Breezy is off the Wheezy

Mortimer for Shortimer and the Soph-meister

2008-07-08T18:43:00.012-06:00

Sophie's quite the attention hog.

But she usually gets her way. Here's Brett's lil sis Jaime falling for her charms.

This is how Mort sits on the couch. Also, photographic evidence that Sophie will in fact leave him alone on the rare occasion.

Mortimer with Duke, Brett's other dog that lives with his mom.

Brett's older sister Jill's cat Jack (haha - Jack and Jill) showing Mort who's the boss.

Mortimer checking out Brett's new video game.

Mort's big eyes

My FAVORITE - Mort just discovered he can jump up and drape his paws over the railing. Here he is surveying the golf course.

Full view

Mortimer's our horse and Sophie's our warden. She is completely convinced she runs the place.

Mort has not had a very good day. He got snipped this morning. That's the only bad thing that happened to him, but I'm pretty sure that would ruin a dog's entire day. Poor guy. He's resting now. But he was starting to hump. And let me tell you - it's frightening when a 55-lb puppy wraps his enormous front paws around your WAIST. *shudder* But there you have it. Those are our pups!

OH MY GOD YOU CAN SEE ME IN THIS PIC!!!!

2008-04-10T13:30:00.004-06:00

That's me with the white Jayhawk flag, I'm on Brett's shoulders - you can kinda see his shoulders, and kind of make out the shadow of his hat in front of the flag; and to the bottom right corner of the flag is Lisa in the red sweatshirt!!

What are the freaking odds?!?!?!

That's a crappy small version; here's a link to it and you can enlarge it here.
http://www.pictopia.com/perl/ptp?provider_id=136&photo_name=media.lawrence.com/img/photos/2008/04/08/Mass_on_mass3035.jpg

Additional Pictures from KU's monumental game & the aftermath

2008-04-10T10:44:00.012-06:00

Regrettably, these are not my own pictures, but they're awesome nonetheless.

Roy rooting on the 'Hawks

Super Mario!!!

Do you think they're happy?

Darrell Arthur & Matt Kleinmann

The group - I like Sasha Kaun there in the middle

Super Mario's miracle shot

Mass St on Monday night

Somewhere between 40 and 60 thousand! I've heard both.

Aerial view of Mass St

KU!!! - 2008 National Champs!

2008-04-09T06:41:00.031-06:00

Lawrence, KS. I wouldn't have been anywhere else Monday night. Brett, our friend/his classmate Bova and me watched that unbelievable, edge-of-your-seat game at his sister's apartment in Lawrence, and superstitions ruled. Do we wear the beads or don't we (no - they ended up being terrible luck)? Most of us were wearing the same exact outfits we wore when KU tromped on North Carolina and Roy. I donned the same stick-on Jayhawk tattoo and same bright blue KU-shoes. You could hear people from all over Lawrence cheering, chanting, shooting off fireworks.

And I have to admit it was pretty cool of Roy Williams to be in the crowd, wearing a Jayhawk button and cheering for KU.

Then we fell behind - it was deathly quiet in that apartment when we were down by 9 with little more than 2 minutes left in the game. Bova was on the deck because she couldn't bear to watch it. Next thing you know, they're missing their free throws and then Chalmers - SUPER MARIO - hits the game tying 3-pointer. And we dominated the overtime. We finally got to rush Mass Street and party like it was 1988 (as one paper put it).

No words I can write can possibly do any of this justice. So here are the photos:

I thought Brett looked adorable but he didn't think it was manly. The tattoo was removed shortly after.

Bova arrives

We are about to begin our trek to KU Country - Lawrence, Kansas. That's my tattoo from the NC game.

Our lovely and gracious hostess, Jill

The younger sister, Jaime (a.k.a. Jamamie)

Some of our watch party - from left, Bova, Jeff, Jaime and Annie (as you can see, she tried to jinx the whole game via failure to wear a KU shirt) :)

The rest of the watch party - from left, Mark, Jill and my dorky self (those are the unlucky beads)

Jaime yelling at someone to close the door!! We had opened them because one of the Memphis players was supposedly freaked out by open doors...??? Something like that. So we tried opening them to jinx him.

Brett cheered a little too rough

See?

It turned out to be lucky. Brett bleeds KU. :)

KU just won it all in overtime. I like how all you can see of Bova is her hand holding the champagne bottle.

On our way to Mass St to celebrate

Brett and Bova

Prepping our flag

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK. See the Mass St sign behind me? :) That's cool.

Here is a hippie streaker

The sea of people on Mass St. One count that we heard was 40,000 people, just on Mass.

'nother shot of the crowd

and another

There were a LOT of people there. Eventually it became like one massive mosh pit.

And here we are, at one of the sites of a great moment in KU basketball history. :)

Rock Chalk Jayhawk. Go KU. Long live the 'hawks, and SUPER MARIO CHALMERS FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Chug Graduates

2008-02-28T15:52:00.006-06:00

She did it. Sophie completed 8 weeks (ok technically 6 - we skipped out on a couple of classes but kept on practicing at home) of her Puppy Class at PetsMart. She sailed beautifully through her final exam, which consisted of simply going through everything that she learned in front of the rest of the class.

This is the rest of the class - photo attempt 1:

Photo attempt 2 - they just wanted to box:

The class started out with eight other rambunctious puppies and ended with only two. And SOPHIE was one of them! She did great. Until she got to the graduation picture. It is no easy task trying to place a mortarboard atop a puppie's head. Catch the video here. And after all that, I actually got a decent shot:

Congraduations, Sophie! Mama's proud!

Tales From the Break Table

2007-07-28T10:33:00.000-06:00

An actual conversation, yesterday at the Break Table:

Jennifer mentions she's never been to a pond/lake, etc.

Jenn: I've only been in water I can see through. Like pools, or the ocean.

Me: I can understand that though. It's kinda gross stepping in water that's so murky you don't know what you're stepping on. Especially when little fish start swimming around your ankles.

Christina: What about when it's turtles or snakes?

Jenn: Or jellyfish.

Oh, our sweet, sheltered Jenn. This is the same girl who actually vacuums out the inside of her oven. And who was shocked to discover that ovens alert you when they are finished preheating. She thought that was just the neatest invention!

Yay!

2007-02-23T20:16:00.000-06:00

My fingers are missing the keys (hey - it's Friday - I'm entitled to a little bit of alcoholic-beverage-fun), so here's a post from my favorite Web site:

Well Played Halle Berry...

I miss Halle Berry's kicky short haircut, the one that was practically her signature for such a long time. Not that she can't rock a full head of hair, but the pixie was cute on her and she is one of those rare individuals with a perfect face that can carry off that sort of cut.
However, that's really the only thing I can say about her that isn't a bit disgustingly glowing. Obviously, I don't know her personally, but...

... the woman sure can wear a dress. It'd be very easy for that neckline to look overly constrictive, or to push things down or up or out in an awkward way, or even to sit low enough that the effect is slightly droopy. But not on Halle. Of course. Everything looks properly lush and plump and fluffed, and the sheen of the dress is stunning against her lovely skin.

Bitch.

Damn, I can't even work up a nice, satisfying resentment of her, no matter how hard I try. I'm just happy for her and I kind of want her to take me shopping. Now, as I said, I don't know her, so maybe she's a complete nightmare and likes to wash her dishes with bourbon and eats nails and uses kittens to scrub the bathroom floor. I don't know her life. But it certainly is a pleasure to watch her wear clothes, and she manages to do it without exuding any kind of arrogance -- there's not really any of that "Yeah, I'm hot, you envious sadsacks, and I KNOW IT, so SUCK ON YOUR SORRY ASSES" stuff going on, nor any desperation for attention; she just seems to go out there and quietly glow and avoid making a spectacle of herself. She is her own best accessory, and she's developed a real knack for picking clothes that enhance her rather than wear her.

Like I said: Bitch.

(is it just me or does Halle Berry kinda look like a black Julia Roberts?)

Sigh. Still isn't working.

When the president talks to God - Bright Eyes

2007-02-18T21:40:00.000-06:00

When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women's rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or just merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs, the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends

When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess God just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God

When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?

I doubt it

I doubt it

Watch them play it on Jay Leno here.

2007-01-26T18:20:00.000-06:00

Evolution of Dance

For all you Democrats out there.

2006-11-14T09:46:00.000-06:00

2006-11-12T12:48:00.000-06:00

I DARE you not to laugh.

2006-10-31T16:22:00.000-06:00

Happy Halloween

This video captures a ghostly image, but you have to watch closely to catch it. It's spooky!

I am so scared right now...

2006-10-27T09:12:00.000-06:00

Last night, I did something stupid. I thought it would be fun to scare myself. So I watched VH1's Celebrity Paranormal Project. This first episode sent five celebrities to Waverly Hills Sanitorium. What they do is these guys get dropped off and the crew leaves so all they have are their own cameras, as well as a couple of security cameras placed in the building they'll be exploring. But that's it. Then they send them in there two at a time, in complete and utter darkness - the only light they have is attached to their little head camera things. And oh. my. God.

Evidently, Waverly Hills was used during the tuberculosis epidemic in Louisville in the '30s. The disease ran so rampant that a patient died every hour - they say that 63,000 people died at Waverly alone. There are reports of shadow people, a doctor roaming the hallway, ghosts of children and unexplained noises...among other things. *shudder*

So anyway, at one point, Hal Sparks was sent to the place where the children were allowed to play. He threw a couple balls to try to lure the ghost kids out and one of the balls rolled back to him on its own. And then he saw the shadow of a young boy walk across a wall!!!!!! He said he saw lit eyes but I must've missed that. Oh my God so creepy...

Then this other girl and Gary Busey were sent to a room, and they had a thermal camera or something. They didn't see anything for a few seconds but then something moved right by them and they said they felt really cold, and you heard a sound on the bed near them. And then, this is such bullshit, if it were me I would have ran crying and screaming from the room, they left the girl in there by herself after they'd seen all this!!!!!! Oh HELL no.

At one point, Hal said he felt someone push him from behind... You could hear these sounds with them, too. You heard footsteps in the hallway, people screaming down the hall. You can watch the clips on the link above.

I'm all for scaring myself, I think it's fun. I get pleasant chills when I hear ghostly accounts from people I know. But man, this was too much. I was so freaked out. How dumb of me to watch this.

Oh, I was all by myself, too. Brett was at a study group. But right after the show ended, he called me saying he was on his way. He hadn't had any dinner so he asked me to stick a frozen dinner in the microwave for him. I didn't even want to leave the room I was so scared... But I finally did, and took Duke with me.

Here's where it starts getting creepy for real. Duke usually follows me around everywhere in the apartment. But for some reason, he wouldn't stay in the kitchen. He kept wanting to go to the hallway and his tail was wagging and everything. I'd call him to me and he'd look, and then turn around and try to head for the hallway. I am probably just paranoid, but when he is usually attached at my hip, and then all of a sudden wants to go to something else... that freaks me out.

Then later that night, I woke up in the middle of the night and I swear I heard popcorn popping. I swear. I thought Brett had gotten up to make some but I felt his foot against mine. So I'm SUPER creeped out now. And then I see Brett kinda sit up and I know he can hear it, too and is thinking the same thing I am. After a bit, he laid back down and pulled the covers over his head. I followed suit. I tried to force myself to think that it was just the drain outside 'cause it was raining, but it sounded so unnervingly like popcorn being popped and it sounded like it was coming from behind us, in the kitchen, instead of outside....

This morning, I asked Brett if he'd heard what sounded like popcorn. And he goes, "I heard a lot of weird noises last night." *shudder*

It doesn't help that we are convinced a ghost is following Brett around. Maybe not honestly convinced but weird things have happened. Like when we left his room and came back a few minutes later and the light fixture over his bed had fallen where he was sitting only moments before. Or when we knew we'd closed a door and then looked again and it was wide open. It's freaky, man...

Oh yeah, and here's the ANTM recap. I don't want to talk about the show at all. I cannot believe that they eliminated Brooke. They had no valid reason to, and lots of valid reasons for other girls. Why Brooke?! I sincerely believe that it's rigged, now. Something is amiss in ANTM world.

But they had to pose with Fabio, which made me think of this fun site I came across. hehe

Plus, I did like the scary photos they did. I wish they posted all the final shots online.... But I'm going to leave you with Scary-Eyed Anchal.

2006-10-16T10:48:00.000-06:00

High-pitched, squeaky "Awwww!!!!!"

And in 37 seconds, you'll see why.

America's Next Top Model: Beauty Freaks

2006-10-12T14:45:00.000-06:00

I'll just post a link to this one because it's sub-par compared to the previous ones.

Here you go.

Oh and FYI, the job hunt continues....

They must have a quota to meet.

2006-10-10T09:11:00.000-06:00

I don't know what is going on lately, but I have experienced a dramatic influx of spam in my email. I'm talkin' out-of-control proportions here, people.

Rarely do I check my email over the weekends: (a) because why read emails that are perfectly good time killers for work?, (b) I'm soaking up my time with Brett because I barely see him during the week, and (c) when I don't see Brett I'm usually bogged down with things like laundry and keeping the apartment looking decent.

So I'm checking my email yesterday morning, and usually my bulk folder has a handful of crap emails. But yesterday, there were 63 messages! This morning there were another 19. What the heck is going on?? Some crafty little spammers are even finding ways to bypass bulk folders now. A few of those emails are popping up in my regular inbox.

This has got to stop. It's just flippin' ridiculous.

J. Harvey once again, folks. He does not disappoint.

2006-10-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

America's Next Top Model: Princess Dethroned

Previously - Monique was a princess of the throne and Megan's plane crash story did nothing for her.

Night. The girls are high as kites and using a long mattress to slide down the stairs. Jaeda misses her hair and to be truthful - she looks like she just got shock treatment. They really messed her up. In the next scene, she has it slicked down and looks like Eddie Murphy in Harlem Nights. Everyone still hates Monique and who can blame them - they're only human and have all six of their senses. TyraMail! Something about being on a line. Girls leave in the van, and Melrose says she's being all attentive because nothing here is pointless. You sure? Ms. Jay is waiting for them on a tightrope, and being his usual goofy queen self. The girls are here to learn balance. Ms. Jay's got some lacquer on his hair or something - it looks positively flammable.

Caridee asks the wire guys if they've ever seen a blonde do this? And she says she can barely walk a straight line sober. How would you know, Drunky? In her one-on-one, she's got that wet dog hair thing going on which makes me think of the way bad home perms smell. One of the wire trainers demands that Eugena smile. She is supposed to be showing more emotion, but for real? You're lucky I can even UNCLENCH my teeth if I'm walking on a friggin' tightrope! Melrose is one-on-oneing in her pink beret again. I hope someone French beats her ass for making their country look worse

Exercise over. More TyraMail about frocks, but the real show is Melrose and Monique. There is more drama over the phone. Monique busts in on Melrose, and then Melrose repeatedly shuts the door, whacking Monique out of the doorway. How this plate glass door stays in one piece I have no idea. I'm shocked none of these crazed bitches hasn't hurled a hairbrush through it yet. Monique tells her Mom, the queen of the throne, that she's about to hit Melrose. When Monique goes into the phone booth, she shoulder checks Melrose. Melrose laughs it off; because once you've dropped the "issa" you're ready for anything. Monique is crazy and evil, she's "crevil". She decides it would be funny to rub her panties all over Melrose's bed. With Melrose in it. Ewww. She's a goddamn whack-a-mole. She giggles and gibbers and hopefully she doesn't have the clap or Melrose's comforter is going to have to head down to the VD clinic. The girls are all kinda nervous now. Anchal expresses concern that Monique might throw lemonade on her while she sleeps. What a random liquid to be afraid of. Honey, Monique is much more likely to throw her own urine on you. After Monique finishes with the panty-wiping, she curls her hair and hisses to herself. They need to give her some scary music, and an eye patch.

The next day is more blah, blah, blah Monique and Melrose. One of these girls needs to get axed, because I'm getting bored. The girls head off to the hills where they encounter Ms. Jay in this huge creampuff little girl dress with Mardi Gras mask. The girls are going to learn how to walk with balance whilst walking on cobblestones in high heels, wearing evening gowns and masks. Someone fetch the plaster of paris. He is assisted by former competitor Bre who appears as though she has done nothing with her life but dye her hair red. It's more than I get done in a day, though. And why is Tyra so determined to get these girls some broken legs? The girls walk, and Bre shouts useless encouragement like "preserve your sexy, honey!" which I always thought meant to look after your wig or make sure you use moisturizer not try not to snap your ankle on cobblestones. A.J. is the winner and picks stoner Megg and crackhead Caridee as her partners. They will be modeling in some Dennis Quaid fashion show in Texas. Brooke is from Texas, and when AJ doesn't pick her, she's upset. She says she doesn't want to cry, but does. Don't even preface it with bullshit, just let it out.

Monique gets sick, and she's all sweat-glazed and I would feel bad for her if she wasn't such a douche nozzle. Melrose thinks it's all her negative energy coming back on her so she's obviously a trained physician. The Scary Hair Trio jets to Texas. They will be modeling alongside older top models, none of whom I recognize except for Coryn who I only remember because she beats out Jaeda in the man race. Can Megg like wash her weave or condition it or something? It looks scratchy. Dennis Quaid pops up, and he's got Ellen Degeneres' haircut but nice teeth. I can see why my Moms found him creamy. Greg Kinnear's there, too, so this sure is an impressive event. If Megg shouts "rock n' roll" again I'm going to kick my TV through the wall. Caridee walks like she's mechanized but Dennis Quaid is obviously popping a rod for her. Anything to wash the taste of Meg Ryan's plastic surgery out of his mouth.

The TyraMail is about walking the plank. Monique is still feverish and how she has a friend I don't know, but Eugena takes her and her comforter to the ER. And she's told she's dehydrated and sent home. So bitch should have had an Aquafina. The next challenge takes place at what at first looks like a farm. Models will be walking in a runway show modeling the clothes of the hairstylist. If Mizrahi is designing for Target, they probably could have had least landed him. The hairstylist is a hot looking bear type though. Woof. He cautions that some of the pieces are super fragile, so I can already hear the lace tearing and models crying. Monique leaves the challenge, and one of the twins has a flashback to Snow Black in the Thai hospital dying yet still winning the challenge that day. And she was in a place where no English was spoken! Got it, Monique? Mr. Orange lets us know that the girls should be prepared to do anything to sell a garment. Prostitution, murder, organ theft, what have you. Oh, and the runway is a wobbly dock in the middle of a pool. You've got to be kidding me.

Caridee's boob makes an appearance. It's so Paris, the hair stylist/designer exclaims! Most of the audience appears to be wearing his clothing as well. Who did this guy f*ck? Eugena slides into the water. Glub glub. This is so retarded. It's really just an excuse to humiliate these sad bitches.

TyraMail. Only ten will go on. Melrose gets jesus freak and feels that maybe God doesn't want Monique here. Let's hope she doesn't run over Monique in her newly purchased Christ-mobile. I would almost feel bad for Monique if she wasn't rubbing her drawers on people's beds for kicks.

Judging. Tyra holds court. Her hair is still big and scary and she's not fitting in her bustier. The cute stylist is there, as well. The judges make the girls walk with fruit bowls on their heads. Tyra says if Nnenna from last year can do it, they can. She neglects to mention that Nnenna hailed from a country where people balanced all their shit on their heads - like their living room sets, and livestock. Tyra spends a lot of time laughing at the girls. She must be stopped.

Jaeda's hair is curly and boyish - she looks like Devon from Y&R. The judges give crackhead Caridee some advice and she says "I smell what you're stepping in". Ok? Twiggy looks bewildered by her, as if they don't have blonde glue-sniffers in Jolly Ole' England. Tyra says that you have to respect the designer's clothes, as we see footage of her from 30 lbs. ago. The cute designer agrees, but it's hard to listen to a man telling you to respect clothes when he's wearing a pink blazer.

Monique is really sick, and Tyra says it's the real world and sick don't cut it. This is the real world? Judges judge amongst themselves. Caridee is correctly diagnosed as cuckoo and Nigel says its ok, they like cuckoo. When what he meant to say was he likes anything that has ever menstruated. The judges burst into song and dance to mock Monique. It's really quite amusing. Tyra becomes slow-talking retard. I usually have to fast-forward through this part because this persona irritates me. Caridee screams OH JEEZ (Tim Gunn?) when she's called and thanks Tyra for believing in her. Tyra calls her Jade, and we get some quick flashbacks to the diva herself. Tyra is funny, and obviously hated Jade and I'm loath to say this but maybe she should write this column. Monique goes home. Later, ho. The princess has been dethroned, and she doesn't go to hug anyone, She even camera-horriblebitches that this whole thing was a waste of time. Well, at least she's not wishy-washy.

Next - Melrose doesn't like lesbian orgies in her shower, and Anchal's new forehead isn't helping her insecurities.

Guilty pleasures

2006-10-04T07:59:00.000-06:00

I've blogged about this before. My not-so-secret guiltiest pleasure is America's Next Top Model. I rearrange my schedule so I don't miss this show. I haven't done something like that since Friends.

The following commentary on A Socialite's Life, an entertainment blog I check regularly, (please remember that I am imprisoned at a desk for nine hours a day with nothing to do) is just as deliciously catty and guilty a pleasure as the show itself. From now on, I will make a weekly commentary post. But first, let's catch up shall we? [**side note: I realize the banner is old; this is season 7. I just use what they give me**] Also, there is at least one reference to the Flavor of Love show, on which this person also pens (types, rather?) a hilarious commentary.

America's Next Top Mildly Attractive Woman

It seems like only yesterday we were celebrating Snow Black's victory over that hot drunk Joanie. We've grown so much since then. We're bigger, faster, stronger. And somewhere Jade is telling fortunes on the boardwalk. It's time for a new crop of headcases, balding supermodels who give conflicting advice, orange homosexuals, and pre-op transsexuals. Join me, won't you?

We get the obligatory introduction to the world of Ty Ty. She decided she wanted to "give back" by gifting us with the next generation of cell phone throwers. Our cast of characters includes Ty Ty (who I suspect has gone completely bald), Ms. Jay (yay!), Mr. Jay (boo!), Twiggy (yawn....wot?), and potential date rapist Nigel Barker (ugh).

Bitches fly into L.A .from all over the land to compete. We meet some of them. Jaeda is 18 (*snicker*) and supports my theory that quite a few transsexuals have gotten past the judges in recent years. Seriously, I'm totally cool with it myself, but Jaeda is a guy. More power to him. I'm sure he will open doors for gender reassigned people everywhere. They too can be humiliated on a shitty network that no one watches, Evita has two kids who have the flu and their Dad's fighting over in Iraq. So I guess we all know who's up for Mother of the Year. Is this like when that couple took off to Cancun and had their six year old watch their infant? True story. Ms. Jay Alexander meets them at the airport and he looks a little fresher this cycle. He's all stewardess. We meet future troublemaker/borderline personality Monique, who looks a little....beat.

And that's when it occurs to me. ALL of these women look a little beat. Seriously, they're not....I don't know. I know beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes but this is a MODELING competition and leprosy is evident. There's not a lot of call for leper models is there? I'm just not feeling enthralled like I have been in the past. It's like America's Next Top Model has gone straight to DVD. Anyway, the girls are sent by Ms. Jay straight to a photo shoot at the airport. AJ, who is one of the few who could actually be called attractive, has no professional modeling experience and kind of a messy bouffant going on. There's a lot of Maxim here, but they only reach the level of Stuff - like Melrose, 23. Caridee is crazy and wide-eyed, and looks like she would laugh at your joke and then keep laughing after everyone has stopped and wipe tears from her eyes and make everyone else uncomfortable. The biggest controversy so far this cycle for me is Anchal. She's a Hindu skeleton on television. I don't see the attractiveness. At all. I hope they prove me wrong because Tyra keeps telling her nicely how beautiful she is and all I want to do is get her some ointment for the lesions and feed her.

The girls chill at the Bel Age, and we meet stunt-casted identical twins Amanda and Michelle, 18. One is prim and proper and one is all tomboy. Tyra loves the Parent Trap. And was probably all - "this is genius!" I say it's a waste of a spot some other twig could have had. During outdoor breakfast the next morning, the girls are set upon by my favorite two identical old gays - the Aswirls! Swirl! Twirl! They look like gigantic vampire bats! They're delightful and warm my cold, cold heart. They start making all the girls twirl. Hopefully no one finds it challenging because of their "heith" and yes, that's how they pronounce "height". Delightful.

And head bitch in charge Tyra comes out in gloves, and everytime I see her she looks like she's trying for some kind of revamped Glinda the Good Witch of Oz musical bullshit. With gloves, and sequins and odd voluminous dresses. And this year, they've actually airbrushed or CGI-ed her HAIRLINE. Yeah, something funky is going on up there. Her hairline appears to be misty or murky. The CW network is trying to trick us into thinking that this is all normal, but people's hairlines shouldn't be BLURRY. Something is afoot here. And she spouts the usual condescending Oprah-lite bullshit, She saw their tapes, and can't believe she's finally meeting them, yadda yadda yadda. If this bitch saw ONE of their tapes, I'm straight.

The models do their usual one-on-ones with the terrible trio. Bald, Trannie and Orange. Tyra wants them to be themselves, which is bullshit. She wants them to admit if they're nervous. Christian, 19, is sad that Tyra has retired but is ready to take over because she knows all of Tyra's incredibly intricate poses.Caridee is the blinking maniac and comes in wearing a garter which Ms. Jay takes off with his teeth. She talks about how the only famous person that ever came from her town was Paul Bunyan, and correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't he fictional? Didn't he have blue oxen or something? Does she think he was real? She's got a wet shag and she's crazy.

Anchal is our Indian skeleton and Tyra deduces she's wearing blue contacts. Anchal feels she isn't pretty and I'm going to keep quiet because I bet she's been through enough. Tyra chides her for that, and admits that she too is a slave because of the wig on her head. That's not a wig, that's a special effect. And so begins Tyra constantly telling this girl that she's a beautiful model and I am just not seeing it. Nice hair, though.

We get to know the twins in depth and Ms. Jay asks the tomboy one when she discovered her MACHULINE side and yes, he pronounces it like that. The uppity one asks him when he discovered his feminine side and he answers with "birth". Heh. They're so thin, and stumbling around in blue bikinis and my friend JB (who saved my ass by letting me watch this at his place when my DVR failed me) remarks that it's like watching Auschwitz. He's right, it's like the floorshow at Dachau.

Jaeda says she's the hot girl at school, and I assume she means Ms. Silky's Academy for Tall Trannies because she's a guy. Tyra tells her hot girl doesn't always mean model and neither does successful penis-tuckage.

Monique is excited to be here. She's been through so much because she's black and the darker skinned one in her family. Her siblings call her "Blacula", which...ouch. Tyra does that horrible condescending its ok thing, but reminds her that she's taking a chance that she could be hurt worse. At this juncture, I feel for her but then she transforms into the house wackjob so maybe she deserves to be hurt worse.

Eugena hated the last season of girls, and proceeds to cut up her competitors. She thinks she's likable, but Tyra doesn't think so. Eugena protests that she's mean in moderation.

Megan is cross-eyed and 22. She needs to start acting like an ass soon, because I can't go after her after hearing her story. When she was 9 , she was in a plane crash with her mother. And her mom died of hypothermia, trying to keep her warm. Egads. I will say she looks kinda like my glam rock hotness Mollie Sue from last season. But like the imitation. All the girls look like poor reproductions of previous contestants. It's like when I was a kid, and my Mom bought us what she told us were Transformers at the local Wal-mart except they were called Transformerz and the robots didn't actually transform as much as wear a paper tube with an F-16 painted on it.

Evita's the Mom of the Year with the two sick kids and the husband in Iraq. She also has a 5 o'clock shadow. We find out Eugena is mad at Evita for not being with her kids. Evita tells them all that she must really want this as she is missing the first time her kids eat by themselves or something to be here. Which, I don't think is helping her cause really as it makes her look selfish. Then again, there was a girl last year who left her parents to die in Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans to be on the show so Evita isn't that bad.

AJ is the one who I think could have a shot at this. She's actually very modelesque. We find out that she had cervical cancer and someone tell Tyra to cut the shit with the heartstrings tugging. I had cancer, too and yet chemo didn't make me look like that. Fuck that, I'm going to sue a bitch down at the Dana-Farber.

Cyndel works at Jezebel's, and is an "entertainer" - not a stripper. She looks like Gollum and she slurs that there's not really a big difference between modeling and stripping. As you can imagine, Ty Ty LOVED that riff. She gets a little defensive with "Cyndel" which is a total stripper name. Cyndel is the name of a girl who can pick up dollar bills with her triangular mystery.

Jaslene (real name) is a fiery Latina male revolutionary who cracks up Ty Ty and crew by showing them her "catalog" pose. Melrose's actual name is Melissa Rose but she dropped the "issa" because it's too much and she didn't have time for it. From now on, please call me "Jarvey". And then punch me in the mouth. Anyway, that's a sampling of the hopefuls.

The next day, Mr. and Ms. Jay reveal who the first round of the chosen are. Mr. Jay is wearing this weird goddess Isis from Egypt hooker shirt. He's sorta revolting. He mentions how he always gets trampled by the girls during this part. Caridee blinks and looks all fucked up on Dexedrine or something.

Cyndel the stripper Gollum didn't make it. She's going to keep "loving myself" and she's"no sore loser". She's obviously already on her way back to the whorepole beause she's decked out in a red tube top with a wet look hairdo. A girl has got to get paid.

The first photoshoot is designed to weed out the people with morals or any conservative wackjobs because it's nude. Becky, 21, mentions she might not have a home to go to if she does this? Dude, it's not going to appear in "Barely Legal" it's for a network TV SHOW. Everyone watching at home wonders how Jaeda is going to hide her member. People give Becky and Ginger shit for being reluctant. Ginger only takes two snaps, and Jaslene is all bitchy about it. Jaslene immediately slides her way into nude spread eagled formation during her shoot and looks awfully relaxed at being nekkid in front of a camera.

The Terrible Trio judge the pics. Carideen posed with her hair in her face which kinda defeats the purpose. Ms. Jay thinks Jaeda looks a bit "special" and uses a Herman Munster voice. I love him. There's a weird discussion about Tyra's hair and how her mom always wore her hair in a bun and enough, please.

Thirteen victims make it. Among those not picked is Evita, who better haul ass home before DYS gets wind of her sick children home alone. Stay tuned for part 2.

The final 13 meet with Ms. Jay for their first runway challenge. The girls get dressed by Elmer Ave., who are designers who previously guest-starred on Janice Dickinson's show, which means someone slept with someone to get from Oxygen to CW. The models have to wear rock-n-roll type clothes and work it. Melrose acts like it's a strip-off so she wins it. The girls ride to their new house in a limo all Tyra-decorated. The theme of this year seems to be preceding an inevitable Tyra magazine launch. Because everything is about this fictitious Tyra magazine. It's really corny.

Monique takes Eugena's bed by simulating having pissed on it. I see your true colors, shining through. So much for that sob "Blacula" story. Melrose is trying to be the mom of the house, and sets rules as she's making dinner and I would take that Tyra limo over to the drive through if faced with that bullshit. Just because you grated some cheese doesn't mean you gave birth to me. The house gets dirty really quickly, and Anchal left a ring of leprosy around the tub drain. Yeesh. They have a house meeting, and Monique reveals that she will take a long shower if she feels like it because she's Monique. Which I guess is as good of an excuse as any. I always lie and say I fall asleep in the shower when questioned. She then tries to pass it off as some kind of OCD, but "rude bitch" isn't a recognized OCD symptom as far as I know. But I'm a layman.

Tyra mail! In magazine form. Ugh. It's something about drunken anorexic bitches, and several of the anorexic girls protest that they're not anorexic which they clearly are. Photo shoot. It's all about representing stereotypes about models. Tyra comes out crazy, doing this incredibly retarded act as a crazy diva. Seriously, this season is corny. Tyra is obviously gunning for a shot on another sit-com but I doubt she's getting off the CW anytime soon. Each of the girls is assigned a stereotype to portray.

Melrose won the Elmer Ave. challenge so she gets a personal assistant, Lindsay, for the day. Lindsay is a babydyke who obviously hates her. Monique portrays a crazy model that throws cell phones at her assistant. So one of the writers seems to be awfully intuitive. Caridee gets the dumb blond role, which enough said the better. Some of the photographs taken are really on the tasteful side as the girls try to remain glamorous as they portray drug overdose and bulimia. That's sweet. Mr. Orangina thinks that model hopeful Christian is merely a "broken-down Tyra Banks" when all this time I thought that Tyra Banks was the broken-down Tyra Banks.

Eugena portrays a black girl trying to be white and says that white girls smack their gum. I'm leading a protest march for white girls for THAT comment. Jaeda has to "act like" a plastic surgery victim, which is WAY too close for everyone's comfort to the real situation.

Melrose dictates her makeup and the makeup artist hates her. She gives attitude to Mr. Jay, and is told to just jump in bed, which I'm sure she's heard before. Her shoot sucks and she's "disappointed in me" She runs off and cries from behind a locked door. I suspect she's actually crying INTO her body mike to insure we hear it. I hate her. Later - she wears a pink beret that should get her a beating. The sooner the better.

Elimination. The models come before the judges. Tyra is doing that wide-eyed, talking slow deal which makes me want to batter my television with a hockey stick. CW is obviously lacking for fundage as one of the prizes this year has the lucky winner posing for Seventeen magazine, which is sad. Perverted Nigel Barker is in the hizzy, and drooling pre-cum as usual. Eww. Girls come before judges. Tyra does a lot of ordering the girls to pull hair back. Monique is all smiles and I'm scared of her but I'm still leading that protest march.

AJ is suddenly all unconfident and crying. Uh, what happened? Was she just drunk or high before and has come down? Caridee is lauded for giving so many types of dumb, which is kinda the point of modeling. Dumb is just a part of modeling, not stripping. Tyra acts out Caridee portraying dumb and I hate when Tyra acts. Tyra keeps saying Anchal is the prettiest, and I feel like I'm losing my mind or maybe I have some cataracts. Tyra lambastes Jaeda for looking like a mom with her hair in her face and a blazer on when all she was trying to do was hide her man.

Nigel feels having a competitive edge could destroy you. What? Shut up, Nigel. Tyra discusses how some people of color don't feel beautiful because of their skin tone and whitest woman in the world Twiggy nods knowingly. Melrose's behavior is discussed and Tyra advises that if you're a bitch, hide it. Ms. Jay gives her the side-eye as if to indicate that he will not be hiding his bitch, thank you.

Final judging. Tyra talks slow as if the girls are retarded. Maybe she's onto something. Monique fake laughs at everything Tyra says. Seriously, she's alarming. I wouldn't fall asleep around her. She'll be wearing your scalp like a wig the next morning.

It's down to Melrose and broke-down Tyra Banks Christian. Melrose looks terrified as if a trap door will open under her or someone will shoot her if she's axed. Christian is booted and yet, Melrose is the one who needs comforting as she collapses in the fetal position on the floor. Get up, bitch! It seriously takes like five minutes for anyone to acknowledge the chick that lost because of this performance. I think I hate Melrose and her dramatics. Seriously, that pink beret is getting set on fire if I have anything to do with it.

Next - Makeovers! Jaeda proves that men can cry, too! Anchal hangs up the phone on Monique and I'm terrified of the repercussions. Bitch is nuts.

A Princess of the Throne

Previously - Monique sucks, Melrose is showy, and Christian got canned.

Michelle and Megan bond and practice their runway walk. Melrose is in the kitchen, thinking about Christian but only thinking about her when the camera is on her I'm sure because if you don't have time for the "issa" part of your name then how in the hell should we believe you have time to mourn for the first loser bitch to get kicked off? Meanwhile, Eugena and Monique have apparently gotten over the incident where Monique faked peeing on Eugena's bed to acquire it and are sitting in the hot tub cutting Melrose up. Monique's a douche, and not even an entertaining one. At least previous douches (Jade, Jade, and uh, Jade) were kinda interesting in their douche-ness.

TyraMail! Still flogging that sad magazine theme. We're all stocked up on Oprah already, honey - start a line of muffler shops or something. The TyraMail is something idiotic about orange juice and you know how I feel about Mr. Jay. Ugh. The next morning, girls trying to wake up on time and look good have set alarms. And Monique isn't having this because she's trying to get her beauty sleep. And she's yelling in the confessional, and god I really think she's the worst thing since AIDS. I wish Snow Black was here. Snow Black wouldn't be having this.

The girls meet the Jays for breakfast, and if Mr. Jay doesn't look like he came from one of Florida's finest groves. Ugh. And he's got this horrific pink/purple polo and baseball hat ensemble and I could not eat with that staring at me. I'd rather look at Anchal or maybe myself in the morning after a bender. *shiver* They thought this was the makeover show, and they're right but they need to be psychologically tortured first.

Mr. Jay starts a conversation about how he thinks the models need to draw from their own experiences to "reach a place of vulnerability". And of course, Megan's mom dying in the plane crash is brought up and this is not the last time we're going to hear of this. Cause who doesn't want to give their life for their nine-year-old daughter only to have it used as a story point on a trashy reality TV show? On the new CW? Ugh. Ms. Jay looks like he just wants to finish his farmer's omlette and get the hell out of there. As we get camera shots of the orphaned girl (Megan) and the cancer survivor (AJ), we get some contrast via perky Brooke who is merely sipping her OJ and acting as if she's ever experienced a tragedy in her life beyond CVS being out of the kind of tampons she likes. Oh, and note Jaeda mentions how she likes her hair long. Not the brightest trannie in the world.

Tyra pulls this weird stunt where she won't let the girls into the house at first, and she's getting increasingly more eccentric in conjunction with her hips getting wider. And she's still working with this weird 40's glamour hairdo and I don't get it. Anyway, in the living room - a big salon is set up. And we have the makeover show!

Girls get their makeover assignments, and I miss a lot of them because of Mr. Jay's ugly-ass pink baseball cap. Take it off! TAKE IT OFF! Stop! Fall back! Some of the assignments seem kinda dumb though. Fer instance, Megan's getting a pixie cut when she already has one so she's going to look like Squeaky Fromme during the Manson trial. Google that. Not pretty. And Anchal is getting...her same hair? Though she is getting her hairline moved back? That sounds like it would require skin grafts. I would leave. It's not worth it. That sounds like some kind of freak accident that happens when you get your hair caught in a carnival ride. Tyra tells her she's going to a "Tyra Banks five-head, girl". Frankly, as the owner of a "Tyra Banks five-head", I wouldn't recommend it. It's the bane of my existence really. People keep putting up concert posters on it.

Tyra asks of Monique - "what do we do to this girl that already looks great?" Kill her? Though, Tyra says it in a sappy way which means they might totally f*ck with her. I hope. Monique wanted something different than the haircut and slight color Tyra proposes. I did too. I wanted a Cyndi Lauper bright red waffle iron look. Jaeda's screwed. Tyra brings up her boast of being hottest ho in high school, and tells her she's not pretty, she's "handsome". And she's obviously not as good as Hilary Swank at pulling off what she's trying to pull off. She's getting Halle Berry hair. Which on a man is well, a man's hair cut. Sorry, Jaeda.

She cries in the kitchen. Big man tears. Some of the changes are hot. Anchal actually looks slightly more human with a bigger forehead. Others don't. They messed with the twins Fiona Apple-ness and I miss it. I love how Orangina starts cutting large chunks of hair off Jaeda's head and suddenly we're in V for Vendetta as she's sobbing. People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, they should be afraid of a bitter orange twink queen in a pink baseball cap with scissors. Later on, one of the flunkies is like "at least she calmed down" and he's like "whatever". He's a Mean Girl. Jaeda really only looks slightly more mannish, but she does feel like she misses the "girlish thing" she had going on. And that was NOT what she had going on. What she had going on is tucked somewhere and that's all I'm going to say.

They tried to make Caridee less "actressy" and actually made her more "car show". Monique causes a scene because (as a hotsy burly bear of a hairdresser tells Orangeman) "nobody's ever seen her without her weave". Mean Girl doesn't care. Monique sobs in a dressing room, and Anchal looks in with some pizza like there might be something interesting going on and then exits quickly. The Jays go up to see what her damage is. She feels alarms are going off because she's without her weave. Orange Mean Girl rolls his eyes and reminds her she's getting a fresh one. Which is probably a good thing, because any girl who will simulate pissing on someone's bed probably doesn't have a fresh weave.

Orange Mean Girl chews out all the girls for being disrespectful towards the beautiful changes they are undergoing. Anchal is eating again. Judging by her weight, I'm going to hazard a guess that she's not actually letting anything digest if you know what I mean. Mean Girl actually storms out and the girls he directed his diatribe towards (Jaeda and Monique) look ashamed and AJ is grinning and laughing and don't think cancer survivors can't express glee over other's misfortune.

Megan telephones her girlfriend (the one she's going to dump for Michelle) about the makeover drama. Caridee reads the next Tyra mail and let's just say she shouldn't take a job as a public speaker. She sounds a little Flowers for Algernon. The next day is all about makeup. And there's this weird challenge involving elevators and if they miss them, they're boned. Megg missed the doors. There are women in underwear running out of elevators. It's hot. Monique misses the elevator, and someone comments that they're all getting beat up tonight for sure. Don't take any shit off her, she cried because she had her weave out!

The girls arrive to meet with a Cover Girl executive and it's Queen Latifah and she looks hot. She introduces her girlfriend....err, makeup artist Roxana. One of the twins chose this sparkly black dress that makes her look like Carrot Top in drag. Seriously, they gave her some sucky hair. Caridee put a do-rag on her head and is ready for the beach. She's wacky.

Latifah is fairly sweet to the girls, and chooses Eugena as the winner. Mainly because she put on more makeup than the other victims. Eugena chooses Caridee and Jaeda as her co-winners. Monique takes her ass home still in her evening dress and gets on the phone. For hours. Other girls need to use that phone. Can you sense what's coming? Monique's in a snit because she didn't get to meet Latifah. Things get tense as people flash her trying to get off the phone. She's not Megan. Oh, and her moms is a holy roller and tells Monique that they shouldn't mess with her because she's a "child of God" and a "princess of the throne". It's all coming clear to me now. Holy roller parents who are convinced that spoiling their child is god's work are never good.

Anchal rolls up and this is suddenly a Bollywood horror movie. Monique and Anchal take it to a Flavor of Love place, and I realize that Anchal might have channeled all those people telling her that she was ugly into the moxie to seriously f*ck someone up. Monique stays on the phone with a dial tone in her ear for another hour and then finally exits to mock everyone like the douche that she is. Unfortunately, everyone realized that she's a douche and left so she's mocking no one. I hate Monique.

Tyra mail. It's all about wigs, so hopefully the princess of the throne has to take her weave out again. Eugena and her two co-winners get shot first and Eugena doesn't care if the other girls are jealous. Let's not emulate Monique. Today's challenge has to do with hair. You know those hair shows where the models have these crazy wigs with moving parts? Seriously. I used to work with a girl who was a hair model, and she once showed me a photo of her holding a trophy with a giant owl plastered on her head and wearing a dress made of hair. And she and the hairstylist were the winners. True story. It was hot. Anyway, the girls are going to get made up like that and they have to wear the hair - the hair cannot wear them. I think Jaeda is just happy she's getting some hair back for a brief moment. She looks bare. She looks boot camp, actually.

Why is Orange Jay wearing Prince's outfit from the "Kiss" video? I'm waiting for him to walk to the side and Wendy or Lisa will be sitting on a stool strumming a guitar and wishing he would put the Revolution back together. We meet the weavologists (that's their actual job description) who will be assisting the ladies. Mr. Little has his cell headset stuck in his ear, and are weaves that important that you need to be on call 24-7? That's just desperate for attention. His cohorts are Lisa B. and "Weavin' Steven", a white man who announces his name while rocking the whole clichéd African-American female attitude neck snap. Some time ago, I read a post online by a fellow homosexual who wrote an open letter to all gay men informing them that they are not strong black women no matter how strongly they wish for it. I myself have trouble remembering that. My boyfriend thinks I want to be a sista so bad. Anyway, settle down Weavin' Steven.

Monique gets a revolving trophy on her head and did they HAVE to encourage her? Michelle gets an off camera wink from Megan, and Megan's girlfriend back home better pack her things because there's a stringbean moving in and probably bringing her twin sister to live in the in-law apartment. Megan's shoot isn't going well, and Michelle is pacing off camera and it's not like they're going to be turned down for a loan to start their lesbian commune or something. Simmer down, Michelle. I love how the editors are totally trying to make us think they're already onto the dental dam. I've also noticed that these wigs are the height of frivolity, so the models trying to look sexy in them look like dorks.

The photographer doesn't love Eugena's attitude. Eugena is a handmaiden of the throne, I'm thinking. I love how Melrose's idea of modeling edges right up to pole dancing. And Tyra hates that. Melrose gets kudos from Orangina, and Monique and her trophy fume. Jaeda's got some SERIOUS implants and Jay obviously hasn't forgiven her for crying while he cut off her hair so he makes her shoot a little hellish. Hell is having an orange queen yell at you while a tiny green helicopter made of hair is whirling on your head.

Back at the house, everyone hates Monique. I would feel sorry for her but can't. It's the douche rule, you see. I guess she flicks some pool water on Melrose, and Melrose starts acting out and up and over and running away and washing her face and shut up, Melrose.

Judging. Ms. Jay has this schoolgirl wig on with a green headband and matching sweater and I wish he were my Mom. Twiggy looks like someone left her coffin open and she got out. And we learn that the photographer for this challenge was the one who took the famous Snow Black photo! Yeah! Danielle! Sorry, I mean Dani! Bring her back!

Nigel Barker feels that Melrose's makeover has "opened her up". I bet. Nigel is so greasy. Tyra takes another opportunity to tell Jaeda that she's no longer the prettiest girl in school. I think Tyra is having some sort of flashback to high school crisis. Jaeda protests that she's just getting used to her hair, and Tyra dismisses her abruptly and Jaeda looks crestfallen. And like a man. Sorry. Caridee shows up with her hair wet and Nigel is unhappy about that because he wanted to wash her hair. I love how Caridee is always as wide-eyed as possible and trying to look like she's absorbing all the information she can when really it's just the coke.

Brooke is just so perky and fun, and describes herself as a newly "luscious brunette". AJ's nose got big in her pic. She smiles when dismissed, but part of her looks like "I didn't survive cancer to endure this bullshit". Judges judge amongst themselves. Nigel feels that Caridee looks "quite drag" in her picture and Ms. Jay and Tyra feel that isn't a bad thing. Ms. Jay looks like he wants to slap that bitch. He should. Slap the perv right out of him!

Tyra goes into her slow-talking, wide-eyed end of show bullshit. God, I hate this part. It comes down to Megan and Jaeda. I think Tyra hates dykes and trannies. Megan is going home and why don't we see Michelle crying and screaming? Oh wait. We do see Michelle with tears! And Amanda! Was it a twin threesome? And I guess a horrific plane crash story only takes a model so far...

Next - Ms. Jay takes herself to the high wire and Melrose and Monique take it past Flavor of Love and potentially onto Jerry Springer.

Conundrum

2006-10-02T08:07:00.000-06:00

What does one get someone for a bachelorette party? Particularly, someone who I don't know all that well, and at a party where I won't know hardly anyone else. What are the boundaries in this situation?? If it was a friend I've known for years, this would be easy. Hmm, I just don't know what I should get. There is a Priscilla's right down the street from me. The invitation specifically says to shower the bachelorette with "dirty gifts." hmm

September and October are busy months! This month, both of my parents have birthdays so I am going to make a trip to Wichita sometime. Then I have that bachelorette party to go to the 14th... and the wedding is the next weekend. And then we polish the month off with Halloween. This month is going to fly, that's all I know.

Mine!

2006-09-29T08:10:00.000-06:00

*courtesy of Cute Overload

Dog: "Oh, my little Snuggledums, I will lof you forevar! You'll always be..."

Dog: "MY CHICK!!!!"
Chick: "GAAAK!"

Of candles and credit reports...

2006-09-27T11:10:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had an acute case of post-birthday blahs. For some reason, I decided that instead of a birthday cake, I wanted to get four little cakes and then everyone could get what they wanted, and they would be dainty and I could have champagne with them. I thought that would be classy.

**Note to self: DO NOT stray from tradition.

As it turns out, that's not what I really wanted. So yesterday I was lamenting the lack of a real birthday cake. Brett sprung into action to make me happy. Awwwww... So we went to Hen House for cake mix so he could bake me a real cake. As you all well know, this requires birthday candles. This is the moment where my new age really hit me and made me feel old: we had to get two boxes of candles. One box contains only 24 candles....just one shy of what we required. I remember when one box would last me several birthdays. Now I need two?! Holy cow...

This little fact did not go unnoticed by the cashier even.

Huh.

Well anyway, we went back home and Brett made me a scrumptious birthday cake. That was the sweetest thing ever. I was really touched.

One gift I received over the weekend was a book from my mom entitled, The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke by Suze Orman, money guru extraordinaire. I finally cracked it open today and was shocked at how well this lady knows her stuff! I haven't made it past page 27 and already I am lauding its informative and truly helpful qualities.

This prompted me to check out my credit report (God I'm old...) because I never had and was curious about it. All are, thankfully, sterling. Although I found a few credit cards on there that I thought I'd cancelled. Apparently not. Good to know, though. Not only that, but a credit card was listed that I have never had before in my life. What the heck? I mean at least it's reporting that I pay my phantom bill on time but that's still a bit odd.

In work news, I was informed of something the other day that really lit a fire under my ass to start looking for a new job. Apparently, a couple guys in the office were told on Monday that their positions no longer exist, but if they were so inclined, they could stay on and work for 100% commission (for new business). The guy I talked to said that he refused the offer and his last day is Friday. I assume the other guy will follow suit, seeing as he has two kids, and that would be hard as hell to support them on commission. And where does that leave the future of the company?? I'm not saying I know what I'm talking about but if they both leave, that leaves our staff at the two partners, me and Phil...a graphic designer. And what are they going to do with just us??? So because of this turn of events, not to mention the fact that I am perpetually bored out of my mind because I get no work AND because it's been well over a year and I haven't even gotten a cost-of-living raise which I so desperately need, I started looking for new jobs immediately. I've sent off a couple of resumes so far and intend to keep looking. Fervently.

Wish me luck. It took me a year to find this job last time around...

Birthday

2006-09-26T10:39:00.000-06:00

I'm 25 as of 8:43 a.m. yesterday. The weekend was a flurry of celebration. My parents came up and we went out to dinner twice. Friday night, we went to Bristol. I had never been there before, and it was wonderful! We all split a bottle of wine and indulged ourselves in: (me) Hawaiian sea bass, (Brett) diver scallops, (mom)king crab legs and (dad) salmon. Then I partook of their scrumptious creme brulee.

Saturday, Brett and I spent the better part of the day wandering around the Renaissance Festival. That evening, the four of us, as well as my grandma, met up with Brett's mum for dinner at Garozzo's. I finally got to fulfill my craving for the stuffed artichoke appetizer and a cafe Garozzo. mmm

Brett and I rarely go out to eat, so this weekend was a treat. And then he took me out for dinner once again at Outback last night! So that was fun. :) But now the birthday is over and I'm kind of sad about that.

Today, I've been curing the ever-present boredom with classic TV Land clips. This one from I Love Lucy was particularly hilarious: Vitameatavegamin

Yarrrrrr

2006-09-19T09:08:00.000-06:00

Today is national Talk Like A Pirate Day! Savvy? So don an eyepatch and shiver somebody's timbers.

We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me.

We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
Maraud and embezzle and even hijack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me.
Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me.

We kindle and char, inflame and ignite.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me.

We're rascals, scoundrels, villains and knaves.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me.

We're beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads!
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

Ahhh that reminds me of riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World. I did not like that ride. It was too loud. Too many cannons. And I think it might have scared me a bit, too. :) Those '80s quality animatronics were damn lifelike to a 5-year-old.

I think I'll kick up my boots tonight and have a spot of rum. ;) Aye....

Quote of the Day

2006-09-13T09:15:00.000-06:00

Marketing motto: If live gives you lemons, lie.
--Dave Barry

Where were you?

2006-09-12T07:52:00.000-06:00

I was getting out of a history class at WSU, walking through the student center when I realized that it was too quiet. The silence caused me to look around to see every single person staring up at various TV screens and thick, black smoke billowing around one of the twin towers. I had no idea what it was. At the time, I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was. My first assumption was that it was a building in a far-off land. Then they showed the Pentagon, billowing with smoke as well. That's when I first realized that something terrible had happened here.

But I knew I had to make it to class anyway, so off I went, confused. The lit instructor told us that class was cancelled and we could go home if we wanted, or we could stay and watch what was happening in New York and D.C. I chose to stay. This seemed incredibly important and I wanted to know what was going on. Surely there couldn't have been a terrorist attack here...like everyone was talking about. That stuff doesn't happen here.

I sat there, listening to reporters just as baffled as I was. Then I saw a plane hit the second tower. Shortly after, I, along with many of my classmates, watched the towers - steel towers - crumble to the ground and people running for their lives on the streets below.

None of this had really sunk in yet. I was overcome by shock. I left, and as I walked to my car I called my mom to tell her what I'd just seen. She didn't believe me at first. It wasn't until I got home, had watched more coverage to get more information, and then gotten online later that day. Already there were stories. The loved ones of the passengers on the planes relating the last phone calls of sons, daughters, mothers, brothers, calling to say goodbye. That's when I broke down.

All of this - the memories, the emotions - came crashing back last night. I reflected on that day five years ago yesterday for a little bit. But I tried to push it away and focus on the good things in life now. I went to the gym after work, where every TV was turned to 9/11 coverage. I have my arm radio programmed to a couple of these stations so I listened to it for a while. They played the footage of five years ago, as it happened. And all of a sudden, it was five years ago, and I was sitting in that classroom watching it happen all over again. I had blocked out the sound, in my mind. I had forgotten the cries of terror, the people in the background saying, "I don't want to die, I don't want to die," I had forgotten that they showed someone leaping from one of the towers. I had forgotten the images of the people on the streets, watching it. It was too much. I nearly started crying right there in the gym. I had to fight back the tears. I decided it was a good time to switch my radio to some music. Once I was safe in my car, then I let it out.

Remember hearing about how WWII veterans who saw the first part of Saving Private Ryan had terrible reactions to it? How it vividly brought everything back to them? I thought I was ready to see United 93, or World Trade Center... but it's too soon. I have a feeling I would react in much the same way. It's too soon.

If you get the chance to pick up a book, I suggest "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safron Foer. September 11th is a significant, underlying theme and very articulately laced in. Foer candidly writes about some aspects in a way I had never pictured it. It's worth checking out. It's a way to think about that terrible day in a less harsh way.

Remembering

2006-09-11T11:12:00.000-06:00

Reduced me to tears.

Published: Thursday, September 13, 2001

JUST FOR BEING AMERICANS . . .

By DAVE BARRY, Herald Columnist

No humor column today. I don't want to write it, and you don't want to read
it.

No words of wisdom, either. I wish I were wise enough to say something that
would help make sense of this horror, something that would help ease the
unimaginable pain of the victims' loved ones, but I'm not that wise. I'm
barely capable of thinking. Like many others, I've spent the hours since
Tuesday morning staring at the television screen, sometimes crying,
sometimes furious, but mostly just stunned.

What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that they used our own planes. I
grew up in the Cold War, when we always pictured the threat as coming in the
form of missiles - sleek, efficient death machines, unmanned, hurtling over
the North Pole from far away. But what came, instead, were our own
commercial airliners, big friendly flying buses coming from Newark and
Boston with innocent people on board. Red, white and blue planes, with
``United'' and ``American'' written on the side. The planes you've flown in
and I've flown in. That's what they used to attack us. They were able to do
it in part because our airport security is pathetic. But mainly they were
able to do it because we are an open and trusting society that simply is not
set up to cope with evil men, right here among us, who want to kill as many
Americans as they can.

That's what's so hard to comprehend: They want us to die just for being
Americans. They don't care which Americans die: military Americans, civilian
Americans, young Americans, old Americans. Baby Americans. They don't care.
To them, we're all mortal enemies. The truth is that most Americans, until
Tuesday, were only dimly aware of their existence, and posed no threat to
them. But that doesn't matter to them; all that matters is that we're
Americans. And so they used our own planes to kill us.

And then their supporters celebrated in the streets.

I'm not naive about my country. My country is definitely not always right;
my country has at times been terribly wrong. But I know this about
Americans: We don't set out to kill innocent people. We don't cheer when
innocent people die.

A DECENT PEOPLE

The people who did this to us are monsters; the people who cheered them have
hate-sickened minds. One reason they can cheer is that they know we would
never do to them what their heroes did to us, even though we could, a
thousand times worse. They know that when we hunt down the monsters, we will
try hard not to harm the innocent. Those are the handcuffs we willingly
wear, because for all our flaws, we are a decent people.

And now we are a traumatized people. The TV commentators keep saying that
the attacks have awakened a ``sleeping giant.'' And I guess we do look like
a giant, to the rest of the world. But when I look around, I don't see a
giant: I see millions of individuals - the resilient and caring citizens of
New York and Washington; the incredibly brave firefighters, police officers
and rescue workers risking their lives in the dust and flames; the
politicians standing on the steps of the Capitol and singing an off-key
rendition of God Bless America that, corny as it was, had me weeping; the
reporters and photographers who have not slept, and will not sleep, as long
as there is news to report; the people in my community, and communities
across America, lining up to give blood, wishing they could do more.

A GOOD COUNTRY

No, I don't see a giant. What I see is Americans. We may have the power of a
giant, but we also have the heart of a good and generous people, and we will
get through this. We will grieve for our dead, and tend to our wounded, and
repair the damage, and tighten our security, and put our planes back in the
air. Eventually most of us, the ones lucky enough not to have lost somebody,
will resume our lives. Some day, our country will track down the rest of the
monsters behind this, and make them pay, and I suppose that will make most
of us feel a little better. But revenge and hatred won't be why we'll go on.
We'll go on because we know this is a good country, a country worth keeping.

Those who would destroy it only make us see more clearly how precious it is.

© 2001

That's...smart.

2006-08-30T07:50:00.000-06:00

The Smart Car is coming to the States in 2008.

How cute are they??

I want one.

Something fun for Friday.

2006-08-17T13:47:00.000-06:00

Ha ha! I stumped it!! Go me! Hmm... Maybe that means I watched too much television when I was younger...

Here's a game to make the day go by faster.

2006-08-17T13:46:00.000-06:00

It's a lazy afternoon. So here's a cat flushing a toilet.

Feminism takes another leap

2006-08-10T08:31:00.000-06:00

Ladies, did you ever lament the fact that guys could pee whenever nature calls because they can do it standing up, yet we have so many limitations? Well not anymore! The product that took Europe by storm is now available online. The same Web site that brought you the Boyfriend Arm Pillow, your very own Home Colonoscopy Kit and the Horseback Workout (which looks like they're advertising somethin' else if you know what I mean; strictly for females!) now brings you.......the P-Mate.

Never again, ladies, will we have to hold onto a tree trunk on a severely sloping hill to avoid a mess, or get our derrieres anywhere near a filthy, disgusting Port-o-Potty seat. Oh no. This is the next logical step in total men-women equality: the ability to pee standing up!

As for me? I think I can hold it...

One way to beat the heat...

2006-08-09T08:05:00.000-06:00

Photos courtesy of Cute Overload.

Or you could do what one of my parents' dogs [Emma] chooses to do: sprawl out over a vent. Y'know, whatever works for you.

Overheard at the Beach

2006-08-03T10:41:00.000-06:00

Find the link off to the side. If this isn't your cup of tea, try also:

Overheard in the Office, or

Overheard in New York.

Two choice excerpts:

(Ugly?) Naked Guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked Chick: Why?
Naked Guy: No Republicans.

--heard on Robert Moses Beach, New York

Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?

--heard on Ocean Beach, San Diego

2006-07-31T15:55:00.000-06:00

Blindfolded Pianist: Mario Theme

Hmm, I'd say this guy is infinitely better at tickling the ivories than me.

I heart cheese

2006-07-20T12:17:00.000-06:00

Cheese cubes

Slices of cheese

Macaroni & cheese

Cream cheese

Gouda cheese

Cheddar cheese

Brie cheese

Mozzarella cheese

Goat cheese

Feta cheese

Bleu cheese

Even fake Cheetos cheese

And perhaps most of all, I love Boursin cheese.

But I do not think I would enjoy the Italian cheese Casu Marzu. Blech.

How f'ed are you by Bush?

2006-07-20T11:49:00.000-06:00

Take this nifty quiz and find out!

I. Cannot. Stand. This. Girl.

2006-07-20T08:28:00.000-06:00

What is the matter with her? Well besides being a cracked-out whore with illusions of being the 21st century's Marilyn Monroe*. (Paris Hilton thinks of herself in a similar manner although she has the gall to also compare herself to Princess Diana, considering herself the "iconic blonde" of the times - anyway upon looking for a page to link, I found this...it could not have been more appropriate, or ironic)

I find it difficult to believe that she is so full of herself that she actually thinks she resembles Marilyn. That pose is all wrong. It is supposed to look like this, La Lohan:

Alas, and quite obviously, Marilyn you are not.

snort Lawyers...

2006-07-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Paying close attention to the sentence in the middle of the page (not hard to miss), click here.

Another good one. This whole paragraph rife with errors. (ha ha! See what I did there? I made funny joke. Ah! I did it again!)

How I Amuse Myself

2006-06-22T10:29:00.000-06:00

You all know about my job. It's boring. It's slow. There are rarely any assignments for me to do and when there are, it's either the dreaded Impossible Research, or proofreading...in which case I could probably write an inappropriate limerick all over the margins and no one would even notice because they practically never make my changes.

So I find ways to amuse myself. Usually this includes the aid of crossword puzzles and the Internet, but on a rare occasion my job will unexpectedly throw something funny at me. I am amused easily - to the point of ridiculous some might say. I mean, I can be on the phone with Brett and he'll just be talking and I think something comes out a slightly funny way and, if I am in just the right mood, I will start cracking up to where it goes into silent laughter mode, and then Brett is all, "WHY are you laughing?? I didn't even do anything!" and will get honestly annoyed.

But sometimes, sometimes, I giggle for good reason. Here are just a couple of examples from earlier today.

Exhibit A:
From everybody's favorite Engrish site:

Exhibit B:
My assignment today is to make up a list of utility companies so we can send them our brochure in hopes of attaining a few more clients. I was looking through the results on an online yellow pages site and this is what I saw:

A Quik Dump
Kansas City, MO 64151

Exhibit C:
Moving on after my brief laughing fit, I called this purported oil company.

Someone answers and I start my spiel, "Hi, my name is Brianne, I'm with PTK Communications, I'm making a..." but then I'm interrupted by, "I'm Stevie." A little kid answered the phone. Kids are so dang cute. It just caught me off guard so I go, "Ohhh-kay, I think I got a wrong number," and the little kid says, I'm assuming talking to a parent, "It's a wrong number." hehe

Exhibit D:
If the daily comics fail to satisfy my cartoon addiction, I turn to the Garfield vault.

*blogger was being so good, so cooperative...I think that first picture did it in, though.*

Exhibit E:
Dave Barry always has the best stuff on his blog. fyi: the link to his blog is just to the right of this entry.

The following text courtesy of Dave Barry:

"IF YOU SEE JUST ONE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO DESIGNED TO TEACH JAPANESE SPEAKERS, VIA AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS, WHAT TO SAY WHEN THEY ARE BEING ROBBED BY TWO ENGLISH-SPEAKING MEN, ONE OF WHOM IS WEARING HIS HEAD BANDANA BACKWARD

...make it this one."

He also gave me this laugh:

Exhibit F:

Flag-Stealing Baboons

Well I don't know about you, but I am all chuckled-out!

Silly Peacocks

2006-06-20T15:00:00.000-06:00

Across the pond, the peacocks are getting a wee bit amorous...

Peacock falls for a petrol pump

No More Weekend

2006-06-13T08:51:00.000-06:00

*My apologies. This is yesterday's post, however, Blogger was being a horrible site yesterday and wouldn't let me post this in its entirety. So here it is now!*

Not that I was thrilled to come to work this morning either. It was just a weekend of mishaps.

First of all, on Friday, there were only three of us in the office: me, Brent and Phil. So Brent told me that he and Phil really didn't have any work to do and if I wanted, I should call Deanna to see if we could cut out at around 1 p.m. Looking back, I should've just told him to do it himself. But anyway, I called her and she said she'd call me back. Well she called Rob.... and then I got a phone call from Rob who wanted to talk to all three of us on speakerphone basically to berate us. "There are always things to do!" Ummm well no really, there are things to do but they all require either direction or approval from Rob. To me, he said that there is unlimited work as far as putting together new business lists (so if we wanted to break into the banking industry, I'm supposed to make a list of all the local banks with the name of their marketing director). Ok - first of all, new business is Rob's job. I am totally fine with making the lists but I need some industries first. We're trying to break into health care but while some hospitals may have marketing directors, smaller ones don't and I don't want to be the idiot who calls with no idea of what information they're looking for. He just expects us to do everything on our own but he's so damn picky about everything... and he gives us all zero direction. Isn't he supposed to be the leader? So that sucked...

Friday evening Brett and I met up with his mom and her friend, and her friend's daughter, at Garozzo's before we went to Jazz in the Woods. It's this free show that's held in Corporate Woods every year, and it's pretty fantabulous. But we decided to have a stuffed artichoke and wine first.

mmmm...

After Garozzo's, we went to the Woods. Jazz in the Woods is a weekend-long event. Friday's headliner was Average White Band. They were pretty decent! Afterwards, we were packing the chairs up and getting ready to leave, Joni and I switched chairs and in the process, one of them fell on my big toe. I held back my cry of pain because I didn't think it was any big deal. But as Brett and I were walking away, I was thinking, [utter favorite expletive phrase in 3...2...1...] "Sweet fancy Moses on buttered toast, this still hurts!" So I bent down to check it and nearly passed out with nausea at what I saw. Apparently the chair had cracked the nail - there was this huge chunk almost entirely broken off. Let me make an illustration: *Stupid Blog people! There is an ongoing problem concerning picture posting. So it's their fault that you can't see my lovely drawing.*

Ouch.

That didn’t stop me from going to the pool with Brett and lounging all day on Saturday. Although when we got back to the apartment, Brett made a startling discovery – Gilbert was missing. Before we went to the pool, Brett got him out and put him in our Papasan Chair. He thought I had put him back in the cage, I thought he had put him back in the cage, so we went on our merry way to the pool. Gilbert took advantage of his brief freedom. It wasn’t difficult to find him, thank goodness. He had ventured into Neil’s room and took refuge under the bed. It took us awhile to lure him out. But we finally did with the magic of cantaloupe. Bun has always been partial to fruit.

Neil left this weekend. He’s gone for the summer. He has an internship in western Kansas somewhere. Then when he comes back in August, he’s moving to his new house. So we are alone. And it’s weird. Just that there’s not another person in the house. It’s just us. We are officially cohabitating!

Sunday, Jill and her boyfriend came over to chill at the pool with us. We got some beer and a jug of pre-made margaritas. As it turned out, I was the only one in the mood for margaritas. Once we were poolside, the drinks got cracked open. Those margaritas were dangerously refreshing. I had just a few too many… I ended up passing out on one of the chairs for about an hour… then I made my way back up the apartment and fell asleep again in our room…on the floor…laying on body pillow….still in my swimsuit. When I woke up (again – probably about an hour later) I was in shorts and a T-shirt. Brett said he put them on me. They were all down by the pool again grilling the burgers and hot dogs. So I trekked back down there.

When they had left, and it was just Brett and me, he settled in to play some Zelda and I washed the chlorine out of my hair. And that’s when a wave of homesickness came over me. I brushed it off and went back to the living room where Brett was playing this CD… Sondre Lerche. On this particular album, he just does covers of songs like Night and Day, You Knocked Me Off of My Feet, and others. It’s worth checking out. Anyway, for one reason or another it reminded me of being at home in Wichita with my mom on a Saturday night and her listening to Prairie Home Companion (the movie, she says, is excellent) and the kind of music they play on that program… even though it’s not really like the music they play on that program. Follow? Anyway and then the homesickness came back… so that wasn’t fun. So then I went to bed around 9:30… I was still just exhausted.

Ohhhh I had a rough night ahead of me.

Fast forward to midnight. I woke up feeling all kinds of awful. I ended up paying homage to the porcelain god twice… Ugh. No fun. And of course, then – despite whether or not you brush your teeth immediately after – you still wake up with the most horrible aftertaste.

Yum.

I got up at 5:50 a.m. Bunny had to be dropped off at the vet by 7 a.m. Poor thing was scared. He knew something unpleasant was going to happen. He was shaking the whole way. We were the first ones there this morning. One of the ladies there asked where they were supposed to put a rabbit. The other one answered, “Surgery, back with the cats.” Poor Gilbert had to be housed with four cats! Oh poor thing….

Before I left though, I was stopped by one of my downstairs neighbors. He was asking me if I wanted to give his older son (Alex, who is probably 6) piano lessons. I was a little bit caught off guard with the proposal. Sure, I could give him lessons. But I have no idea how to go about starting off a pure beginner. I know they don’t have a piano, and I’m not sure if they even have a keyboard. And that is essential – because two thirds of learning piano is practicing. And I’m sorry, but I don’t really want him traipsing up to my apartment every day to practice for half an hour. They would also need to buy him all the piano books. I’d lend him mine but: 1) they’re in Wichita, and 2) he really needs his own because mine are covered in scribbles from my own teachers. So I need to look into these factors…. Hell, what would I charge? These are nice people and since they might need to buy a keyboard and all this music, I don’t want to overcharge. It’s a conundrum…

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2006-06-07T10:56:00.000-06:00

I was taking some trash out to the dumpster yesterday evening and stopped to talk to Keila, who lives below us. She was outside supervising her two little boys. Anyway, we were talking for a while, and then Halle, another neighbor, joined us, and then Keila's husband Matt came out as well. Halle made a comment about the Jeep that was parked in the best spot right by the building and she says, "I hope she gets bird shit all over that Jeep of hers." Apparently, the woman who lives across the hall from us parks her Jeep there and then leaves town. Now that's just not right. That is downright selfish. A while back, there was this Escalade that would always park in the same spot that wasn't an actual spot. And she would park it at this huge angle and it made it difficult for people to get around. It really pissed me off because it's like - lady, just because you have an Escalade does not make you special. Why can't you walk 200 feet? It is no big deal. Everyone else has to do it now and again.

So I put my frustrations in an anonymous letter and put it under one of her windshield wipers. Ha HA! I was a bit more articulate in the letter. This was a while ago so forgive my poor memory of it, but I know I laid down the point that it was NOT a parking spot. I also said something along the lines of, "If there was an emergency requiring an ambulance, their response time would lag and they would have trouble getting through because of you," or something like that.

I thought that would be a good topic to bring up last night when Halle made her comment. I was just going to say, "Do you guys remember that Escalade that would always park askew right over there?" but all I got out was the Escalade (well actually I said Navigator because I had a massive brain fart and couldn't remember which SUV it was for the life of me) and Keila goes, "That was my mom!"

Hmm... oh....

Then she went on to say, "Someone put a note on her windshield and I was so happy!" She turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder and goes, "I knew it was you but I didn't want to say that to her."

Aaah! How did she know it was me?! I tried to be all sneaky about it!

Keila continues, "I'm so proud of you for doing that!! We're not mad, no my mom is crazy. She thinks she's entitled. She even parks in handicapped spots and she's not handicapped. Matt and I told her all the time not to park there but she wouldn't listen to us! We laughed our butts off over that letter."

Whew! At least they weren't mad. Quite surprisingly, they were...well, gracious. Odd. But I thought that was hilarious! And hey - I haven't seen anyone park there since.

That gave me a good laugh. And a good blush. I was a bit embarrassed for getting caught.

So our weirdo rabbit Gilbert has an appointment to get his little bunny balls chopped off. He is nuts, I swear [no pun intended]. He will jump back and forth in his cage, he'll stomp on the bottom of his cage using his hind legs [I think we should change his name to Thumper; it's so applicable it wouldn't even be cliche]. I thought he was finally litterbox trained, too but apparently he isn't. He used to just pull his litterbox away from his corner where he does all his bunny business, but now he knows how to dump the entire thing over - which makes a huge mess. Squirting him with a water bottle does NOT work. Oh, and he also chews on the plastic things on his litterbox that kind of hook it to the cage. They no longer are functional. So yeah, the balls need to go.

Monday, June 12 is the big day. It'll be $95 but I think it'll be worth it. Brett and I are going to split the cost. Then we'll finally have a mellow bun to play with.

I need to get pictures of him on here... he really is a cute bun. I'll work on that.

Jazzoo Fug

2006-06-05T12:18:00.000-06:00

Jazzoo. It's Kansas City's rockin'-est party. It's a benefit for the zoo and the majority of the attendees are stupidly wealthy. Every fancy restaurant in the area (and some outside of it) have booths lined up along the walkways. There is a smattering of beverage booths stocked with only the best alcohol, numerous mixers and soda. Live bands are scattered throughout the park. And it's all free. However, tickets will set you back anywhere from $150 apiece to $250.

Brett and I got to go.

It was pretty amazing. A guy in my office serves on the board and he had a couple of extra tickets. Extra tickets with a VIP parking pass. So naturally, I pounced on the opportunity. Somewhere between slipping a dress on and touching up the makeup, I had a shocking lapse of judgement. The shoes. I decided to wear my stilettos. Yes. That's right. My black stiletto pumps. They are damn cute and nothing goes better with that dress but - holy geez - my feet were killing me before we even got in. Right outside the entrance by the way, there was a real, live steel drum band playing! It was awesome. I mean I knew there'd be live music but they were so good, Brett and I thought it was coming out of speakers! But yeah, the shoes - I spent approximately half of the evening carrying the shoes because I thought I was going to die. Dirty feet don't bother me. You can always wash dirty feet. It's the blisters that span the balls of your feet that bother me. Later on in the evening, Brett got me a stiff drink to "ease the pain." It didn't work but the drink was good. Grey Goose on the rocks with a twist of lime.

Anyway, walking through the main building to get to the zoo now... we got handed a trio of flashy necklace things. At first I thought they were cheesy but they were pretty sweet when it got dark. One of them was a flashing martini glass from Houlihan's, another was a flashing star from the Kansas City Star, and another was a round flashing beer necklace. So yeah, then we got to the food. Pachamama's was there! That is the restaurant that Brett and I went to for our one-year dating anniversary. It is amazing. The restaurant whose fare I really wanted to sample was The Peppercorn Duck, though. That's the restaurant that sits atop the Hyatt Regency Hotel. I've heard nothing but wonderful things about it. We never did find it... darnit... And I'm even more disappointed now because I checked out their menu online this morning and the entrees are priced between $32 and $50! So there's no way Brett and I could just go eat there on our own sometime.

Unfortunately, the animals were blocked off, but whilst we were resting on a bench, a peacock wandered by.

One of the bands was The Licks, a Rolling Stones cover band. And man, they were good. The lead singer sounded uncannily like the one and only Mick Jagger.

So Jazzoo is a good time! I doubt we'll ever get to go again!

Saturday night, after chillin' poolside all day, we took in a movie. Neil, the roomie, wanted to rent a couple movies so Brett and I tagged along. You know those racks with the 2 for $20 movies? I bought a couple. I couldn't help myself. I got "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" (which is actually pretty good) and "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", which Brett still has not seen. A coworker lent me "Just Friends" and I also watched that over the weekend and it was surprisingly funny. It wasn't stupid like I suspected it might be. I highly suggest you all check it out.

The movies we rented? "Shopgirl" (I've been wanting to see that since it was in theatres) and "Kung Fu Hustle". That was Brett's pick. Since I so stubbornly refused to see it in theatres, I gave in this time. It. Was. Awesome. Again - HIGHLY recommend you all see this movie. Kind of cartoonish, but most entertaining and I would watch it again if I had the time and it didn't have to go back so soon.

That is why I buy movies rather than rent them. Amazon, people. Amazon.

And I'm not sure if people like these or not so I won't actually post it, but I'll link it. It's another laugh-out-loud entry from Go Fug Yourself. I think I just might have a new favorite expletive phrase...

Goodbye Shadow... you old Pearhead

2006-05-30T08:47:00.000-06:00

Awww, here's a baby Shadow, bounding toward the camera. She was definitely a playful puppy, there's no doubt about that.

She would drive Shugie crazy (yes, mom, I know you guys spelled it "Sugie" but I like to spell it more phonetically... besides, I always thought it was "Shugie"). Shugie passed away last year. She was a sweet dog. We got her when I was nine.

Shugie had a hard time outrunning Shadow. This was a common sight.

Shugie and Shadow really had an appreciation for nature... as long as nature had squirrels in its branches.

Chasing squirrels is an exhausting pasttime.

I always thought this was a creepy picture... Shadow looks more like a black ET with a wig. Or some kind of alien lifeform here... I liked hangin' out with the Shad-meister.

Goofball..

ANTM, Questionable Work Karma and Other Events

2006-05-24T08:21:00.000-06:00

Yet again... this is becoming ridiculous. There are far too many blog-worthy frustrations in such a short period of time.

Let's start this off on a good note shall we? Last week I watched the finale of my guilty pleasure, America's Next Top Model. And SNOW BLACK won!!! Yay!! That's who I was rooting for even though it was a tough call this season. Peruse her complete portfolio. It's pretty stellar. I wish I was that pretty! Joanie was a contender. I mean, look at these two Cover Girl shots. Can you really choose? Make 'em both winners!

But our Snow Black pulled through to win it all. We love Snow Black!

Okay let's get down and dirty now... Earlier this week, I was asked to proofread a 35-page marketing plan for a potential client. It took me an hour and 15 minutes and I found numerous blunders. No problem though. Yesterday at 4:30 - an hour before closin' time - Brent brings the same marketing plan up to me for a final proof.

He says, "I looked through this twice. I don't think you'll find anything. I made most of your changes. Some of them were very subjective changes though."

Umm what? Did I hear that right? I do not make subjective changes. My bible is the AP Stylebook and everything I mark is justified. The things he considered "subjective." I am truly offended.

Ah, so "...within the next two month..." is correct is it?? And I thought he read through this thing twice. Hey - and why don't you throw a few more "verys" in there?? I'll let a "very" slide every now and then. If it's part of a phrase and sounds weird without it, it stays. But I learned from the best of the best and he told us nearly every day that "very" is completely unnecessary and we were not, under any circumstances, to use it.

Since when did taking out a word or phrase because it makes the sentence redundant become "subjective?" Oh, and I suppose that marking run-on sentences is also just something that is a personal, "subjective," pet peeve. Right...

This has got to stop. He needed this thing finished last night. He wanted me to stay and help him put it all together after I proofed it one final time. Well that obviously did not happen. I actually stayed past 5:30 for this. If he had made the changes the first time around, it would have been done in a timely fashion. In the name of productivity, these people need to start listening to me. If they don't make the changes the first time around, what makes me think they'll make them the second time? If this error-ridden nightmare goes out as is, I sure as heck do not want to be held accountable. What is my purpose here? They change the things that I write (and make them worse), they make me write stuff and then trash it and let the client write it (can't wait to see that) and they don't heed my proofreading corrections.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to buy the updated AP Stylebook and keep it here. So when I proof things, I can say, "Reference AP book, page whatever." I am seriously going to do this.

Moving on...

After a healthy rant with both my mom and my dad, Brett and I drank some wine, had a nice chat, and decided to have a swim. But first, I slammed my finger in the front door. Almost exactly one year (14 months) since I slammed my thumb in my car door and fractured it. I sure hope this isn't becoming an annual thing. Thankfully, it's not as bad as last year's door slamming. It hurt like hell but it's just swollen and badly bruised. I can still move it and do things with it.

So what did we do next? Jumped into a cold pool. It was exhilarating.

Ahhh and now I'm at work again. Let's hope it's better than yesterday...

Blowing off steam... this will take 2 seconds I promise

2006-05-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

*sigh* I started today in such a good mood. I actually got 8 full hours of sleep. I woke up chipper. It's Friday. I've got my tickets to see The Da Vinci Code tonight, which I am excited for despite the lackluster - and some downright scathing - reviews; I bet those reviewers were Catholic.

Anyway. I wrote a block of copy for a client. I thought it was pretty good. I took my direction and ran with it. So then I never got any feedback, and the guy whom I sent the copy to walked by my desk so I asked him how it worked. And he goes, "Oh it was okay, I had to tweak it a lot but it eventually worked." Umm.. Who is the copywriter here? That's right, it's ME, not him. So then just a few minutes ago he comes up and says, "Hey, Rob wants to talk to us about this copy." He got praised on the layout. I got blasted for "my" copy. And that really pisses me off, you know? Because I'm getting criticized for something I didn't even write. And I'm going to go talk to him about this as soon as he gets off the phone because that is really just plain mean. After Rob was done, this guy goes, "So do you wanna go fix those things?"

Gimme a gun....

World, meet Gage Adam, newborn extraordinaire.

2006-05-15T14:30:00.000-06:00

"I am not. happy. I'm tired, I'm cold and I just got circumcized. And now there's a d*mn camera in my face."

This is Jessica's precious little baby. That's it. I'm going to have to sell plasma or something so I can afford the gas to make an emergency trip to Wichita because I HAVE to see this little guy! Jessica, he's undeniably cheekies.

Coming soon

2006-05-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

Tuesday was a sad day. My mom and dad had to put Shadow, our 12-year-old lovable black Lab, to sleep. Although projecting a happy aura, Shadow was extremely anemic, possessed cancerous tumors and was suffering from internal bleeding. So if it wasn't evident that she was suffering, it would have been soon.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. :(

So once I'm able to get my hands on some photos, be on the lookout for a pictorial tribute to a wonderful member of our family who was there for half of my life. We'll miss you, Shadow!

Go Fug Yourself sample

2006-05-01T13:58:00.000-06:00

This was hilarious - I just had to post it.

The Fug Life

Dear Paris Hilton,

Put them away.

Love,

The 6 Billion Residents of the Planet Earth. We've ALL seen them already.

PS: Despite the fact that you're desperately wearing it open to the waist, that dress is cute, and your hair looks sweet. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND EFF IT UP?

Weekend in Review

2006-05-01T13:31:00.000-06:00

Brett and I had a little getaway to the Lake of the Ozarks. We both had Friday off and headed out. We arrived at beautiful Osage Beach in the early evening. Well, as beautiful as it could be in cold, rainy weather. It rained the whole time. But we had planned on this for the past two weeks so we were just going to suck it up and make the most of it. Our helpful props in this endeavor? A small bottle of Jagermeister and some wine. The alcohol did its job! We had a BLAST. We went to the restaurant by the hotel to order some food and thought, why not take a tequila shot? Then we ran down by the water while we were waiting on our food. That is a STEEP hill, let me tell you. We had some problems trying to get back up. The sidewalk didn't like us too well. Later on that evening I had the brilliant idea to get in the shower. I proceeded to slip and fall flat on my butt - hard. It didn't phase me at the time, but I woke up the next morning to a bruised ass bone. Have any of you ever bruised an ass bone?? It hurts!!

The rain decided to stop for a few hours on Saturday so Brett and I took advantage and rented a Jon Boat. I had no idea what to look forward to. As it turns out, this is a Jon Boat. As the guy is showing us how to run it, he goes, "This isn't a big deal but there's a small hole at the front of the boat." Umm, what? Is that supposed to calm my nerves?? The water is choppy, it is windy as all get out, and he tells us there is a HOLE at the front of the boat? Fan-frickin'-tastic. Luckily, Brett knows how to run a boat and did so beautifully. But goodness - we hit some waves that were so large, we bounced on our seats quite viciously. Not so fun. But the waters eventually calmed down and it wasn't bad at all, just chilly.

That night, I subjected Brett to the poison that is Shoney's. I felt (feel) terrible!! We went to Shoney's every now and then when I was a kid and just because I wanted to relive an insignificant childhood memory, Brett got a mild bout of food poisoning. He was sick that evening and all day Sunday. I think I had built up an immunity to Shoney's food so it didn't bother me. Poor Brett!

Saturday night at 11:30 I got a call from a friend saying that Jessica had gone into labor. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got another call at 6:30 a.m. saying she had her baby. Awwwwwwwwwwww..... Jessica called me herself last night which surprised me. She told me a couple of weeks ago that everyone was saying to her, "Call me when the baby is born!" and she was saying how she didn't want to call everyone right away so she had Baby Daddy, Paul, and some other people call everyone up. Besides, I knew she'd be exhausted and preoccupied with her new bundle of joy. So imagine my surprise when she called me at 9:30 last night! A bit shocked. His name is Gage (not sure if I'm spelling that right), he's 8 pounds and 20.25" with a full head of brown hair and, of course, blue eyes. When she called me I could hear him crying in the background. He sounded sooooooo adorable!!!!!!! I cannot WAIT to see him. He's got a warm, roomy crib to sleep in because of his Aunt Brianne. I'm not really his aunt but I am dubbing myself as such.

I'm feeling the winds of change...

2006-04-27T10:54:00.000-06:00

Oh so much has happened. I did chop my hair off. Most people probably wouldn't consider it "chopped off" but it used to hang to the middle of my back and now it hangs to right at my shoulder blades so that's chopped off enough for me. It's blonder again. It looks fabulous! Once I get a picture, I'll post it.

Brett got into nursing school!!!!!!!! I am SO proud of him. And so excited for him. He has been waiting for this for so long, and after last year's completely unreasonable rejection, he deserved it more than anyone. Last night, I bought him a great small vineyards bottle of wine: Carazita. It is worth checking out. Also, I got him a card, and then Neil bought everyone Indian food, Brett's current favorite. He starts in August. One of the many impending celebrations (I'm sure) is tonight. And I know something he doesn't know.... :)

I caught up with the rest of the world and read The Da Vinci Code. Wow. That is the most concise way to put my review of it. But you all aren't so lucky, because I'm not stopping there today! It was probably the best book I have ever read in my life. I am not kidding. What made it so intriguing was all of the factual historical information! I was glued to my computer the whole way through it so I could bring up the different paintings and Google at my whim whatever I didn't know about. It makes me want to go back to the Louvre more than ever. I wish I would've paid more attention the first time around. I was right by some of the mentioned paintings and didn't even give them a second glance! I am kicking myself for it now. But I have vowed to make it back to Europe one of these days and by God I intend to! The famous Louvre pyramids - I have pictures of them all. With all of the information I gleaned from the book (with the help of the Internet), they are 10 times as fascinating. Did you know that the huge pyramid in front of the Louvre is made up of exactly 666 panes of glass? Interesting.... I can't really say anymore just in case a Da Vinci Code virgin is reading this. But - WOW. It made my mind spin. In a great way.

It must be Take Your Daughter (or Young Female Relative) To Work Day. Deanna came in this morning with her neice, who I am going to assume is around 12 or 13? I could be wrong but I think that's an accurate guess. I remember those days. I think I just stayed at home. But I found myself trying to look at this place from the neice's point of view. I would definitely rather be here than in middle school. The freedom to run errands, go to lunch wherever you please and just, well, be a responsible adult, is exhilirating! Compare that to being surrounded by peers of your own age and everyone is going through puberty and teasing abounds (especially in my unfortunate case way back when).... ick. No thank you. Makes a person really appreciate their job no matter how much they don't like it!

I've goofed off all morning. It's time to get cracking. On what? You guessed it: more impossible research....

The Great Hair Debate

2006-04-21T08:13:00.000-06:00

It's a personal, internal debate really. Methinks I might chop it all off on Saturday. Maybe... It's getting really long, which I love but... well you see, curly hair is actually finer than straight hair. You just can't tell because of the volume curls provide. But the longer curly hair gets, the more it's weighed down. So now it just feels really fine and I don't like it. I thought this was what I wanted, and I never thought I would utter these next words but I miss my volume!! I remember the days when it was just a big poof-ball. *shudder*

I want to get it cut so it hangs just below the shoulders. Nothing too drastic but it'd still be a big change. I only have one question for Mandy, my hairstylist: is it going to be poofy? If she gives the wrong answer, I'll just go for a trim.

Hey I'm on a roll here! The past couple of entries have gotten me a comment each! Hmm. I think this entry is going to put a stop to that. I apologize for the lackluster blog this morning!

Who wins the award for stupidest (or grossest) person?

2006-04-18T10:17:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: This post contains two graphic images. I just thought I'd warn you.

Well I've heard some doozies over the past 24 hours. I can't decide which one is the worst.

First off, my momma got in a car accident on Easter. She's fine. But I got a voicemail on Easter night and it was her saying, "Hi Brianne, this is mom. I just wanted to tell you about my car accident," or something along those lines but nevertheless, she sounded almost bubbly. So I knew that it wasn't a really bad one and no one got hurt. She's driving home from church and this unfathomably ignorant girl runs a red light. My mom layed on the horn, the girl saw her and then sped up thinking that she could get through before my mom hit her. Well, my mom hit the back end of her car. Wow, what an idiot.

But it gets better.

Her mom walks out (their house was close maybe?), this woman is mother to a 19-year-old girl and looked to be probably in her mid-30s, covered in tattoos and was missing several teeth (including the front four)....classy. They attempted to dissuade my mom from calling the police but thankfully, my mom insisted on doing so. This woman had the police programmed into her cell phone. So they get there, this girl admits to running a red light, and two witnesses who had pulled over also atested to that. It turns out this girl didn't have a license on her either. And she threw away her temporary license because it got crumply. *banging head against wall* They also have a really shady insurance company.

I'm still not finished (can you believe it?)...

Yesterday my mom starts to deal with the insurance. Her insurance company warned her about her dealings with their insurance company because they're "tricky." So are the 19-year-old girl and her mother. One of them called their insurance place and told them that my MOM was the one who had run the red light.

Ok...

This is what happens when you have the intelligence of a slug (which, for the record, are probably smarter than these fine folks)... I mean really... how STUPID does one have to be to tell their insurance people that they had the green light when they had already told police the truth, written it down on a police report and knew there were witnesses? My head is starting to hurt as I write this. People's ignorance never ceases to amaze me.

Next contestant:

On the morning show I listen to religiously, Afentra's Big Fat Morning Buzz, they do a bit on Tuesdays called I Want An Apology Tuesday (you can listen Tuesday mornings if you'd like, they've got streaming audio online now). This morning, the mother of a 5-year-old called in. Her daughter plays with a friend; sometimes she takes them out to go bowling or what have you, other times the girl's dad takes them out. This involves an outing with the friend's dad. He was supposed to take them to see Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. Next thing she knows, her daughter is walking around the house trying to smoke everything and saying that she does it better than anyone else. So they called him today on the air to confront him about it. Here's what happened: they showed up to the movie theatre late so he just took them to a movie he wanted to see... Thank You For Smoking. He took two 5-year-olds to see this movie. So the mom is irate and asking him why her daughter is walking around acting like she's smoking and he goes, "I don't know! I told her not to do it. I told her it was bad. A lot of people take their kids to that movie!" and then Danny Boi (one of the DJs) interjects, "Yeah, tobacco lobbyists." The guy just keeps talking and says, "I didn't think she'd understand any of it. I just wanted to keep her busy." *popping a couple of Advil* It was kind of funny because he was so being Cliche Man. But he thought they wouldn't pay attention? Really? Little kids are walking sponges. I thought everyone knew that?? The last comment really blew me away, "I thought she was old enough I could explain it to her." Yes. You read that right. He thought that two 5-year-olds would understand smoking satire.

Final contestant:

*graphic image number 1*

Ah, Tom Cruise. What happened to you? It's best to keep your crazy Scientologist beliefs quiet. Don't you know this by now? I thought you'd completely lost it when you bought Katie an adult pacifier to keep her quiet during childbirth (yeah... right) but I guess I should know by now never to underestimate your insanity.

Apparently, after the baby is born, Tom Cruise plans to eat (put in his mouth, chew and swallow) the placenta and umbilical cord. In case you don't know how gross it is, this is what afterbirth looks like:

*graphic image number 2* (it's too gross to actually post in the blog)

According to Scientology beliefs, the afterbirth contains important nutrients and vitamins. God forbid Crazy Cruise let all that nutritious matter go to waste! *urp*

Excuse me while I go vomit....

I. Hate. My. Job.

2006-04-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

I am this close to saying f*** it all - I'm not waiting until my year is up, I'm finding a new job NOW. I am so sick of getting the constant impossible research tasks!! I am here to work my way up to copywriter. I am NOT here to do research all the time - I'm not a researcher. They never give me writing assignments yet the research assignments flow like water. If it were easy, it'd be no problem. But it's things like they gave me this morning that make me want to snap. I did all these research for a new client, including demographic research for their four main markets that they want to target. Rob told me that was "wonderful research," that it was exactly what they needed. Until this morning apparently. Two hours before they have to leave to meet with the client, he basically tells me that what I gave him was crap and that he needs demographic information for the KC metro area, not just KC MO. So I Google it, I click on every link that looks relevant and some that don't but only find Census information which only goes by county or state. So then I get told to call the Chamber of Commerce, and the person I talked to there sent me back to a web page that I had already looked at. So then Rob wants me to get the info for a few specific counties. Which I do. But then he comes up to my desk and is all, "You called the Greater Kansas City Chamber? [as if I'm retarded and called the Overland Park chamber or something equally dumb] And they didn't have that information?" I proceed to explain to him that I already looked up the demographic information for the Metro's counties and all I'd have to do is add up the numbers (maybe simple math eludes him but I'm capable of doing it) to get the Metro's information. It's like he didn't even hear that. Then he tells me to call the KCK Chamber and the Mid America Regional Council because "that information exists somewhere, find it." What the f***. I have the information in my HANDS that would take 5 minutes to add everything up and he's telling me to call these places to get it?? He's such an arrogant, hearing-impaired ASSHOLE!!! God I hate him! Why the hell doesn't he try to find it? I would LOVE to see him try. And then I'd be ready to accept a groveling apology. Seriously though, this research crap has got to stop. I am wasting my time here getting "experience" that is irrelevant! I realize that research is incorporated into the communications field somewhat - but they're asking me to do in-depth research like it's my only purpose around here. It's getting out of hand and I'm not going to put up with it if I don't have to. If I can find a better job, I'm takin' it.

Update

2006-04-13T14:28:00.000-06:00

Scroll back down to the Second Chance Prom entry - the Buzz finally posted pictures so I changed mine.

911 is getting lazy - and ignorant.

2006-04-13T07:50:00.000-06:00

Did anyone see the story about the boy whose mother died because when he called 9-1-1 the operator dismissed his call as a prank? Yeah. I sincerely hope that dispatcher loses her job. She, and the other dispatcher handling the call, are still on the job while a full investigation is being conducted. That's crap. At least suspend them. I feel so bad for this poor kid. He is 6-years-old. His mom passed out so he calls 9-1-1 only to be told to "stop playing on the phone."

In a related experience (only in the sense that 911 is involved) I came home from work one night all kinds of excited because I had just met Vanilla Ice (he came into Outback!) and I pick up the phone to call my friend. I misdialed with the area code so I hung up and redialed. Apparently I had dialed 9-1-1 in the process. So I'm on the phone with my friend and I hear a knock at the door. I MISDIALED 9-1-1 and they sent cops over. Which is great really because that means that they're doing their job. But when a kid calls - a little kid - they should never be so presumptuous to say "don't play on the phone" and hang up on them. They should always, always take them seriously!! That's just awful.

Second Chance Prom

2006-04-06T07:34:00.000-06:00

That was the rockin-est prom ever!! Oh my goodneess what a blast. I'll find some pictures to post once the Buzz puts them on their website or Brett gets them off his phone. I've been kicking myself since last night for not bringing our own camera. Everything was better this time around. Everything. As Brett dubbed it, this was Prom Done Right. My senior prom chose this sub par venue which is located behind a big rig park. They used to hold it at the Indian Center downtown, by the river - a place 10 million times classier than the freaking Cotillion. Prom Done Right? A beautiful Spanish-inspired theatre with gorgeous ceilings and a grand staircase, located in downtown Kansas City. Much much much much much better. There was alcohol at this prom. The Dresden Dolls played at this prom. That was the best. I love the Dresden Dolls!

They appeared on stage wearing dresses. Both of them. Amanda was in this puffy-sleeved, off-the-shoulder purple taffeta nightmare, it was great. Brian came out in this green floaty dress (yeah, I'm on a first name basis with the Dresden Dolls, I'm cool like that). They are just hilarious. And so talented! Amanda plays keyboard (sooo awesome) and Brian plays the drums. I was a little disappointed they didn't play Girl Anachronism though. I wanted to impress (read: annoy) the people standing around me with my knowledge of every single word of that song. If you've heard it you know that is actually impressive. But they more than made up for it for their dazzling rendition of Simple Minds' Don't You Forget About Me. It was AWESOME! Everyone was jumping up and down during the "la la la's" - the girls sans their shoes, of course. Oh god, by the time we left, I took my shoes off and walked on the concrete barefoot. I don't care how gross it was, there was no way my feet would have survived had I left the killer heels on. They sure were cute though. Anyway I digress.

They had their table set up with merchandise, albums and other goods. Brett and I were checking the table out when something caught my eye - an order form for Dresden Dolls SHEET MUSIC!!! I emailed them a year and a half ago telling them they should put out some sheet music, that I would totally buy it. It was $40. It's more than 200 pages which justifies the high price tag. I can't wait. It is going to be so worth it and I will amaze everyone with Dresden Dolls songs.

The Dresden Dolls will get even more of my money once their new album comes out for real. It leaked on the Internet but that version is crappy I've heard. Gotta wait for the good quality. It will be mine.

So after a long night and very little sleep, here I am at work. And I couldn't even wear jeans and flip flops today. We have a meeting and a luncheon. Blast... I can handle it though. I'm tough.

Brett didn't want dinner to be a surprise so here's what I'm going to make him:

Chicken Piccata topped with capers

Broccoli and fresh green beans cooked with garlic and crushed red pepper

*Ricotta with fresh raspberries dusted with sweetened cocoa powder and drizzled with honey.

(*I'm not sure about this because he said he doesn't want dessert but this sounds so good I just want to make it anyway)

Upon perusing presentation ideas for all of these, methinks I need to serve the chicken atop a bed of angel hair pasta. That would be so good. I was thinking it would be very similar to this salmon dish at Macaroni Grill - salmon topped with this lemon butter sauce and capers, served atop a bed of angel hair pasta. It has always been my favorite! So I checked out their site to see if they still have it (they don't - dammit!) but they do have a tenderloin topped with Boursin cheese. That is the best cheese ever!! And they have risotto. Did I just not realize all this before or is this all new? I think we need to make a trip to Macaroni Grill.

Before I go off on another tangent, I will end this blogging session. Wish me luck on dinner!

Second Chances

2006-03-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

Wednesday, April 5 (god it sucks that this falls on a Wednesday)is the Second Chance Prom. The best radio station in all of Kansas City is hosting it downtown at the Madrid. Their website is less than spectacular, and the pictures don't do it justice but trust me - it's a great venue. I got a dress, but I am still on the lookout for shoes. I'd love to buy a pair of Nine West shoes, they are my favorite! Take a gander at this lovely pair or this cute little pump... *note to self: stop by the Nine West store on way home from work sometime this week* I've got a great necklace to go with this ensemble - a modest, elegant diamond pendant. I know it's not very "prom" but I was going for something I could wear more than once.

I have the best boyfriend ever!!! Yesterday he bought me flowers for no reason at all. Pink daisies. At least I think they're daisies. They are beautiful! While he was buying me flowers, I was buying our bunny, Gilbert, a little bunny-harness and leash. It is so freaking adorable. Gilbert does - not - like it at all. He has chewed through half of it already. It's got two velcro straps that also have a plastic hook on them. One of the plastic hooks has been gnawed off. The velcro is still intact. We took him out front with us while we roasted vegetables on this tiny little grill Brett bought. Everyone who walked by "oohed" and "awwed" at Gilbert in his harness. Well of course - everyone loves Gilbert.

I made the BEST oatmeal raisin cookies in the world this weekend. I got my recipe here. I suggest you try this sometime. Although I didn't twist the dough into a pretzel or anything. I just dropped them onto a cookie sheet like regular cookies. They turned out absolutely amazing. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I would have paid money for these. Now that I've proven I can bake (if first given an excellent recipe), now I'm going to prove I can cook. Brett always gives me hell because I can't cook - I mess almost everything up. He's right. But tomorrow night, I'm going to cook him a feast! And I'm determined that it will be excellent. I'll post the menu on Wednesday. He doesn't usually check the blog, only the MySpace, but I know that if I post it, it'll be the one time he actually checks it. It's got to be a surprise. shhhh

This is where I leave you. The morning just flew by. I've been looking things up and watching a storm roll in (ooo goody! I hope it storms!). I've got some work-related research to conduct now. Wish me luck. I tried to get started on this on Friday and nobody I called was cooperative at all. Stupid HBA people!

M.A.S.H. No, not the TV show....blech.

2006-03-22T14:12:00.000-06:00

Who remembers the game M.A.S.H.? Show of hands please! The game with the categories and by simply counting the number of lines in your swirly thing, you would be unraveling your destiny on the sheet of paper before you. At the end you see what fate has in store for you in terms of real estate. Will you get the Mansion? The Apartment? The Shack? The House? Who knows!! The fun takes off from there.

I had completely forgotten about this. I last tried to resurrect this relic of a game I believe in my freshman year of high school. It didn't catch on then, it probably won't catch on now, but I felt like taking a trip down memory lane. Remember how every category had the obligatory repulsive entry? See if you can find them now. Some are obvious, others are more subtle. Have your pens poised and ready to swirl (with each category, otherwise it becomes a bit predictable). On your mark, get set,......GO!!

MASH

Husband
Johnny Depp
Matthew McConaughey
Clive Owen
Tom Cruise
Sean Patrick Flanery

Wedding Dress Color
white
black
hot pink
red
turquoise

Honeymoon Destination
Rome
Hawaii
Australia
Greece
Cuba

Career
Record shop owner
Lawyer
Doctor
Teacher
Call girl

Husband's Career
McDonald's manager
Plastic surgeon
Musician
Anesthesiologist
CEO

Number of Kids
16
2
4
1
0

Car
Corvette
Limo
Kia
Porsche
Lexus

Pet
Dog
Cat
Hamster
Poisonous snake
Rabbit

Now what were your results?

I went on a quiz binge....

2006-03-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

Your Inner Pop Princess Is Kelly Clarkson

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be"

No doubt about it, you have star quality. Might just take a while to get there.

Who's Your Inner Pop Princess?

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from The Empire Strikes Back

"Captain, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited."

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

Odd...I've never seen that movie.

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

You Are Pink!

Tough. Sexy. Tough. Soulful. Tough.
Guys are both attracted and scared of you.
"I've been the girl with her skirt pulled high
Been the outcast never running with mascara eyes"

Who's Your Inner Rock Chick?

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

Kirk Cameron

Who's Your 80's Heartthrob?

Nooooo! Not the freaky religious guy! I was hoping for John Stamos.

You Are Aphrodite!

A total shining star with a ton of admirers
And no wonder: you live life to the fullest!
When things get bad, you can easily take off to a happier place
But occasionally, you need to deal with problems head on

What Goddess Are You?

You're a Window Shopper!

You know that shopping's a blast, but you prefer to save your money
You hardly ever give into an impulse buy, unless it's a total steal
You've always got the most money of your friends - and you never have to borrow
And you've got a nice wardrobe too ... of classic pieces that last years!

Are You a Shopaholic?

I'm not sure that one is entirely accurate...

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about...
One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup
That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though
You have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You?

Sure okay - I think I'm a girl anomaly: I basically don't do anything with my hair and it looks pretty cute but I need the makeup.

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

mmm...ice cream

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.
Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.
You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

Eww. White chocolate is only acceptable in that Hershey's cookies and cream candy bar.

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Nicole Richie

The perfect blend of uptown and downtown.

Who's Your Celebrity Style Twin?

You are Betty Grable

The ulitmate girl next door
You're the perfect girl for most guys
Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.

What Famous Pinup Are You?

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.
People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.
You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.
Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Lilies are my favorite flower! How ironic! ...or is it? *do the one eyebrow lift*

This is the cutest video ever!

2006-03-03T15:36:00.000-06:00

Especially when Curious George is under water.

Upside Down

Add a video to your site Webratsmusic.com

Matisyahu is Tonight

2006-03-01T09:28:00.000-06:00

Just click here for a little sampling of his music.

King Without A Crown is awesome but I wish they had Beatbox on there. Blast... Oh well. Enjoy!

Work Musings

2006-02-27T13:26:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was asked to write an introductory letter about the company intended for potential clients. What started out as cheese-tastic [the first line was a question befitting of the zaniest infomercials followed by the obvious this-approach-sounds-too-good-to-be-true statement] miraculously turned into professional poetry. How does this happen? Perhaps the more important question is, why doesn't this happen more often? Is there a proverbial switch somewhere? I can't find it! Maybe it's the delicate balance of my breakfast ensemble. Maybe my karma was good for whatever reason, I don't know. But after a rocky start the words just started flowing. I'm becoming prouder of my work with each passing assignment! I think they just need to give me a steady flow of work because otherwise, my brain turns to mush.

On a more tragic note, the brochure I wrote for a client that I was so proud of I even showed it off to my boyfriend and roommate who really couldn't care less (it's about MOLD - I can't say I blame them), was wiped off the slate and replaced with crap of the purest form per our client's request. Y'know, they hired us for a reason. If they're not going to listen to our suggestions (I say "our" because the guy who heads this project completely agreed with my copy), then they should stop wasting our time. I had to proofread this new copy no less than six times. It pained me. It literally pained me. There were parts that just didn't mesh well at all with the flow of the sentence but nooooooo. They didn't want a single word changed. But hey, if they want to sound uneducated - fine. It's out of my hands anyway.

Alright! We got the tickets! Now where is my yamakah...

2006-02-22T08:51:00.000-06:00

During my lunch break, I skitted on over to The Beaumont Club to purchase tickets to see Matisyahu. For those of you who think that I just experienced a phalangeal spasm, allow me to explain. Matisyahu is a truly original, incredibly talented, rapping, beat-boxing reggae artist.

He is also an Hasidic Jew.

He is frickin' amazing and Brett and I have tickets to go see him! I'm not sure how wide-spread his music has become. I'm certain he hasn't made it to the 'Ta, but in KC they've been playing King Without A Crown a lot. It's awesome, you should go check it out.

In other news, KU beat Baylor!!!! I was worried there for a minute. They were playing like poo for a while but they got their shit together for the second half. The next face-off is the biggie - Texas. But I think they can pull it off. These are some phenomenal freshmen and sophomores. :) Go Jayhawks!!

Aw darnit. They gave me research to do at work. It's vague research, too. Yuck. *sigh* Okay - I'm going to solve the mystery of why Johnson County's rich snobs don't want to pay a minimum of one million dollars for a house that is adjacent to a cemetary. That's a tough one! Pretty obvious if you ask me but hey - why not do a bunch of pointless research?? Alright! Let's do it!

This photo speaks for itself

2006-02-16T09:37:00.000-06:00

"Ruff" I say

2006-02-15T17:19:00.000-06:00

I missed it. I can't believe I missed Puppy Bowl II on Animal Planet! Brett and I stumbled upon Puppy Bowl last year and I just went nuts over it. I loved it so much that I actually spent money on a DVD of it! Yes. I own the inaugural Puppy Bowl. I thought I'd share this with you all:

"http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/puppybowl/video_gallery.html"

(grr why don't my links ever work?!)

You will be rewarded with clips from Puppy Bowl II and a special clip from their KITTEN HALF TIME SHOW!!

On a side note, I feel unbelievably inarticulate today and it's giving me a raging headache.

Can we say "awww"???

2006-02-15T12:58:00.000-06:00

I have the sweetest boyfriend ever. Yesterday, he made me breakfast in bed, gave me lilies (my favorite!) and made me an exquisite dinner of balsamic roast pork tenderloin and asparagus with a hollandaise sauce. We had wine. And he dedicated a song for me: I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they are both satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knucles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they are both satisifed
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-10T13:06:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day is a mere four days away. It's going to be pretty laid back this year, or so I anticipate. I don't even want to do anything big. All I need is to be with Brett. Well... maybe some candy would be nice but not chocolate!

Ideally, I'd want a Valentine's Day reminiscent of the elementary school vday party. Those were great. Bring in a red treat and a box of those cheap, cartoon Valentines. That's what I want. Some of those heart-shaped cherry suckers, red hots, conversation hearts and a miniature Valentine with, I dunno, Curious George on it.

Last year was the big year. A dozen red roses, a new chain for my necklace, a diamond bracelet AND a ginormous box of Russell Stovers chocolates. That was good for a few years.

Dave Barry

2006-02-02T16:28:00.000-06:00

This is what I looked like when I shook hands with Dave Barry.

It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life after the biggies like Brett, Europe, and the Rolling Stones. I got to meet my literary hero - Dave Barry. THE Dave Barry! He was in Kansas City promoting his new book, Money Secrets. And he is just as funny in real life as he is in print! I planned ahead and wore my "Dave Barry for President" shirt. It was a big hit. Prior to this event, I never once got a comment on it. I suppose I should have been more prepared when walking into a sanctuary filled to the brim with other Dave Barry enthusiasts. Many random people said things to me like, "Wow I love your shirt!" or as I was passing, "Ahh I don't have a Dave Barry for President shirt!" or even, "Hey, nice shirt."

Poor Brett. I made him sit there with me for an HOUR before it even started because I had to be in the front row. A photographer for kansascity.com was fluttering around, catching people unawares with her ridiculously bright flash. She came right over to me as soon as she spotted my shirt and started taking pictures. Here is one of them:

I will be making this my new profile picture.

After he was done speaking, there was a book signing. The order was determined by the numbers on people's tickets. Brett and I were numbers 325 and 326. Brett missed the better part of a KU game just so he could stand in line with me for this! Isn't he wonderful? We did eventually get up there. Brett's sister Jill has an english degree and would've appreciated an autograph by Dave Barry probably more so than Brett. Plus it was her birthday. So Brett selflessly got a signature for her instead and Dave Barry [fyi: I will always have to refer to him by first and last name because he is THAT awesome] wrote a little happy birthday message to her. How nice!

Then I got up there and the woman who was standing behind Dave Barry pointed out my shirt and he goes, "Oh hey! That's nice! Where'd you get it?" Me: "I customized it on a website myself." Dave Barry: "Wow, that looks better than the ones we were selling on the website!" Well first I felt bad that I customized it on another website and didn't buy it directly off of his. But that's a good compliment from Dave Barry, right? There was another local photographer there, Michael Doyle, who was taking pictures of all the signings and before I walked off he said that he just had to get a shot of us standing together and shaking hands in the traditional political campaign handshake. How awesome. So that picture can be viewed at this website (copy and paste):

http://mdoylephoto.morephotos.com/mp_client/pictures.asp?action=viewphotosloggedin&size=thumbnails&resetsession=no&bypass=&eventid=17537

Brett and I are the second line, all but the last picture.

Wow... I cannot believe how fast this week has gone by. It is already THURSDAY! They are actually giving me work. All week they've been giving me work! It's fabulous, but it continues to be grammatically frustrating at times. Here's a real quick example: proofing a proposal that was to go out to a client, someone here actually used "their selves" - TWICE. Oh my head.....

Brett and I will go on a trek to Wichita tomorrow. I'm so excited! I miss home! And I get to see Jessica! She's apparently really pregnant now. I'm so excited to see!! She's one of those sickeningly cute pregnant girls too. The kind that stays exactly the same shape as they were before but just with a belly. Ugh. She has only gained 5 pounds. She's due in May. I can't wait!

Sometimes you need to scare yourself silly

2006-01-17T16:05:00.000-06:00

Brace yourself - this nightmare is more frightening than even Michael Jackson.

I know.

I didn't believe it was possible either.

How can people DO this to themselves?? Do they not own mirrors?

So Ms. Wildenstein here, caught her husband with a 21-year-old model and instead of just divorcing him, she decided to make her face look like a replica of his favorite jungle cat. *kookoo* And he left her anyway. Gee I wonder why.

I ran across this article (I can't remember how) and I was questioning its validity, as I believe nobody would actually take advice from this "woman" unless it was part of a cruel joke, or said person was not of sound mind. Upon further investigation, it's a satirical magazine. Oh thank goodness. Read for yourself:

http://www.happywomanmagazine.com/Healthfitness/jocelynwildenstein.htm

Just copy and paste it. I tried inserting it normally but for some odd reason, it wouldn't show up.

Isn't that sad?

The Grammar-Ignorant

2006-01-16T15:27:00.000-06:00

Recently, I've had the unenviable task of going through one of our clients' new website on the prowl for typos and grammatical errors. It was written predominately by the president of this company that will remain unnamed (what if they stumble upon this?). The few remaining sections were penned by the principal owner of my place of business, Rob.

I swear - the president of that company could use a lesson or two in grammar. Among the abundance of comma splices, he would use arbitrary capitalization. For example, words like "client" and "metal" were capitalized. On top of that, this man has no clue of the difference between a colon and a semi-colon. Grr. It was so frustrating.

As for Rob, we are just going to have to start calling him Bennet Brauer. Remember that SNL skit with Chris Farley? This is Rob's writing style:

We have hired the "best of the best" in the metal industry to give our customers the "peace of mind" that they seek.

Or something like that. The weirdest use of "quotation marks" I've ever seen. I even "Googled" the rules of proper quote use to make sure it wasn't just me "going crazy." You're only supposed to put quotes around phrases if you're "using them ironically," with "reservations" or in some "unusual way," do not use quotation marks for well-known phrases, etcetera, etcetera. And I highly doubt that you don't really want to hire the best of the best or give your customers peace of mind (which, by the way, was initially spelled "piece" of mind by the brilliant company president - and more than once so you know it wasn't an accidental "slip-up").

Another common AP rule is to spell out the numbers one through nine. Once you get into double digits, you are supposed to use numerals. DUH!! I mean, has this guy even heard of the AP Stylebook??

I'm really not trying to make this guy out to be a common idiot, because he's really quite brilliant when it comes to his field (their company leads the entire country). It just makes me feel smarter than someone in this one area. Let me have my moment.

The Epitome of All That Is Cute

2006-01-06T10:57:00.000-06:00

Baby.......12 days old............

Kittens............crawling around.......... on each other........

and the mama............

Itty-bitty tails........... kitten yawns!!!

The "AWWWWWS" are just dying to come out! But seeing as I'm at my desk... in the office... I'm not sure that would be the most appropriate thing to scream at the top of my lungs.

Thanks to a blurb in the Kansas City Star this morning, off to the side on the FYI cover there was info about a link called www.cuteoverload.com.

This is where I happened upon what will forever be opened up on my computer, the kitten cam.

Here it is folks, the cutest thing you will EVER see:

http://www.luckystarscattery.com/frMain.htm

Indulge yourselves and then get back to me via comments page. Thank you and goodnight.

Fuggin' Funny

2005-12-29T12:39:00.000-06:00

I recently figured out how to add a link to my sidebar here.. and so I added the site Go Fug Yourself. Very funny. Here is an excerpt.

"Yeah? So I ate some cookies. A whole lot of cookies. Wanna make something of it, bitch? Want to come over here so I can REARRANGE YOUR FACE? Huh? I didn't THINK SO.

Yeah, this IS my bitchface, BITCHES. I'm making a comeback, and it's BITCHY. I'm like the fat Shannen Doherty. I will MESS YOU UP. MESS YOU UP!

You think I look like a what? A pumpkin? Some kind of squash, is that what you said? I will squash YOU. Yeah, I'm talking to you, skinny girl with the pigtails. Aren't you the kid that took those pictures of me eating a Double Double in my car? It was PROTEIN STYLE, you know. I don't know why you people DIDN'T MENTION THAT.

For your information, I wore this dress to the Renaissance Faire last year and got A LOT of compliments on it, so why don't you just SHUT YOUR FAT FACES! Yeah, I said FAT. Like my new show on Showtime, Fat Actress, please watch it."

Oh thank you Fug girls.

Christmas Recap

2005-12-27T14:35:00.000-06:00

I always hate to see Christmas end. I can't believe how fast it all went this year!! I didn't absorb it nearly well enough. I haven't yet had my fix of those corny Christmas songs or cold weather (won't it EVER come back?) or the vast buffet of comfort foods. Well... maybe that last one is a good thing. Brett and I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday. Then we cleaned the apartment thoroughly. It was 60 degrees outside yesterday and we had all of our windows open - it felt like spring cleaning. It was depressing. I'm weird - I LOVE cloudy/rainy days and cold weather, when cold weather is due. After we got the apartment spick and span we hauled up our collective loot. And now it's a warzone again.

I have to say that my favorite present was from my aunt. She and her husband sent everyone (at least my mom and grandma and I) calendars of her 2-year-old son, Henry, who just happens to be the most adorable kid ever. My Henry calendar is the BEST and I've been showing it off to anyone who'll look at it.

Last night we went to this new club in downtown OP and to see Brett and Neil's friend Steven, and his fiancee Kayt who are in town from LA for the holidays. So THAT was fun, although cut a tad short because I, the boring old person that I am, was the only one who had to get up early and go to work. Poo. I wanted more tequila shots.

Perhaps tonight. Let's see how the rest of my day goes...

Dave Barry on The Little Drummer Boy

2005-12-21T17:04:00.000-06:00

"I am not a big fan of the Christmas song, 'The Little Drummer Boy.' Oh, sure, it's a beautiful song, for maybe the first thirty-five minutes. But eventually it gets on your nerves, those voices shrieking 'Rum-pa-pa-pum!' For openers, drums do not go "Rum-pa-pa-pum.' Drums go 'Rat-a-tat-tat.' Also, I have issues with the line that goes: 'The ox and the lamb kept time.' Really? How? Did they clack their hooves together, castanet-style? Did they dance? Are we supposed to believe that two barnyard animals with legume-level IQs spontaneously started doing the macarena? I'll tell you this: If I were taking care of a newborn baby, and somebody came around whacking on a drum, that person would find himself at the emergency room having his drumsticks surgically removed from his rum-pa-pa-pum, if you know what I mean."

-Dave Barry

Nori Poisoning

2005-12-21T13:00:00.000-06:00

Last night was filled with Christmas presents, homemade sushi, and barfing. It was lovely.

First off, yesterday evening while I was still lounging at work, I noticed a dull but persistent pain in my back - around the kidney region. Didn't think anything of it. Then I'm en route to the apartment and I got stopped at a light, and these two thug-looking guys run out in the street around the cars and I was sure they were going to carjack someone. Who runs out into the middle of the street and continues jogging down the center dotted line?? It was freaky.

Brett and I picked last night to have our Christmas because he has to work tonight and tomorrow, and then Friday I'm going to Wichita. I was so relieved because keeping his presents a secret has proved quite taxing. I love giving presents away. :) Particularly presents I KNOW the recipient will just love. He got me this GREAT Fossil watch! I suck at showing how much I like presents usually so he thought that I didn't really like it and I wasn't excited. But it's so cool. I'm so hip now. :) Is it sad that my boyfriend has better taste in clothes and accessories than I do? But that's beside the point... Its got a thick, brown leather strap with a gorgeous face - and I can't really describe it beyond that, but suffice it to say that I love it! :) He also got me Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and a Belgian waffle maker. And the movie Garden State. The funny thing about Garden State is Brett was going on about how much HE liked that movie. So I have been reiterating to my parents over and over, "Get Brett Garden State!" And I get it from him. :) It was so funny. What are the frickin' odds?!

I got Brett: 1) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, special edition DVD, 2) a domed popcorn popper - it's old school and very awesome, 3) Simpsons Operation, 4) Battleship, and a box with a masher, baster and tongs.

We thought we'd get in a game of Operation before we crashed. So Brett was out on the patio and I thought I'd practice a bit. My face was right by the board and I was concentrating real hard - and it buzzed - and I screamed - like a little girl. Like, REALLY screamed. It was sooooooooooo hilarious. :) Brett was out on the deck cracking up.

Before bed, Brett decided to make a snack of sushi rice and he tried his hand at making a roll. When he was visiting Neil in Japan, they had this Onigiri (oh-knee-GEAR-ee) that had tuna (regular canned tuna) mixed with mayonnaise in the center. That's what Brett made, except in roll form not Onigiri form. He used the nori (seaweed) that my mom had gotten for him last Christmas. And we had been warned by Neil that nori can go bad. But here's what Brett was thinking, and I would've totally agreed: it was in an air-tight seal and hadn't been opened at all so it was fine. It was really really NOT fine.

Two or three hours later I woke up feeling soooo miserable. The pain in my back had increased to excruciating and I felt completely ill. So I puked. Then I got back in bed and my back hurt so bad I didn't think I'd get back to sleep. I would have SWORN that I had a kidney infection. But I did eventually fall back asleep, only to be awoken by Brett's race for the bathroom. Damn that nori! It was completely foul. Word of advice: do NOT - EVER - eat nori that's been sitting around for a long time.

Faceoff With the Jiffy Lube Sadists

2005-12-20T08:24:00.000-06:00

Okay. I'm preparing myself here. INFORMING myself. Because I am in dire need of an oil change and the only place close to work is, of course, Jiffy Lube.

Let's have a recap of the last experience with Jiffy Lube:
I went in for an oil change, and I specifically said that ALL I wanted was an oil change. Twenty seconds after they get my car in there, this douchebag comes in and tells me that, at 2 years old and 25,000 miles, I need a "motor flush" to clear out all this sludgy buildup I have mysteriously acquired. The ignorant female that I am, I was suspicious but said yeah okay whatever. And subsequently got charged $50. Upon talking to individuals more informed than I who had never even HEARD of a motor flush before, I got completely irate. So my dad went and yelled at them and got me my money back.

So! I find myself in the precarious situation of having no choice but to visit Jiffy Lube again, even though I vowed never again to give them my business. So I'm going to walk in, and say very slowly because clearly they're assholes, "Listen - closely - All - I - want - is - my - oil - changed - and - my - antifreeze - changed. If - you - come - back - in - saying - I - need - something - else - and - try - to - take - advantage, - I - will - make - you - stop - and - I - will - go - someplace - else. GOT IT??"

Jiffy Lube assholes...

I don't take too kindly to being ripped off.

I will update later.

(Later)

Well this Jiffy Lube experience came and went without confrontation. Good. Because I'm more talk than action. I tend to shy away from confrontations. Although I thought an issue might've been a'brewin' because one of the mechanics pulled me out of the waiting room so show me my air filters and trying to get me to buy a $20 air filter from them. And I just go, "No, I can get one cheaper than THAT." And he kind of looked at me derisively and said, "Do you KNOW how much they cost?" So I just said, "Well I know they're not $20!" So anyway, my oil is changed and all is well.

It's a........

2005-12-15T09:25:00.000-06:00

BOY!! Jessica is having a boy!! :) I'm so excited for her! And now I can better focus on what I'll buy her. Now I can look at gender-specific things. And OUTFITS!! Oh I go too crazy buying baby outfits. She's gonna kill me. :)

The Twelve hic Days of Christmas

2005-12-12T13:51:00.000-06:00

I love this Christmas parody. I can remember hearing this at Grandy's when I was with my dad. I was probably 8. We were finished but we stayed to hear the song and just cracked up.

The 12 Daze of Christmas - Fay McKay

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks.. and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 dry Rob Roys..hehehe..4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a partridge in a pear tree.

(starting to get wasted now!) On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 Cuba Libres, 5 dry Rob Roys, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a tree... and a bird with the fruit on the limb.

Oooonnnn, on the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, 5 dry Rob Roys, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks, and a tree, and a tree, and a tree in the meadow...

On the eighth day of Christm, on the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave me, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7, 7, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, ahhhh (skips 5), 4 Old Fitgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cut.. and a, and a surrey with the fringe on top.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave meeeeee, 9 my, my, 9 my - mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the - 9 mar, margaritas, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, ahhh, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, eeee uhhh, doo-doo doo de-doo doo *whistles.*

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave me, 10 rum ma-haaaye, 9 ria 9 ris, 9, 9 roto rooters, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 Johnny Walkers, 6 Cuba iah, oh chucka chucka chucka chucka chucka *whistles.*

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to meeeee, 11, 11, 11 (makes puking noises) Bloody Marys, 10 rum mahara, 9 ria (the rest is gibberish).

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave meee, 12 dry martoonis, 11 of that green stuff, 10 myrahama, 9 rigor mortis, 8 sweet Old Fashions, 7 somma, 6 shoo, ohh uhhhh, 4, 4 Old Fitz, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 city parks, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee.

Ah it's great! I know I don't do it justice so go download it like a good boy/girl.

We showed 'em

2005-12-12T13:49:00.000-06:00

We caught five mice. FIVE mice. I think they're done. I think that was the little family. Either that or they've mutated into super-intelligent mice. But I hear the neighbor across the way found a mouse. I hate to say it but good. Hopefully they'll leave us alone now!

The Great Mouse Hunt

2005-11-30T09:24:00.000-06:00

We caught mouse number four last night.

And the hunt continues...

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (mice?)

2005-11-28T08:22:00.000-06:00

What a spectacular Thanksgiving. I love Grandma food. It's so comforting and always yummilicious. My favorite, favorite, favorite thing ever is her cheesy broccoli rice casserole. And the turkey was so juicy and scrumptious! I was about to say I wish Thanksgiving could be every day but then we'd all be gigantic around the midsection, hmm? We talked, perused old photoalbums (Thanksgiving/Christmas/reunions from 1955 on), watched Thanksgiving episodes of "Friends," and my grandma taught me how to knit! Oh darnit!!! That reminds me - I forgot to bring it in to work today. That's okay, I have about a gazillion crosswords to keep me busy. Anyway, it was really nice.

Also during my stint in the 'Ta, I got to see a couple of friends. I saw my friend Dana's new house and she gave me a fake tree (yay!). And I went and had lunch with Jessica and her baby daddy. And I got some Christmas shopping done.

I got back to OP on Saturday. Brett and I went to dinner with his mom at Outback. I miss Outback! Is that weird? I worked there and ate there for five years and thought I'd never want it again but I really miss it sometimes. And then the Christmas tree was calling our name so Brett and I put it together.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day decorating the apartment in between loads of laundry. I got the lights on the tree, the poinsettia stick-ins stuck in, I restrung the lights on the garland (or Judy, as Brett calls it), and I put up the nutcracker and singing Santa Homer.... I even wrapped presents and put some under the tree already. Mainly so I don't have to hide them from Brett anymore. There is not a single good hiding place in or around the apartment. And of course I watched "White Christmas" whilst I was decorating. Next up: Elf.

So I'm decorating the apartment, and I see this little brown blur streak by me and behind the bookcase. We had ANOTHER stinking, filthy mouse! I actually screamed like a little girl and stood on a chair. I don't have the foggiest idea on how to set our trap. But I re-baited it with peanut butter and tried to set it at least! I saw this little bugger SEVEN times! He's a lot braver than our last mouse. And as it turns out, a lot stupider, too. Brett came home for lunch and set the trap. I saw this guy five times in the living room, once in the hallway and then again in the kitchen. So I moved the trap to the kitchen, adjacent to a floor board. Minutes later - there he was in the cage. And he was trying with all of his mousy might to escape. He was kind of freaking me out so I put the cage on the deck (it was warm so I didn't feel bad). Then I'm downstairs doing laundry, and that's when the hail storm hits. I moved my car minutes too late to the covered parking. It wasn't bad though, only pea-sized hail. I guess there was a tornado warning near Wichita, a tornado watch IN Wichita, and another tornado storming Excelsior Springs. What the hell?? It's NOVEMBER. Late November at that. But back to my point - this little mouse trapped in a cage, is out on the deck during a ferocious hail storm. When Brett came to let him go (I didn't dare try - he would've run over my hands I KNOW it), the poor little thing was scared to death! He was sitting there shaking all over! Ok THEN I felt bad. When Brett opened the cage, he said he just disappeared - that's how fast he ran off.

So we're back in the apartment, hanging out, I'm playing Tetris - and then I hear more rumbling around in the closet. I think to myself, no frickin' way. We had ANOTHER MOUSE!!! Two in one day! So we bring the trap in the room. Well it was totally my fault. My dad had given me a bag of animal crackers and I didn't unpack them very well. They were sitting on the closet floor with tank tops and stuff on top of them. So THAT'S why we have mice. Oops. :o) So I resume my Tetris playing, but on the bed instead of the floor this time, and I see another brown blur shoot behind the entertainment center. So we moved the trap over there. No sooner had I layed my head on my pillow when I heard the cage snap shut. **by the way, it's a CAGE, not a trap so it doesn't kill them* We have some mighty dumb mice. The first one avoided the trap for weeks! And this was a feisty little sucker. So Brett and I found ourselves, for the second time that night, releasing a mouse into the wild.

Damn those filthy rodents... I thought I heard another one stirring around the kitchen this morning (where I relocated the animal crackers to be thrown away). The trap is set - I wonder if I'll find another tiny mouse looking back at me when I get home.

Love to eat turkey...

2005-11-23T10:11:00.000-06:00

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

This is the kind of day that the only reason I can bear being at my desk with nothing to do is knowing that in a few hours I will be leaving for Wichita for Thanksgiving. It sucks though because Brett can't come with me. He has to work. I'm really going to miss him over these five days! I am pretty sure that they'll let me go early today. They better. I'm not exactly doing anything and I bet they want to get out of here early as well. I'm hoping for a 2 p.m. departure time.

I'll be going to my grandma's house for tomorrow. I've missed out on it the past couple of years because I've stayed with Brett, so it'll be nice to go back home. And this year I won't have to eat two dinners. That's a tad too much for me! Then Prairie Pines will be calling our name the day after Thanksgiving. We avoid Black Friday like the plague but the tree we can't resist. I'm trying to talk my mom into buying a fake tree. Last year's fiasco would have convinced me. We got a tree and gussied it all up - then it dried out. Immediately. So we had to take all the decorations off, take it back and get a new one - and then decorate it again! And with a fake tree you don't have to worry about dry needles or watering. You just make it look pretty and voila - you're done.

I was just thinking the other day, that I had a LOT more to write about when I was a server. Now I have this job (which I'd hardly call a career) and I've got nothin'. What is wrong with this picture?

Alohamora

2005-11-17T14:57:00.000-06:00

I am SO pumped for the new Harry Potter movie tomorrow! It's gonna be great.

But as for now, I am pull-my-hair-out bored. I've done absolutely zero work all day so far. I just got a delivery assignment which means I can leave early though. Woo hoo!

Tomorrow is Friday. Tony Bennett is performing at the Ameristar Casino tomorrow night and I don't know what I'd rather do: see the new Harry Potter movie or go see Tony Bennett and hear my favorite romantic song, The Way You Look Tonight. I mean, I really have no choice, I'm going to see the movie, but MAN, I hate to miss this!

I can't think of anything to say. This job is turning my brain into mush. And my body, too since I am chained to this god forsaken desk. I really hope I get a gym membership for Christmas.

*yawn* Back to "work"...

Halloween Costumes by Dave Barry

2005-10-24T08:07:00.000-06:00

This article is titled "Scary costumes for your child on Halloween" and ran in the Wichita Eagle on October 23, 2000. Dave Barry is my hero.

On a personal note, I had a GREAT couples costume idea that I'm not sure I'll be able to employ this year due to a stubborn, reluctant significant other with no sense of fun (just kidding you know I love you!) and the fact that I'm not entirely sure they condone dressing up on Halloween at my new place of business. We shall see... *devious grin* No really though, my brilliant idea is: Peg and Al Bundy. HA! Wouldn't that be great? I was even supplied a small toilet keychain that makes realistic flushing noises!

"Halloween is coming, and you parents know what that means. It means it's time for you to make fun and creative costumes for your kids! Otherwise you are not as good as the other parents.
Even as you read these words, competing parents. . .the kind of people whose homes have candles burning in front of statues of Martha Stewart. . .are hunched over their workbenches, creating costumes that require more time and effort than you spent planning your wedding. These are the parents you see on the 'home and family' segments of morning TV shows just before Halloween:
HOST: Our next parent is Mrs. Shirley Hamperwinkle, who has dressed her daughter, Tiffany, as an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower! What an amazing costume! However did you do it, Shirley?
PARENT: Well, Sue, first I forged 12,000 miniature steel girders in my home blast furnace, using ore I dug out of my garden. I assembled these girders using 2.5 million tiny handmade rivets with the help of my husband, Ed, before he ran off. Then I attached the tower to Tiffany using 147 surgical screws.
HOST: But how does she take the costume off?
PARENT (becoming agitated): Take it off? Take it OFF?? WHY WOULD SHE TAKE IT OFF???
This is the kind of parent you're up against. So you can't just throw some half-baked costume together at the last minute, the way we did in my childhood, when 80 to 90 percent of us kids stumbled around blindly on Halloween night wearing bed sheets with poorly aligned eye holes. We were supposed to look like ghosts, although this never made a ton of sense to me. I mean, ghosts are the spirits of dead people, right? Why would dead people wear bed sheets? Did they all die in an explosion at a hotel laundry?
I preferred to trick-or-treat as a vampire, which I felt was much scarier. The problem was the plastic vampire teeth. I have a powerful gag reflex, so when people opened their doors, instead of being terrified by the awesome bone-chilling specter of the Prince of Darkness, they'd see this short, caped person, retching. Their only terror was that I might throw up on their shoes.
But getting back to my point: As a modern parent, you need to get to work on your children's costumes RIGHT NOW. Don't worry if you're not the 'artsy' type!
Because I have a really original and creative costume idea for you. Start by gathering together the following arts-and-crafts materials:
1. Car keys.
2. Money.
OK! Now drive to the mall and buy your child a creative and original costume that was originally created in a factory in Taiwan. Y ou'll have lots of choices!
For little boys, you may choose from the following: Superman, Batman, Spiderman, the X-Men, Licensed Character Man, Buzz Lightyear, Darth Maul, Rex Kilometer, Commander Strage, Buck Gouge, Sergeant Groin, The Violence Squadron, the Legion of Compound Fractures, the Masters of Really Hard Face Punching and Al Gore.
For little girls you may choose among the following: Ballerina Barbie, Princess Barbie, Cheerleader Barbie, Presidential Intern Barbie, Bride Barbie, Severe Hangover Barbie, Minority Group Barbie, Joint Chiefs of Staff Barbie, Chest-Cavity-Dwelling Alien Fetus Barbie, The Barbie Formerly Known As Barbie and Al Gore.
Now your kids are all set for some real 'trick-or-treat' fun! But before you let them leave the house, the U.S. Department of Consumer Nervousness reminds you to follow these important HALLOWEEN SAFETY RULES:

Be aware that many municipalities have established special dates for trick-or-treating. For safety reasons, these dates are never on Halloween. Some of them are closer to Easter.
Make sure each child is carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing a head-mounted smoke detector.
Trick-or-treat candy may have been tampered with, so you should take it away from your children, check it carefully, then eat it.
Never allow your children to tirck-or-treat at night, or in dangerous areas such as outdoors.

Remember: The important thing is to have fun in a safe and federal manner. Even you adults can join in the Halloween fun! Why not think of a clever and topical costume? For example, if you're a fat hairy man, you can walk around naked; if the police stop you, simply explain that you're trick-or-treating as the guy who won the million dollars on 'Survivor.' I'm sure the police will applaud your cleverness!

Then they'll take you to a place where you can make your one phone call. To Defense Attorney Barbie."

Life Gem

2005-10-07T07:36:00.000-06:00

This is rather odd. I just read an article about what you can do with your loved ones after they're cremated - turn them into diamonds. Yes - this is true. Apparently they take your loved one's ashes and heat them at very high temperatures under special conditions and the carbon is turned into graphite. The graphite is placed in one of their diamond presses, and finally they cut your diamond to your specifications. You can get upwards of 20 diamonds out of one person. It's pretty pricey, as all jewelry is, ranging from $3,000-$4,500 per diamond. And the only colors you have to choose from are blue and yellow (hey my high school colors!). It ranges from very light to very dark shades.

That would be an interesting solution. They're going for a celebration of life and that's awesome. You can go around, looking down at your ring fondly and tell people, "Yep, that's my aunt Silvia," or whomever. I'd kind of like to do that! Of course when I have to worry about it I'll be much older with lots more money and could be able to afford it. I just really liked that idea. It's strange, yes, but intriguing (and pretty) nonetheless.

You should check it out at www.lifegem.com.

Other than that what's going on in the life of Bri? Not much. Although I did receive my check from closing my savings account so I am so close to buying my keyboard!! I don't know if I want to do it tomorrow or if I want to wait until I get my paycheck next week so I can buy a bench and a stand as well. I'm so excited. I've waited for this for a long time now.

It was so chilly this morning. When I left the apartment I had on a thick turtleneck sweater and a sweatshirt over that. Plus leg warmers under my jeans. I left my coats and scarves and hats down in Wichita.

I'll leave you with three quotes from Dave Barry because he is the awesome-est:

"The reason it's called 'Grape Nuts' is that it contains 'dextrose,' which is also sometimes called 'grape sugar,' and also because 'Grape Nuts' is catchier, in terms of marketing, than 'A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,' which is what it tastes like."

"People who want to share their religious view with you almost never want you to share yours with them."

I especially think this one is great after my many years in the service industry.

"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."

Amen Mr. Barry.

Get Fuzzy

2005-09-09T09:51:00.000-06:00

New Career

2005-08-29T09:21:00.000-06:00

Here I sit, at my very own desk at the front of the integrated marketing communications firm where I now work! I am the copywriter/receptionist. It's a small company. There are only 8 people in this office and three of them are partners! So lots of room for advancement. Not to mention GREAT experience. It's my first day and I've written some answers to FAQs for a website and now I'm bored. That's the great thing about starting a new job, the enthusiasm. I want to go back and say, "Gimme something else to do! I want to contribute!" but I don't know how that would be received. This is a totally new environment for me. I'm used to the restaurant industry where there is always something to do and you are infinitely praised for being the person who goes above and beyond the expectations. But here? The girl I replaced said there would be days with nothing to do along with the days with too much on your plate. I like having things to do, it makes the time go faster. I need a book. But I'm still ecstatic!

Potter Mania

2005-07-16T00:38:00.000-06:00

That was the best hour and a half I've waited for anything. :) It wasn't a total waste because I got to start reading the book while I was waiting to pay for it. Gotta start reading again!

This is all just a moo point

2005-06-16T09:17:00.000-06:00

"Yeah - it's like a cows opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo." ~Joey Tribianni

Did I ever mention how much I love Friends? A perfect evening to me would be to curl up on the couch and watch an entire season of Friends. This episode is great, too. Season 7, disc 2, episode 2 ("The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs"). Check it out. ;)

So, I know I only rant and rave about my current "job" and moan about how I can't find a real job but I'm sorry - that's pretty much the only thing going on in my life right now. Remember way back when about Justin the Outback Tyrant? Consider this a followup. We hired way too many new people because Outback management went into moron mode and decided to hire people at the time when others were coming back from school. Apparently they thought this was September. It first started when Nicole got hired. She gets hired and doesn't come to her first week of training but they let her train a different week. Then they start her out in THREE TABLE SECTIONS. Completely unheard of. New people start out with two table sections because they can't handle three yet - and when one of the Keys switched her to two tables, she thanked her profusely because it was easier. Now, this is JUST a guess, but considering his past behavior, I think this occured because Justin thinks Nicole is hot. He favors girls he likes. It doesn't end there. She didn't even show up for her first five shifts (grounds for being fired) because her husband is here from Iraq. I would totally understand that if he was here for a few days but he's here for a few months. You don't start a new job like that and everyone thinks she should've been fired for that. And she's STILL getting scheduled for great shifts.

Now - Justin has this new policy that if you ask off three days (like I do), then he's going to give you that many extra days off. Therefore people with high availability are going to get all the shifts. I have been asking off three days a week for two years now and it has NEVER been an issue. The last schedule I was really pissed because he gave me three extra days off (two of them being Fridays). And I said I wasn't going to bring it up to Mark unless it happened again. Sure enough, yesterday I picked up the new schedule and he gave me three days off that I NEED to work. And yet there are people with 14 out of the possible 16 shifts?? That's just not right. Even if I was in town all the time, I would NOT want to work that much without a break. So I brought it up to Mark last night. Said that I understand he's trying to be "fair" but clearly, his method is not working if you have this many people pissed off. They need to be taking care of the people who have been here forever (ahem - me for more than 5 years now). You piss those people off, they'll leave. I even told him last night, if this keeps up I'm going to have to find another job because it's gotten to the point where I'm having to save up to pay my bills again and THAT will not fly with me. And Mark said, "You don't need to find another job. We'll take care of you. I'll talk to him and see what I can do about getting you more shifts this schedule." But I am THIS CLOSE (hold thumb and forefinger a crack apart) to just quitting with NO two weeks notice because clearly they don't need it. Even if I do leave on good terms I refuse to give the notice. I don't think it'd be a problem to cover my 6 measly shifts. Justin says if you help out Outback, Outback will help you. Well I'm seeing absolutely NO motivation to do so. I work my butt off and I get 6 shifts? No way. I'll work for Mark but I refuse to work hard for Justin.

I feel so much better now. :)

If you want to stop reading now, no biggie. But I'm going to keep writing. I had an interview with this Day Star place in Overland Park. I was really excited because they said they were a marketing firm and they're located in Corporate Woods which is just a block away from where I'm going to live. It'd be perfect. So I go in there, and fill some form out, like an application and when I talked to this girl, Kelly, she goes, "Okay I know you applied for Receptionist [because it's literally impossible to find anything more substantial on careerbuilder.com] but I was wondering if you'd be interested in sales?" Oh god - not again. This happened last time with a shady business. It turns out that it's like three companies combined but where my resume went was the temp/employment placement agency. And I'm thinking, well, this might not be so bad. She said they had a lot of positions, primarily in the Johnson County area, and that it'd be no problem to find me a job. She sends me a typing, Word and Excel test so she can then send out my resume. The next day she calls me lauding me for my performance on these tests and then says, "I've found a job." It's a sales manager for a truck rental company NORTH of the river in a BAD part of town. Not only that - she's like, "The pay rate is in your range.." I put down $12-$15/hr. Which would work if I had benefits. But benefits don't kick in for a YEAR. And the hours are 7:30 - 4:30. I don't think so. And then she's all trying to guilt me into at least interviewing for it. I put my foot down. What happened to alllll of these jobs in the Johnson County area, hmm? And what about the two temp-to-hire jobs under her? Am I not good enough for those?

Now where are my Friends??

Interview

2005-04-21T20:18:00.000-06:00

Wow! I have my first interview!! I'm so excited. It is with the Metropolitan Medical Society in downtown Kansas City. The position is an executive assistant. Not exactly what I was shooting for in the long run but sooooo much better than Outback! I really hope it works out. It's in a mere five days so wish me luck!

I hate my job

2005-04-11T23:16:00.000-06:00

I cannot stand Outback anymore. It is partially Brett's fault. He quit Outback and went to work at Ricco's, this quaint little Italian bistro in Overland Park that is not corporate and not anal like Outback. It's great. It has a completely different clientele, aka "Good Tippers." I went to see him in action on Saturday night. He made 28%!! So of course, that made me want to face another fractured thumb over the 10%-ers I'd inevitably face at Outback. I find myself going up to my tables now and thinking, "You guys look so cheap and the BEST I can hope from you is going to be 15%." I can't live off 15%. I can't live off tips anymore. I need a real job. I'm sick of the restaurant industry altogether.

Luckily, I got two great job leads this weekend courtesy of Brett's mom and a neighbor. One position is the manager of a United Way volunteer center in Lawrence. The other is a copyeditor for the American Academy of Family Physicians. Both would be wonderful but I'm really hoping for the copyeditor one. I know I could do that and do it well. I dropped my resume off in person there today and I just feel really good about this. I'm hoping something will finally happen.

Well, folks, my back hurts, I cannot breathe through my nose and my eyelids are getting droopier by the second. So I'm going to bed. Hope you enjoyed the update!

They finally caught BTK

2005-02-26T22:07:00.001-06:00

Oh my god it's about time. They've only had a YEAR to capture Mr. Bind, Torture & Kill. In this year, the help they've had is his DNA, at least two people who have seen his face (granted, back in the '70s), and a whole slew of evidence that he himself left in parks or sent to the media. Not to mention the weekly letters he'd send out to the media. I had almost completely lost faith in the Wichita PD.... and the KBI and FBI who were also helping on this case. But I have to mention I am very relieved. This guy is now 59 years old, has a wife and kids was the president of his church. That's so creepy. Just goes to show you never can tell with people.

Ice Ice Baby (duh duh duh duh duh-duh-duh duh)

2005-01-05T21:22:00.000-06:00

Well we got hit with an ice storm if I ever did see one! Absolutely ridiculous. So yes, massive ice storm came through Kansas yesterday. I woke up to freezing rain, and it didn't stop until that night - when it began snowing. Unfortunately had to go to work anyway, though I thought it would be pointless because who in their right mind would go out to eat in the middle of an ice storm? I know I wouldn't go driving if I didn't have to. We weren't anything close to busy but we still had people coming in. Mostly people who were either on their way home from work or people whose homes did not have power. I got cut at 5:45. I made it home before 7:00. I had this one table that took a good hour to eat and they all split things - that's what kept me so long. I only made $20. And I was lucky. Alex, this guy I work with, only had one table and made $3. Sad. On my way home, I kept seeing these bright, massive flashes of blue light. I had NO idea what they were. The first thing I thought was fireworks because I could hear crackling but then thought, well fireworks don't exactly flash... Then I thought a bomb - equally ridiculous. Turns out hundreds of transformers were exploding last night and that's what the blue flashes were. The crackling? Hundreds of trees cracking under the weight of the ice that had been building up on them all the live long day. Then around 8:00, our power suddenly flickered out. I was trying to call some people and my cell phone didn't work! So I figured, well that makes sense, everyone's probably trying to use their cell phones right now because nobody has power. So I tried to send a text message - still didn't work. How bizarre! So I figured it didn't matter much anyway. The power flickered on 45 minutes later. After a while, I heard this loud crash out back. The big tree in our back yard, the one that has been there forever, had split down the middle and half of it had fallen over. At first I thought it narrowly missed the house. It only hit the edge of the roof and got the gutter. Not good but could have been much worse. Then found out that another side of the tree fell down too! Poor tree! The little evergreen bush thingy we have in the front yard got so bogged down with ice it not only fell over but got uprooted in the process. I have never heard so many branches crack. It is still going on. Even earlier yesterday evening driving to work, I had to swerve around huge branches just laying in the middle of the road. Also, there was a 10-car pileup on Kellogg (highway through town)! Just crazy...
So I've been totally bored while Brett's away. I've cleaned out my closet thoroughly. Now to tackle the rest of my room. I've been trying to work out again. I'm reading. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is fabulous and I highly recommend it!! I'm just flying through it. It feels like he's been gone forever and it's only been something like 9 days. Only 7 more days to go...

Now Hear This...Konichiwa

2004-12-29T11:41:00.000-06:00

Brett has landed safely in Japan and is sleeping soundly right now seeing as it is 2:45 a.m. in Itako. Last night for yours truly was a nail-biting, can't-leave-the-computer kind of night. See, I'm the kind of person who if I read it or see it, I believe it. So I was trying to track Brett's flight on Aeroseek. Note to self: Aeroseek does NOT track international flights. Needless to say, when I saw the little dot that "was" NWA5 just floating over the ocean near an Alaskan island with the commentary thing next to it saying, "Time Out" I was getting a little worried. Thank goodness Neil appeared and informed me that once out of U.S. waters, Aeroseek ceases to work.

It is unbelievably weird to go through a day and not be on the phone with Brett. It's so weird. I did get a call at 4 a.m. from him saying he was there and wow, you should have seen me. I was fast asleep but I woke right up and it looked like I was juggling the phone as if it were magma-hot, trying to answer it. I spell relief P-H-O-N-E-C-A-L-L-F-R-O-M-B-R-E-T-T.

In conclusion, I just thought I'd let my faithful readers (?) know that I won't be posting for a couple of weeks. This is because I will be living at Outback. But if you don't already, read:

neilinjapan.blogspot.com

That'll be all the information you need.

Sayonara. (sp?)

All I want for Christmas is...

2004-12-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

Money. My goodness, that stupid green paper has been causing me loads of stress. I need a new set of tires which will set me back $300. I have my credit card bill on which I did all my Christmas shopping (ouch), my phone bill on which I forgot to cancel my two-months-free-trial-of-Sprint-Vision, and to top it all off, I got a speeding ticket a couple weeks ago! Those coppers have been doing overtime or something. I have never seen so many cops in all my life. Why is this holiday season so special? It makes me mad because it could have been so easily avoided. I just wasn't paying any attention. I guess that's what I get. It cost me $175 to get it amended to a non-moving violation.

Not to mention - I'm trying to look for a job and save up for an apartment, but how the heck am I supposed to save up when all my money is going to bills...and that darn ticket? I recently made a list of all the things I'd need to move out. I didn't quite realize that I had nothing. I pretty much only have a table, four chairs and a microwave to my name (other than all the bedroom stuff). Oh well. I'll have a chance to work a lot here soon.

Brett leaves for Japan in four days and I'm so excited for him! I'm gonna miss him so much but he'll have a blast. I wish I could go to Japan. Now I won't feel so bad about talking about Europe so much. :)

Christmas is tomorrow! Y ay! Presents! I always enjoyed Christmas more when I was little but the one thing I like better now is the fact that I can sleep on Christmas Eve. Well I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and happy New Year! I'm out.

"Congraduations!" -Brett Becker

2004-12-12T10:28:00.000-06:00

That quote will be patented one day by Mr. Becker, and it will catch on.

Today is my graduation day. *cue the Pomp and Circumstance* On one hand I'm excited about it and on the other, I'm dreading it. It's three hours of virtually nothing. Yes I get to walk across the stage to accept my fake diploma (I believe the real one won't be arriving until February) and shake President Beggs' hand but my god I don't want to sit through a million other names. I really wish we did this Jayhawk-style. Every school stands up all at once and gets graduated en masse. It wouldn't be so bad if this was May. Because then, it would just be Elliott School [of Communications] grads. But in December, all the schools get together for one big ceremony. Oh well, there's free dinner afterwards. My biggest decision today is whether I want to go to Carrabba's (and get a 50% discount...hmmm) or to Joe Kelly's, this great seafood place out east which, coincidently, is where we went to after my aunt's college graduation. I remember that day vividly.

Well wish me luck - mainly that I won't trip and fall. You never know with me - I punched myself in the mouth last night. I am not making this up. Brett and I were at IHOP and I was going to put my coat on and my arm got caught and flung back up at my lip. It even bled! It was hilarious. Thank goodness you can't really see it from the front. And even if you look at it closely, it's just like I bit the inside of the corner of my mouth really really really really hard. But I digress...

Humane Society puppies and Professor Ranting

2004-12-06T21:09:00.000-06:00

I meant to do this a long time ago but somehow didn't get around to doing it. Aren't they precious?? Six-week-old pit/shepherd mixes. I LOVE them!

So things have been crazy around here. I despise my Campaigns instructor still. Even worse. So this is the last week of classes, we have a huge presentation to do on Thursday. We had a five and a half hour group meeting last night to get everything done. We emailed it to Stene (instructor) today to see what he thought of it. He basically said, without actually saying the word, that my creative strategy sucked. Even though I ran all my ideas by him a few weeks ago and he liked them then. But now, they suck. I just got that information this morning - Monday. We were going to send everything off to the printer today so we'd have these nice books printed up for our presentation. But now, I have to redo my entire part. And I couldn't be more pissed off about it. I was so stressed out earlier I cried. DAMN him for making me that stressed out! Why couldn't he have told me this before? He should be fired. And by god if I had the time, I would start a petition and get every single person in his classes to sign it saying he should be fired and then present it to the dean. I hate him.

Christmas Shopping and Prairie Pines

2004-11-30T13:27:00.000-06:00

I'm so proud of myself. I have all my Christmas shopping done and wrapped! Well, except for one present for Brett but I only stopped because it was after midnight and I needed some shut-eye. Now all I have to do is put the massive ribbons on - and it's only November 30! I did, however, overlook one minor problem. I have all my presents but nowhere to put them. We're getting our Christmas tree this Saturday though and I cannot WAIT!

Every year we go to Prairie Pines for all our Christmas tree needs. It's the best tradition. It's this great place that's out in the middle of nowhere, with a great big farm that is the epitome of all that is cozy. There's always a fire going in the fireplace, there are two ginormous Christmas trees loaded with oodles of ornaments that you can purchase. By the fireplace, there are these two little nooks where they have a bunch of other decorations. And it wouldn't be perfect without a stand where you can buy hot chocolate or apple cider and choose from a vast arrangement of Christmas cookies. I don't know who bakes them but they have the BEST cut-out cookies ever! I need that recipe. I just might ask for it this year. I'll bribe them with a tip. It's usually a school group that's there trying to raise money. I'm forgetting about the trees! We used to ride out to the trees on a horse-drawn hayrack ride thing (which was my favorite because I loved the horses - they're the big Clydesdales) and cut our own tree down. It was the best when it snowed. Now, my mom prefers the Frasier Firs because they've got softer needles and they're pre-cut which is an added bonus to her. I wouldn't mind going the cut-your-own-tree route again. I kind of miss it. This year, Brett is going with us! I can't wait! He'll be the first person outside my family to really get to absorb the whole Prairie Pines experience. It'll be so exciting!

On another note... Four more days of school left. Tomorrow and Thursday, and then next Tuesday and Thursday and I'm done forever! Yay!

Kids With Weird, Scarring Names

2004-11-17T23:23:00.000-06:00

This girl I work with, Taneice, had a couple of interesting stories tonight. She is black and white, her husband is black and then there's her son, Mikey, mostly black but somewhat white. This is relevant, I promise. Mikey (5-years-old) goes to a private school on the east side (a.k.a. snotty, stuck-up side of town). His class is predominately white. So there's this little white girl in his class whose name is (I swear I'm not making this up) - Praise Jesus. I swear. She's going to grow up to be a devil worshiper or something. What kind of parent would do that to their kid?? This mom was asking Taneice about her son whom she referred to as "the little African-American boy." And then she goes, "Is that right?" as in is that politically correct, and Taneice said, "Well, I just call him Mike." Crazy stupid people.

Then she was saying how all the girls in Mikey's class just love him. This one girl wanted a kiss from him and Taneice didn't like that so Mikey said no, that he'd get in trouble. Then this big girl came over wanting a kiss and Taneice goes, "Mike, she's kinda big." Mikey said, "Big girls need lovin' too! Haven't you ever seen 'Friday?'"

Kids.