - like Melrose, 23. Caridee is crazy and wide-eyed, and looks like she would laugh at your joke and then keep laughing after everyone has stopped and wipe tears from her eyes and make everyone else uncomfortable. The biggest controversy so far this cycle for me is Anchal. She's a Hindu skeleton on television. I don't see the attractiveness. At all. I hope they prove me wrong because Tyra keeps telling her nicely how beautiful she is and all I want to do is get her some ointment for the lesions and feed her.

The girls chill at the Bel Age, and we meet stunt-casted identical twins Amanda and Michelle, 18. One is prim and proper and one is all tomboy. Tyra loves the Parent Trap. And was probably all - "this is genius!" I say it's a waste of a spot some other twig could have had. During outdoor breakfast the next morning, the girls are set upon by my favorite two identical old gays - the Aswirls! Swirl! Twirl! They look like gigantic vampire bats! They're delightful and warm my cold, cold heart. They start making all the girls twirl. Hopefully no one finds it challenging because of their "heith" and yes, that's how they pronounce "height". Delightful.

And head bitch in charge Tyra comes out in gloves, and everytime I see her she looks like she's trying for some kind of revamped Glinda the Good Witch of Oz musical bullshit. With gloves, and sequins and odd voluminous dresses. And this year, they've actually airbrushed or CGI-ed her HAIRLINE. Yeah, something funky is going on up there. Her hairline appears to be misty or murky. The CW network is trying to trick us into thinking that this is all normal, but people's hairlines shouldn't be BLURRY. Something is afoot here. And she spouts the usual condescending Oprah-lite bullshit, She saw their tapes, and can't believe she's finally meeting them, yadda yadda yadda. If this bitch saw ONE of their tapes, I'm straight.

The models do their usual one-on-ones with the terrible trio. Bald, Trannie and Orange. Tyra wants them to be themselves, which is bullshit. She wants them to admit if they're nervous. Christian, 19, is sad that Tyra has retired but is ready to take over because she knows all of Tyra's incredibly intricate poses.Caridee is the blinking maniac and comes in wearing a garter which Ms. Jay takes off with his teeth. She talks about how the only famous person that ever came from her town was Paul Bunyan, and correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't he fictional? Didn't he have blue oxen or something? Does she think he was real? She's got a wet shag and she's crazy.

Anchal is our Indian skeleton and Tyra deduces she's wearing blue contacts. Anchal feels she isn't pretty and I'm going to keep quiet because I bet she's been through enough. Tyra chides her for that, and admits that she too is a slave because of the wig on her head. That's not a wig, that's a special effect. And so begins Tyra constantly telling this girl that she's a beautiful model and I am just not seeing it. Nice hair, though.

We get to know the twins in depth and Ms. Jay asks the tomboy one when she discovered her MACHULINE side and yes, he pronounces it like that. The uppity one asks him when he discovered his feminine side and he answers with "birth". Heh. They're so thin, and stumbling around in blue bikinis and my friend JB (who saved my ass by letting me watch this at his place when my DVR failed me) remarks that it's like watching Auschwitz. He's right, it's like the floorshow at Dachau.

Jaeda says she's the hot girl at school, and I assume she means Ms. Silky's Academy for Tall Trannies because she's a guy. Tyra tells her hot girl doesn't always mean model and neither does successful penis-tuckage.

Monique is excited to be here. She's been through so much because she's black and the darker skinned one in her family. Her siblings call her "Blacula", which...ouch. Tyra does that horrible condescending its ok thing, but reminds her that she's taking a chance that she could be hurt worse. At this juncture, I feel for her but then she transforms into the house wackjob so maybe she deserves to be hurt worse.

Eugena hated the last season of girls, and proceeds to cut up her competitors. She thinks she's likable, but Tyra doesn't think so. Eugena protests that she's mean in moderation.

Megan is cross-eyed and 22. She needs to start acting like an ass soon, because I can't go after her after hearing her story. When she was 9 , she was in a plane crash with her mother. And her mom died of hypothermia, trying to keep her warm. Egads. I will say she looks kinda like my glam rock hotness Mollie Sue from last season. But like the imitation. All the girls look like poor reproductions of previous contestants. It's like when I was a kid, and my Mom bought us what she told us were Transformers at the local Wal-mart except they were called Transformerz and the robots didn't actually transform as much as wear a paper tube with an F-16 painted on it.

Evita's the Mom of the Year with the two sick kids and the husband in Iraq. She also has a 5 o'clock shadow. We find out Eugena is mad at Evita for not being with her kids. Evita tells them all that she must really want this as she is missing the first time her kids eat by themselves or something to be here. Which, I don't think is helping her cause really as it makes her look selfish. Then again, there was a girl last year who left her parents to die in Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans to be on the show so Evita isn't that bad.

AJ is the one who I think could have a shot at this. She's actually very modelesque. We find out that she had cervical cancer and someone tell Tyra to cut the shit with the heartstrings tugging. I had cancer, too and yet chemo didn't make me look like that. Fuck that, I'm going to sue a bitch down at the Dana-Farber.

Cyndel works at Jezebel's, and is an "entertainer" - not a stripper. She looks like Gollum and she slurs that there's not really a big difference between modeling and stripping. As you can imagine, Ty Ty LOVED that riff. She gets a little defensive with "Cyndel" which is a total stripper name. Cyndel is the name of a girl who can pick up dollar bills with her triangular mystery.

Jaslene (real name) is a fiery Latina male revolutionary who cracks up Ty Ty and crew by showing them her "catalog" pose. Melrose's actual name is Melissa Rose but she dropped the "issa" because it's too much and she didn't have time for it. From now on, please call me "Jarvey". And then punch me in the mouth. Anyway, that's a sampling of the hopefuls.

The next day, Mr. and Ms. Jay reveal who the first round of the chosen are. Mr. Jay is wearing this weird goddess Isis from Egypt hooker shirt. He's sorta revolting. He mentions how he always gets trampled by the girls during this part. Caridee blinks and looks all fucked up on Dexedrine or something.

Cyndel the stripper Gollum didn't make it. She's going to keep "loving myself" and she's"no sore loser". She's obviously already on her way back to the whorepole beause she's decked out in a red tube top with a wet look hairdo. A girl has got to get paid.

The first photoshoot is designed to weed out the people with morals or any conservative wackjobs because it's nude. Becky, 21, mentions she might not have a home to go to if she does this? Dude, it's not going to appear in "Barely Legal" it's for a network TV SHOW. Everyone watching at home wonders how Jaeda is going to hide her member. People give Becky and Ginger shit for being reluctant. Ginger only takes two snaps, and Jaslene is all bitchy about it. Jaslene immediately slides her way into nude spread eagled formation during her shoot and looks awfully relaxed at being nekkid in front of a camera.

The Terrible Trio judge the pics. Carideen posed with her hair in her face which kinda defeats the purpose. Ms. Jay thinks Jaeda looks a bit "special" and uses a Herman Munster voice. I love him. There's a weird discussion about Tyra's hair and how her mom always wore her hair in a bun and enough, please.

Thirteen victims make it. Among those not picked is Evita, who better haul ass home before DYS gets wind of her sick children home alone. Stay tuned for part 2.


The final 13 meet with Ms. Jay for their first runway challenge. The girls get dressed by Elmer Ave., who are designers who previously guest-starred on Janice Dickinson's show, which means someone slept with someone to get from Oxygen to CW. The models have to wear rock-n-roll type clothes and work it. Melrose acts like it's a strip-off so she wins it. The girls ride to their new house in a limo all Tyra-decorated. The theme of this year seems to be preceding an inevitable Tyra magazine launch. Because everything is about this fictitious Tyra magazine. It's really corny.

Monique takes Eugena's bed by simulating having pissed on it. I see your true colors, shining through. So much for that sob "Blacula" story. Melrose is trying to be the mom of the house, and sets rules as she's making dinner and I would take that Tyra limo over to the drive through if faced with that bullshit. Just because you grated some cheese doesn't mean you gave birth to me. The house gets dirty really quickly, and Anchal left a ring of leprosy around the tub drain. Yeesh. They have a house meeting, and Monique reveals that she will take a long shower if she feels like it because she's Monique. Which I guess is as good of an excuse as any. I always lie and say I fall asleep in the shower when questioned. She then tries to pass it off as some kind of OCD, but "rude bitch" isn't a recognized OCD symptom as far as I know. But I'm a layman.

Tyra mail! In magazine form. Ugh. It's something about drunken anorexic bitches, and several of the anorexic girls protest that they're not anorexic which they clearly are. Photo shoot. It's all about representing stereotypes about models. Tyra comes out crazy, doing this incredibly retarded act as a crazy diva. Seriously, this season is corny. Tyra is obviously gunning for a shot on another sit-com but I doubt she's getting off the CW anytime soon. Each of the girls is assigned a stereotype to portray.

Melrose won the Elmer Ave. challenge so she gets a personal assistant, Lindsay, for the day. Lindsay is a babydyke who obviously hates her. Monique portrays a crazy model that throws cell phones at her assistant. So one of the writers seems to be awfully intuitive. Caridee gets the dumb blond role, which enough said the better. Some of the photographs taken are really on the tasteful side as the girls try to remain glamorous as they portray drug overdose and bulimia. That's sweet. Mr. Orangina thinks that model hopeful Christian is merely a "broken-down Tyra Banks" when all this time I thought that Tyra Banks was the broken-down Tyra Banks.

Eugena portrays a black girl trying to be white and says that white girls smack their gum. I'm leading a protest march for white girls for THAT comment. Jaeda has to "act like" a plastic surgery victim, which is WAY too close for everyone's comfort to the real situation.

Melrose dictates her makeup and the makeup artist hates her. She gives attitude to Mr. Jay, and is told to just jump in bed, which I'm sure she's heard before. Her shoot sucks and she's "disappointed in me" She runs off and cries from behind a locked door. I suspect she's actually crying INTO her body mike to insure we hear it. I hate her. Later - she wears a pink beret that should get her a beating. The sooner the better.

Elimination. The models come before the judges. Tyra is doing that wide-eyed, talking slow deal which makes me want to batter my television with a hockey stick. CW is obviously lacking for fundage as one of the prizes this year has the lucky winner posing for Seventeen magazine, which is sad. Perverted Nigel Barker is in the hizzy, and drooling pre-cum as usual. Eww. Girls come before judges. Tyra does a lot of ordering the girls to pull hair back. Monique is all smiles and I'm scared of her but I'm still leading that protest march.

AJ is suddenly all unconfident and crying. Uh, what happened? Was she just drunk or high before and has come down? Caridee is lauded for giving so many types of dumb, which is kinda the point of modeling. Dumb is just a part of modeling, not stripping. Tyra acts out Caridee portraying dumb and I hate when Tyra acts. Tyra keeps saying Anchal is the prettiest, and I feel like I'm losing my mind or maybe I have some cataracts. Tyra lambastes Jaeda for looking like a mom with her hair in her face and a blazer on when all she was trying to do was hide her man.

Nigel feels having a competitive edge could destroy you. What? Shut up, Nigel. Tyra discusses how some people of color don't feel beautiful because of their skin tone and whitest woman in the world Twiggy nods knowingly. Melrose's behavior is discussed and Tyra advises that if you're a bitch, hide it. Ms. Jay gives her the side-eye as if to indicate that he will not be hiding his bitch, thank you.

Final judging. Tyra talks slow as if the girls are retarded. Maybe she's onto something. Monique fake laughs at everything Tyra says. Seriously, she's alarming. I wouldn't fall asleep around her. She'll be wearing your scalp like a wig the next morning.

It's down to Melrose and broke-down Tyra Banks Christian. Melrose looks terrified as if a trap door will open under her or someone will shoot her if she's axed. Christian is booted and yet, Melrose is the one who needs comforting as she collapses in the fetal position on the floor. Get up, bitch! It seriously takes like five minutes for anyone to acknowledge the chick that lost because of this performance. I think I hate Melrose and her dramatics. Seriously, that pink beret is getting set on fire if I have anything to do with it.

Next - Makeovers! Jaeda proves that men can cry, too! Anchal hangs up the phone on Monique and I'm terrified of the repercussions. Bitch is nuts.

A Princess of the Throne

Previously - Monique sucks, Melrose is showy, and Christian got canned.

Michelle and Megan bond and practice their runway walk. Melrose is in the kitchen, thinking about Christian but only thinking about her when the camera is on her I'm sure because if you don't have time for the "issa" part of your name then how in the hell should we believe you have time to mourn for the first loser bitch to get kicked off? Meanwhile, Eugena and Monique have apparently gotten over the incident where Monique faked peeing on Eugena's bed to acquire it and are sitting in the hot tub cutting Melrose up. Monique's a douche, and not even an entertaining one. At least previous douches (Jade, Jade, and uh, Jade) were kinda interesting in their douche-ness.

TyraMail! Still flogging that sad magazine theme. We're all stocked up on Oprah already, honey - start a line of muffler shops or something. The TyraMail is something idiotic about orange juice and you know how I feel about Mr. Jay. Ugh. The next morning, girls trying to wake up on time and look good have set alarms. And Monique isn't having this because she's trying to get her beauty sleep. And she's yelling in the confessional, and god I really think she's the worst thing since AIDS. I wish Snow Black was here. Snow Black wouldn't be having this.

The girls meet the Jays for breakfast, and if Mr. Jay doesn't look like he came from one of Florida's finest groves. Ugh. And he's got this horrific pink/purple polo and baseball hat ensemble and I could not eat with that staring at me. I'd rather look at Anchal or maybe myself in the morning after a bender. *shiver* They thought this was the makeover show, and they're right but they need to be psychologically tortured first.

Mr. Jay starts a conversation about how he thinks the models need to draw from their own experiences to "reach a place of vulnerability". And of course, Megan's mom dying in the plane crash is brought up and this is not the last time we're going to hear of this. Cause who doesn't want to give their life for their nine-year-old daughter only to have it used as a story point on a trashy reality TV show? On the new CW? Ugh. Ms. Jay looks like he just wants to finish his farmer's omlette and get the hell out of there. As we get camera shots of the orphaned girl (Megan) and the cancer survivor (AJ), we get some contrast via perky Brooke who is merely sipping her OJ and acting as if she's ever experienced a tragedy in her life beyond CVS being out of the kind of tampons she likes. Oh, and note Jaeda mentions how she likes her hair long. Not the brightest trannie in the world.

Tyra pulls this weird stunt where she won't let the girls into the house at first, and she's getting increasingly more eccentric in conjunction with her hips getting wider. And she's still working with this weird 40's glamour hairdo and I don't get it. Anyway, in the living room - a big salon is set up. And we have the makeover show!

Girls get their makeover assignments, and I miss a lot of them because of Mr. Jay's ugly-ass pink baseball cap. Take it off! TAKE IT OFF! Stop! Fall back! Some of the assignments seem kinda dumb though. Fer instance, Megan's getting a pixie cut when she already has one so she's going to look like Squeaky Fromme during the Manson trial. Google that. Not pretty. And Anchal is getting...her same hair? Though she is getting her hairline moved back? That sounds like it would require skin grafts. I would leave. It's not worth it. That sounds like some kind of freak accident that happens when you get your hair caught in a carnival ride. Tyra tells her she's going to a "Tyra Banks five-head, girl". Frankly, as the owner of a "Tyra Banks five-head", I wouldn't recommend it. It's the bane of my existence really. People keep putting up concert posters on it.

Tyra asks of Monique - "what do we do to this girl that already looks great?" Kill her? Though, Tyra says it in a sappy way which means they might totally f*ck with her. I hope. Monique wanted something different than the haircut and slight color Tyra proposes. I did too. I wanted a Cyndi Lauper bright red waffle iron look. Jaeda's screwed. Tyra brings up her boast of being hottest ho in high school, and tells her she's not pretty, she's "handsome". And she's obviously not as good as Hilary Swank at pulling off what she's trying to pull off. She's getting Halle Berry hair. Which on a man is well, a man's hair cut. Sorry, Jaeda.

She cries in the kitchen. Big man tears. Some of the changes are hot. Anchal actually looks slightly more human with a bigger forehead. Others don't. They messed with the twins Fiona Apple-ness and I miss it. I love how Orangina starts cutting large chunks of hair off Jaeda's head and suddenly we're in V for Vendetta as she's sobbing. People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, they should be afraid of a bitter orange twink queen in a pink baseball cap with scissors. Later on, one of the flunkies is like "at least she calmed down" and he's like "whatever". He's a Mean Girl. Jaeda really only looks slightly more mannish, but she does feel like she misses the "girlish thing" she had going on. And that was NOT what she had going on. What she had going on is tucked somewhere and that's all I'm going to say.

They tried to make Caridee less "actressy" and actually made her more "car show". Monique causes a scene because (as a hotsy burly bear of a hairdresser tells Orangeman) "nobody's ever seen her without her weave". Mean Girl doesn't care. Monique sobs in a dressing room, and Anchal looks in with some pizza like there might be something interesting going on and then exits quickly. The Jays go up to see what her damage is. She feels alarms are going off because she's without her weave. Orange Mean Girl rolls his eyes and reminds her she's getting a fresh one. Which is probably a good thing, because any girl who will simulate pissing on someone's bed probably doesn't have a fresh weave.

Orange Mean Girl chews out all the girls for being disrespectful towards the beautiful changes they are undergoing. Anchal is eating again. Judging by her weight, I'm going to hazard a guess that she's not actually letting anything digest if you know what I mean. Mean Girl actually storms out and the girls he directed his diatribe towards (Jaeda and Monique) look ashamed and AJ is grinning and laughing and don't think cancer survivors can't express glee over other's misfortune.

Megan telephones her girlfriend (the one she's going to dump for Michelle) about the makeover drama. Caridee reads the next Tyra mail and let's just say she shouldn't take a job as a public speaker. She sounds a little Flowers for Algernon. The next day is all about makeup. And there's this weird challenge involving elevators and if they miss them, they're boned. Megg missed the doors. There are women in underwear running out of elevators. It's hot. Monique misses the elevator, and someone comments that they're all getting beat up tonight for sure. Don't take any shit off her, she cried because she had her weave out!

The girls arrive to meet with a Cover Girl executive and it's Queen Latifah and she looks hot. She introduces her girlfriend....err, makeup artist Roxana. One of the twins chose this sparkly black dress that makes her look like Carrot Top in drag. Seriously, they gave her some sucky hair. Caridee put a do-rag on her head and is ready for the beach. She's wacky.

Latifah is fairly sweet to the girls, and chooses Eugena as the winner. Mainly because she put on more makeup than the other victims. Eugena chooses Caridee and Jaeda as her co-winners. Monique takes her ass home still in her evening dress and gets on the phone. For hours. Other girls need to use that phone. Can you sense what's coming? Monique's in a snit because she didn't get to meet Latifah. Things get tense as people flash her trying to get off the phone. She's not Megan. Oh, and her moms is a holy roller and tells Monique that they shouldn't mess with her because she's a "child of God" and a "princess of the throne". It's all coming clear to me now. Holy roller parents who are convinced that spoiling their child is god's work are never good.

Anchal rolls up and this is suddenly a Bollywood horror movie. Monique and Anchal take it to a Flavor of Love place, and I realize that Anchal might have channeled all those people telling her that she was ugly into the moxie to seriously f*ck someone up. Monique stays on the phone with a dial tone in her ear for another hour and then finally exits to mock everyone like the douche that she is. Unfortunately, everyone realized that she's a douche and left so she's mocking no one. I hate Monique.

Tyra mail. It's all about wigs, so hopefully the princess of the throne has to take her weave out again. Eugena and her two co-winners get shot first and Eugena doesn't care if the other girls are jealous. Let's not emulate Monique. Today's challenge has to do with hair. You know those hair shows where the models have these crazy wigs with moving parts? Seriously. I used to work with a girl who was a hair model, and she once showed me a photo of her holding a trophy with a giant owl plastered on her head and wearing a dress made of hair. And she and the hairstylist were the winners. True story. It was hot. Anyway, the girls are going to get made up like that and they have to wear the hair - the hair cannot wear them. I think Jaeda is just happy she's getting some hair back for a brief moment. She looks bare. She looks boot camp, actually.

Why is Orange Jay wearing Prince's outfit from the "Kiss" video? I'm waiting for him to walk to the side and Wendy or Lisa will be sitting on a stool strumming a guitar and wishing he would put the Revolution back together. We meet the weavologists (that's their actual job description) who will be assisting the ladies. Mr. Little has his cell headset stuck in his ear, and are weaves that important that you need to be on call 24-7? That's just desperate for attention. His cohorts are Lisa B. and "Weavin' Steven", a white man who announces his name while rocking the whole clichéd African-American female attitude neck snap. Some time ago, I read a post online by a fellow homosexual who wrote an open letter to all gay men informing them that they are not strong black women no matter how strongly they wish for it. I myself have trouble remembering that. My boyfriend thinks I want to be a sista so bad. Anyway, settle down Weavin' Steven.

Monique gets a revolving trophy on her head and did they HAVE to encourage her? Michelle gets an off camera wink from Megan, and Megan's girlfriend back home better pack her things because there's a stringbean moving in and probably bringing her twin sister to live in the in-law apartment. Megan's shoot isn't going well, and Michelle is pacing off camera and it's not like they're going to be turned down for a loan to start their lesbian commune or something. Simmer down, Michelle. I love how the editors are totally trying to make us think they're already onto the dental dam. I've also noticed that these wigs are the height of frivolity, so the models trying to look sexy in them look like dorks.

The photographer doesn't love Eugena's attitude. Eugena is a handmaiden of the throne, I'm thinking. I love how Melrose's idea of modeling edges right up to pole dancing. And Tyra hates that. Melrose gets kudos from Orangina, and Monique and her trophy fume. Jaeda's got some SERIOUS implants and Jay obviously hasn't forgiven her for crying while he cut off her hair so he makes her shoot a little hellish. Hell is having an orange queen yell at you while a tiny green helicopter made of hair is whirling on your head.

Back at the house, everyone hates Monique. I would feel sorry for her but can't. It's the douche rule, you see. I guess she flicks some pool water on Melrose, and Melrose starts acting out and up and over and running away and washing her face and shut up, Melrose.

Judging. Ms. Jay has this schoolgirl wig on with a green headband and matching sweater and I wish he were my Mom. Twiggy looks like someone left her coffin open and she got out. And we learn that the photographer for this challenge was the one who took the famous Snow Black photo! Yeah! Danielle! Sorry, I mean Dani! Bring her back!

Nigel Barker feels that Melrose's makeover has "opened her up". I bet. Nigel is so greasy. Tyra takes another opportunity to tell Jaeda that she's no longer the prettiest girl in school. I think Tyra is having some sort of flashback to high school crisis. Jaeda protests that she's just getting used to her hair, and Tyra dismisses her abruptly and Jaeda looks crestfallen. And like a man. Sorry. Caridee shows up with her hair wet and Nigel is unhappy about that because he wanted to wash her hair. I love how Caridee is always as wide-eyed as possible and trying to look like she's absorbing all the information she can when really it's just the coke.

Brooke is just so perky and fun, and describes herself as a newly "luscious brunette". AJ's nose got big in her pic. She smiles when dismissed, but part of her looks like "I didn't survive cancer to endure this bullshit". Judges judge amongst themselves. Nigel feels that Caridee looks "quite drag" in her picture and Ms. Jay and Tyra feel that isn't a bad thing. Ms. Jay looks like he wants to slap that bitch. He should. Slap the perv right out of him!

Tyra goes into her slow-talking, wide-eyed end of show bullshit. God, I hate this part. It comes down to Megan and Jaeda. I think Tyra hates dykes and trannies. Megan is going home and why don't we see Michelle crying and screaming? Oh wait. We do see Michelle with tears! And Amanda! Was it a twin threesome? And I guess a horrific plane crash story only takes a model so far...

Next - Ms. Jay takes herself to the high wire and Melrose and Monique take it past Flavor of Love and potentially onto Jerry Springer.